Friday, August 29, 2008
I can't quit you.
O.k, this is awkward.
When we last spoke, I sort of "hit and ran".
I dumped a dark, quick, and cryptic post in your laps, then disappeared into the woods to live off of the land, write my long-awaited political manifesto and make squirrel casseroles.
I partook of your hospitality and then left a turd in your toilet before running out the door. Sort of a metaphysical "dine and dash", if you will.
If this post were a date between you and I, it would be that uncomfortable second attempt at a "real date" after we already had impulsive, drunken sex in the bathroom at that restaurant on our first one. We don't know what to say since we didn't bother with formalities and jumped right into pantsless frolicking.
I don't know what to say to you right now.
I'm overwhelmed at the response to my last post, to be honest. The very fact that so many of you took the time to comment and say nice things to me when you don't even know the details of the situation is just amazing, touching, and pretty much exactly what I needed to get through the last 10 days. I'm still going to emphasize that I don't feel like I deserve any of this kindness, but at the same time I'm so very grateful to have y'all. You complete me. You are the ebony to my ivory. I'm a little bit country, you're a little bit rock n' roll.
I don't know that things are any better right now, but I'm at least at a place where it isn't so fresh and raw. My future is still very uncertain, and I pretty much still exist on a steady diet of fear, humiliation and self-loathing. But...for now, I'm at least at a point where I am ready to face this, own it, and do whatever I have to do to fix whatever I can in this very daunting mess. I will not make excuses, and I will not dismiss my complete and total responsibility for whatever my fate may be.
I dug my hole, now I need to find a shovel, fill the hole up with the manure and dirt that is my life, and then I need to plant some nice flowers and maybe some tomatoes too. I like tomatoes.
Sorry to be so vague, but that's just how it's going to have to be. This is intensely personal.
In what capacity, I don't know.
I just need to get back into something that at least resembles what my life was and should be. I need to think and talk about other things, other aspects of my existence. I need a sense of normalcy right now, in whatever way the word "normal" applies to me.
I don't even know how to thank you all for the comments you left. Normally in a situation like this I'd bake you a cake or something. You like cake, right?
I guess all I can say is thank you- every single comment and every single e-mail made a difference. You guys made me cry (in a good way) more than once. I am more grateful for having this outlet, this "place" than you will ever know. The very fact that you can muster up care and good wishes for someone that most of you have never met just leaves me speechless and very much humbled.
I still may not feel like I deserve any of this, yet I am so very, very glad that you were there for me. I owe you all so much right now. If I were there with you now I'd give you a big kiss and a hug where I let my hand drift down towards your butt ever so gently before I give your right cheek a little love squeeze.
All I can say is thank you- I owe you one.
Now- we'll move on and talk about other things for a while. Simpler things. Nice things.
I miss you- let's never be apart this long again, o.k?
Happy Friday, my little love-filled, sparkly leprechauns. Happy Friday.