Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Titillating Tuesday.

So...I'm back at work after 19 glorious yet fairly uneventful days off, so I'm as busy as a whorehouse on "free syphilis testing" day. I forgot what this whole "work" thing entails.
Turns out- it entails actual work. Go figure.

So just a few random notes for you to ponder as you go about your day, in new and improved bullet form, now with 25% more "bulletlishisness":
  • I was walking down the stairs at work yesterday, in my chef's coat, and a random chubby dude asked me how long I had been working in food- totally out of the blue. I said, "I don't know, about 12 years I guess." His reply? "Wow- you must be OLD." I told him he "must be retarded" and left him in my dust.
  • I accidentally scheduled both a dentist and my yearly pelvic probe for the same day. I do not recommend doing this. Your day will not be as glorious as you think it would be- trust me on this one.
  • My dentist told me to stop brushing with toothpaste. He said my teeth are sensitive to the abrasives in it, so now I'm brushing with mouthwash, which is kind of odd. Minty and refreshing- but odd.
  • My gyno couldn't find my cervix. Seriously. I don't know where it went, but after what seemed like an hour of her spelunking in my lady bits, she struck gold. I was unaware that one's cervix could just go and wander off like that. My advice- put a homing device on that thing, ladies. The last thing any of us needs is to see our reproductive parts on the side of a milk carton.
  • I am in deep love with this website. I have been drooling over their catalog since I got it in my mail-hole. Kind of pricey and a little preppy, but the sale prices are good and the dresses are delicious.
  • Because of work, I missed last night's No Reservations. Damn you, work.
  • My sickness that started DECEMBER 18 is still lingering in the form of a sloshy head and strangely viscous snot that refuses to go away. It's time for a full-frontal attack in the form of uber-healthy eating, no wheat, no wine, any vitamin I can get my hands on, gallons of water & tea, and if all that fails I'm going to give heroin a try. Anything for my health, I say.
  • To explain my last post further, my Paternal Parental unit basically dumped me via e-mail last week. Yes- that's as charming as you think it would be. Honestly, I'm kind of over it- so no sympathy is required. I'm good.
  • I ate seven different kinds of cheeses yesterday. I think I may have a problem.
Off to work now, dammit. That bacon isn't going to bring itself home, fry itself up in a pan and fall into my mouth in crispy bacon deliciousness on it's own, you know.

Happy Tuesday, my minty and refreshing little cheese curds. Happy Tuesday.

XO

33 comments:

domboy said...

I didn’t even know I had a cervix.

surviving myself said...

Wait, pelvic probes are for women as well? I thought that was only something Uncle Charley had to do to me when I was bad.

Gwen said...

I hate to tell you this but you might want to cut out cheese for a while, too. My ENT told me last year that people who CRAVE cheese like we do are likely allergic and some of our symptoms can be traced to cheese.

I'm so sorry.

Giggle Pixie said...

Holy shit, cervixes (cervix's?) can run amok? That's it. I'm super-gluing mine in place right now.

And the seven cheese thing? I hope you're following that with a prune juice back.

ekc said...

Seven cheeses in one day? Amateur! Talk to me when you are in double digits, then we can go to Cheese-a-holics Anonymous together ...

Anonymous said...

ohhh I can't imagine suffering through the cleaning of teeth (I hate that "soft drill" thing with pasty stuff) and then Gyno Time.

And I was thinking of your blog, when on Tuesday I fried up some bacon and ate a tomato-licious BLT. Confidentially, umm I am on a bacon-binge, eating a BLT for breakfast- three days in a row. While I'm confessing ... when I see your kitties in harnesses with leashes, it makes me feel normal.. cuz my big cat Spencer (huge, long alligator size with fur)uses one and has his own cat run outside my kitchen door. I guess all the cool girls gear up their cats and eat bacon!

Love the new designs.

L.in CA

Chiada said...

I haven't checked in for about a week, and just wanted to say that I love your new design! Looks great and is very "you". Love the header pic and the kitties. Sorry to hear about your parental unit, too. That sucks.

Dr Zibbs said...

This blog layout is ever cooler! And you look like a model WM.

i am playing outside said...

a fantastic post topped off by BACON CHAT? please marry me.

Whiskeymarie said...

domboy- It's there- yours just happens to look like a penis, that's all.

surviving- Yes, and yes.

giggle- Superglue will work, as will duct tape. And no need for the prune juice, I am nothing if not frighteningly regular.

Gwen- Lies! LIES!!! Blasphemer!!!!

ekc- will you be my sponsor?

L in CA- BLT's for breakfast three days in a row? I think I love you and your harnessed-up kitty.

Chiada- thanks- I love it too.

Zibbs- Aw...you flatter me (But I'm still not sending you a picture of my boobs).

diatribes and dish said...

Is your "problem" of the constipation variety? If so, been there. Don't wanna go back.

Student/Teacher said...

At least your uterus isn't tilted the wrong way. That makes for an interesting spelunking. Trust me.

Once, I had a new gyno tell me my cervix was "winking" at her. I never went back to that particular lady.

Whiskeymarie said...

diatribes- Luckily, "backing up" has never been an issue for me.

S/T- Believe it or not, my uterus is tilted too. It's freaking Pan's Labrynth down there.
And that "winking" reference freaked me out. What a wierdo doctor.

John said...

What kind of cheese?

Stacey said...

Ooh pretty new digs.

So at least your cervix was just hiding. Mine is "incomptent"

abbersnail said...

My uterus is also tilted. My mom keeps telling me that I should have kids early, because hers was tilted and ALMOST FELL OUT when she was 42.

Seriously, I never needed to know that.

Come to think of it, you probably didn't, either. Sorry to be graphic.

kirby said...

Wandering cervix. Is that anything like a lazy eye?

Whiskeymarie said...

John- chevre, smoked mozzarella, brie, parmesan, pepperjack, mascarpone and asiago. Yup. All in one day. I did the cheese club proud.

abbs- I live for graphic stuff like this. But now I'm going to be worrying about my uterus falling out. Yuk.

kirby- Yes, but I like to think of more as being like a snot whistle- one minute it's there, then the next minute it isn't- yet you never really know where it goes to...

Kim said...

Wow; maybe that's why I haven't been able to get knocked up this whole time - maybe my cervix is missing??
You are a brave and crazy women to schedule two different orifice doctors in one day. I think I'd have to lay down for like a week after that.
You rule.

EmBee said...

"The last thing any of us needs is to see our reproductive parts on the side of a milk carton."

This totally cracked me up, just like you knew it would.
:-)

John said...

• Dr. Zibbs is RIGHT. You do look like a model Whiskey. A HOT, HOBO model.

• I'll see you gyno visit and raise you getting tested for STDs on New Year's Eve (what's your saying for this...Good Times? Yeah, I know how to party). Unfortunately, MY doc easily found my junk and stuck a Q-Tip up it. I was unaware this technique was a form of practicing future safe sex. It is. Oh yes. It is.

• I still have no cheese sightings, but I did have a delish burrito topped with melty sour cream the other night. : )

Bill Hipps said...

mmm...bacon

punchlinewalking said...

Ummmm...I was all prepared to write a pithy comment, but HOLY BALLS, your cervix can fall out???!!! What the F, dude???

O.G. said...

Found your blog through Dr. Zibbs...so funny. I can't wait to read more. The next time somebody asks you how long you've been working in food you should just tell them you don't..you just like the coat.

gorillabuns said...

my Paternal Parental unit dumped me years ago. it's their loss, COMPLETELY!

WendyB said...

Damn, you LOVE getting things in your mail-hole, don't you!

Landis said...

first, i, too, am still sick. i hate this thing. it's like the final season of melrose place. it just drags on and on and on.

i love the new design. and picture. and cats.

and, i think i saw your cervix wandering on santa monica. that thing gets around.

Aunt Snow said...

Oh God. I had the lady-parts probing a couple weeks ago and I am reminded I have to make an appointment for the regular boob-squishing procedure.

Yikes.

My dental hygenist talks all the time, and she's really interesting, and you want to reply, but of course you can't. It's very frustrating.

Aunt Snow said...

Ooh, those dresses are cute!! Imight try some.

patsy said...

never give up on cheese! no matter what the price!!

Idea #527 said...

Have you tried a Neti Pot?? Seriously. I'm not joking. It's kind of weird and awesome all at the same time. I had my mom on speaker phone yesterday and said "Hey Mom, I'm doing my neti pot so go on with your story. I'm listening, I just can't talk to you b/c I have to breathe through my mouth." And you know what? She asked me like 3 questions and then said "Oh right. You can't talk."

And your Dad broke up with you via email?!? I'm sorry to hear that he is missing what an awesome lady you are!!! Maybe you and your siblings could have an intervention with him.

pistols at dawn said...

I used to talk about my mail-hole, but that got me invited to a whole bunch of parties I didn't want to go to.

Stefanie said...

That was a whole lot of information and hence, I can't even decide which part to comment on. Which is just as well, really, since I'm still stuck on that "19 days off" thing. So jealous!