Dear Universe:
I regret to inform you that a huge mistake has been made due to an oversight in your clerical department. I know Helen in the typing pool is a busy woman (and occasionally "loopy", if you catch my drift), and we all know you just "let it slide" when she accidentally sent all those babies to Brangelina, but the incompetence stops here, buckos. I have good reason to believe that I, Whiskeymarie VonPartypants, was somehow dropped by your worker storks into the wrong family, and I believe the same error has been made with my siblings.
If you check your records, you will see that we (myself and my two sisters) are fine, hard-working, marginally upstanding and contributing members of society. Other than a few "experimental" sexual episodes in the late 80's and early 90's, and yes- we dabbled in the occult that one time (really- who hasn't?), you will see that, overall, we have fulfilled our end of the bargain. We are good to our fellow humans (well, unless they take the last piece of cake, then buster- all bets are OFF), we take care of one another (especially after a bottle or three of red wine), we give back to society (yes- giving my leftovers to that dude on the freeway ramp counts), and we try to always wear clean underwear. All of our evaluations from the Human Resources department have been, at the very least, neutral. This fact alone should testify to our deserving of equally worthy parental units.
I'll give you this much- you hit it out of the park with our Mom, kudos to your placement team- I owe you guys a beer. Man, that gal could cook, and she swore a mean streak that a trucker would have been proud of (except the f-word. Nonononono on the f-word- ever.) Her almond danish was legendary, and she would have fought a hundred rabid raccoons to keep us safe, if need be. Wherever you have placed her now is very, very lucky- her presence and her chicken and rice soup with dumplings are deeply missed. Send her a little thank-you note, will you?
No, sirs- the item which I am taking issue with (and have filed in a formal comlaint with your supervisor) is your choice of our paternal caretaker, which appears to be defective. We are aware that the warranty on Model #DAD71 expired a number (35) of years ago, but we feel that as responsible businesspeople that you should at least consider repairing or replacing the unit in question due to the high number of faulty parts. The damages (in no particular order) include:
- Failure to love unconditionally, as is generally required of the Parental models.
- Unusually high moral judgement threshold (especially given the unit's, ahem...past errors in judgement.)
- Exceptionally sensitive "holier than thou" meter (probably just low on humility fluid, my guess.)
- Inability to understand the "awesome factor" of the aforementioned siblings due to faulty humor gage.
- Extremely elevated levels of Pious fluid, due to what we believe is a broken religiousiosity pump.
Your attention to this matter is greatly appreciated, and I thank you in advance for your cooperation.
Sincerely-
Whiskeymarie VonPartypants, middle child.
