Sunday, January 11, 2009

Helen, we are sorry to inform you that you have been downsized.

Dear Universe:

I regret to inform you that a huge mistake has been made due to an oversight in your clerical department. I know Helen in the typing pool is a busy woman (and occasionally "loopy", if you catch my drift), and we all know you just "let it slide" when she accidentally sent all those babies to Brangelina, but the incompetence stops here, buckos. I have good reason to believe that I, Whiskeymarie VonPartypants, was somehow dropped by your worker storks into the wrong family, and I believe the same error has been made with my siblings.

If you check your records, you will see that we (myself and my two sisters) are fine, hard-working, marginally upstanding and contributing members of society. Other than a few "experimental" sexual episodes in the late 80's and early 90's, and yes- we dabbled in the occult that one time (really- who hasn't?), you will see that, overall, we have fulfilled our end of the bargain. We are good to our fellow humans (well, unless they take the last piece of cake, then buster- all bets are OFF), we take care of one another (especially after a bottle or three of red wine), we give back to society (yes- giving my leftovers to that dude on the freeway ramp counts), and we try to always wear clean underwear. All of our evaluations from the Human Resources department have been, at the very least, neutral. This fact alone should testify to our deserving of equally worthy parental units.

I'll give you this much- you hit it out of the park with our Mom, kudos to your placement team- I owe you guys a beer. Man, that gal could cook, and she swore a mean streak that a trucker would have been proud of (except the f-word. Nonononono on the f-word- ever.) Her almond danish was legendary, and she would have fought a hundred rabid raccoons to keep us safe, if need be. Wherever you have placed her now is very, very lucky- her presence and her chicken and rice soup with dumplings are deeply missed. Send her a little thank-you note, will you?

No, sirs- the item which I am taking issue with (and have filed in a formal comlaint with your supervisor) is your choice of our paternal caretaker, which appears to be defective. We are aware that the warranty on Model #DAD71 expired a number (35) of years ago, but we feel that as responsible businesspeople that you should at least consider repairing or replacing the unit in question due to the high number of faulty parts. The damages (in no particular order) include:
  • Failure to love unconditionally, as is generally required of the Parental models.
  • Unusually high moral judgement threshold (especially given the unit's, ahem...past errors in judgement.)
  • Exceptionally sensitive "holier than thou" meter (probably just low on humility fluid, my guess.)
  • Inability to understand the "awesome factor" of the aforementioned siblings due to faulty humor gage.
  • Extremely elevated levels of Pious fluid, due to what we believe is a broken religiousiosity pump.
As you can see, the unit is functioning at an extremely unsafe, yet surprisingly functional level. I request immediate repairs or replacement to avoid any breakdowns, which could prove embarrassing for both myself and your company. If I am forced to attempt to fix the unit myself, I cannot guarantee the results as factory-certified parts are no longer available.

Your attention to this matter is greatly appreciated, and I thank you in advance for your cooperation.


Whiskeymarie VonPartypants, middle child.


John said...

Well, at least it isn't Father's Day.

Red said...

I have a really great dad and I've known enough people who don't to really appreciate that.

I hope you get a satisfactory response to your most legitimate complaint.

boredmando said...

Oh Whiskey don't hold your breathe. While I was actually lucky enough to get a replacement model after the first one got lost in the mail, my second one slowly started malfunctioning about eight or nine years ago and is no longer worth my time to attempt repairs.

On another note: mmmmmmmm dumplings.

Minnesota Girl said...

let me know how this works out for you. i may need to try it too.

damn fathers.

180|360 said...

you are such a clever monkey. ;) it took me awhile to get where you were going with this, but i the end i did follow and felt sad. i do hope human resources or customer service pulls its finger out and sorts out this issue asap. life is too short to be malfunctional.

T.J. said...

This may not be the post for which to leave this comment, but, I love you.


Mach1 said...

I've diagnosed you with Middle Child Syndrome, a condition from which I myself suffer. We have it hardest, Whiskey. It's just a fact.

Kim said...

That's weird - mine is just the opposite; most of the problems are accurate, but it's the maternal unit in my case.
Damn, WM, this one stung.

LegalMist said...

Tragicomedy - my favorite. And you are the master (mistress?), Ms. VonPartypants. You had me laughing and crying all at once. Just what I needed when I'm up working at 4 a.m.

EmBee said...

HEY, I think both of my parents hail from the same crap-ass organization. I say we hire ourselves a good lawyer (maybe from one of those t.v. adverts?) and sue their asses... 'Cause believe me, my parental units are beyond repair. I got screwed over BIG time and I want my day in court!

Love the new look btw.

Whiskeymarie said...

Melo- I've warned you about the cursing, missy. We do it loudly and often around here- got it? ;)

John- Yeah, Father's day is always a treat.

Red- Will your Dad adopt me?

bmando- I'll only accept a replacement model that passes rigorous testing in my quality control department. Well, that or one who wants to shower me with love and money, whichever comes first.

angie- I'll save you from waiting- not well. This probably will not end well.

180/360- I had to find a way to laugh at the absurdity of this ridiculous situation.

T.J.- Anytime someone want to profess their love for me is the right time, in my opinion. Consider yourself french-kissed, just ignore the coffee breath.

Dr. Mach1- Do any fun pharmeceuticals come with this diagnosis?

Kim- Yup- we both have "parental" issues. I feel your pain, toots.

Legalmist- Like I said, I need to be able to laugh at this, otherwise the crazy rage and crushing disappointment take over, and that's just no fun for anyone.

EmBee- In this day and age of litigation, I think we'd probably have a good chance of winning. Sorry both of yours suck- that's REALLY not fair.

Giggle Pixie said...

My issues are more of the Mommy Dearest variety, but I totally feel for you just the same. I hope those requested repairs will be completed post-haste!

T said...

Oh, daddy issues. The only difference is in the details, my dear. This was an entertaining way to put it all out there.

Nice new template!!

Gwen said...

It took my mom four versions before she got a functioning one.

dguzman said...

Wow. I'm sad, WM. I too was a middle child, but I never saw too much of a difference in the way any of us were treated. Luckily, though my Dad model spent most of his shelf life at his office location, he later retired and now he's actually a pretty cool dude. I think someone must've given him a serious tune-up, and it really helped. The Mommy model was always perfect!

abbersnail said...

Hugs and kisses, sweetness. If it makes you feel any better, I'm the oldest child of two middle children. They have spent most of my life letting me know that I WILL NEVER BE THE FAVORITE, DAMMIT. I think parents are just stupid.

Student/Teacher said...

My daddy issues could fill a book. In fact, they probably do somewhere in the nethers of my computer. Someday I'll be brave enough to publish them.

by the by, I'm the same sort of douchebag who links without telling. Keep on sister, I secretly love the attention.

BunGirl said...

I love what you've done with the place!

P.S. If you sent me something, I never got it. I'm waitin to send your gift in return...........

Stefanie said...

Oh man. So I'm guessing your dad doesn't know about your blog either? I have to say, though: despite the serious topic, you handled that with humor. Bummer you're feeling it at all, though.

Also, I haven't clicked through from Bloglines in a while, so I don't know how long since you gussied up the place, but I like it!

Aunt Snow said...

And there's a tale there..... hmmm.

I certainly had Dad issues of my own, but in retrospect, now that my dad's been gone for 6 years, I have come to terms with him, and remember that even difficult, irritable people sometimes unconditionally love their kids, and he certainly did me.

I hope you will find some kind of peace with yours.

TwistedNoodle said...

So sorry my friend. The "fun" of childhood that was mine... much like yours. My father used to disown us kids whenever we displeased his holymess and he was the good parental unit. Sadly, he is no longer with us like your precious mom. And believe it or not, I miss him. Under it all, I realize he really did love me. The unit that is still alive and kicking, well...I just keep my distance in order to keep my mind healthy.

And thank you for not taking me off your sidebar. With how things have been going lately I probably would have cried if I saw you had deleted me. I really do plan on getting back to blogging soon.

Iheartfashion said...

I was extremely lucky in the parent placement department, although I lost my dad much too soon.
I feel for you Whiskey Marie. Glad you're still able to maintain a sense of humor about the whole thing, and that you have a couple of great sisters, sounds like. *Hugs*

Suze said...

Damn, I really wish you would've "cc" my dad.