So...instead of "Things I will do/changes I will make in 2009/things I will hate myself in December '09 for not accomplishing", I give you-
Things I absolutely will NOT do and/or changes I resolutely refuse to make in 2009, no matter what. Even if you offer me a shiny nickel or non lice-infested and potty-trained helper monkey. Nope. Not going to happen:
- I don't promise to call more often.
- I can't say I won't eat the last bite of a shared dish just to be nice.
- I'll try, but I can't promise to keep that secret.
- I won't exercise when I don't feel like it, or if there is something really good on TV.
- I will not deny the Pizza Luce' delivery drivers the sight of my smiling face at least once a week.
- I refuse to apologize to my liver.
- I won't stop picking at random invisible things on my face for entertainment.
- I will not stop denying those rumors that deep down I know are true.
- I refuse to try to be "in tune" and "sing well".
- No matter how much you stare, I refuse to NOT dance a little at the grocery store if a kick-ass song comes on over the PA system.
- I won't stop telling you how good you look in that hideous outfit.
- I cannot promise that I won't bail on plans at the last minute because I want to stay home and talk to my cats.
- I'm pretty sure I'm still only going to wear matching clothes about 20% of the time.
- I can't say I'm going to be a nicer person, mostly because I think I'm pretty fucking nice already, which is as nice as I want to be.
- I probably won't stop being obnoxious sometimes. Really, it's part of my charm.
- I refuse to wear pants unless I feel like it.
- I won't pretend I don't want the big piece of cake.
- I probably still won't "play it safe".
- I won't pretend to not enjoy it when I get my way/win.
- I don't think I'll take up smoking, no matter how cool it looks.
- I will not stop buying ridiculous shoes/clothes just because I haven't anywhere to wear them.
- I don't think I'll stop playing dress-up.
- I can't even pretend to try to not laugh when you trip.
- I'll still act like I'm above gossiping, but I'll still totally gossip.
- I won't lie except on the rare occasion when you wear those pants that makes your butt look big.
- I won't stop sticking random things in my nose.
- I won't stop kissing that picture of you, but I will stop with the tongue.
This? I think I can manage. These are resolutions I can live with.
Happy first Wednesday of the year, my little gossipy, nonmatching cat people. Happy Wednesday.