Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Just another day in Satan's nutsack.
I want my money back, you hear me?
Up until the last three or four years, one of the main reasons I choose to continue living in this delightfully passive-aggressive northern State of mine is that, other than a couple dozen "hot" days in the summer, the weather was great for a delicate flower like myself: Not too hot, plenty of gray days, perfect Falls, amazing Springs and typical Minnesota winters. You Southerners scoff at us, making fun of the cold and snow and not even having a clue what a "snotcicle" is, but for those of us who love this sort of climate as much as Hollywood loves cocaine, a crisp winter day with snow covering the ground can inspire tingly feelings in our crotchal region, such is our joy.
We haven't had a winter that isn't messed up in some way (unbelievably frigid one day, sunny and 45 degrees the next), Fall goes by so fast that if you stop to blink and blow your nose, you'll miss it. Spring is almost equally short these days, going from 20 degrees with snow on the ground one day to 60 degrees, sunny and confusing the plants the next.
Summer can kiss my ass.
It's ungodly hot day after day after day after day after day....and repeat.
The sun is always shining, it's always in the 80's and 90's, and it almost never, ever rains. My lawn looks like shredded wheat. I gave up trying to keep the flowers alive- they're on their own now, it's survival of the fittest at this point. I'm sweating from every inch- I'm pretty sure my pancreas was perspiring yesterday. The weather forecast causes me to say very unladylike things, and I'm seriously considering becoming a super-villan so that I can invent some sort of laser (I'm thinking of calling it the "Whiskey wand") that allows me total domination over the world's weather. I'd wear a cape and carry an "umbrella of doom."
But, then that meddling Batman would come after me, then all sorts of car chases and explosions would occur, then we'd meet in a final battle to the death in an abandoned office building...
well, you get the idea.
This isn't what I agreed to when I signed my "I'll live here" contract. I'm no lawyer, but I think I'm entitled to some sort of compensation for pain and suffering, as well as breach of contract.
Minnesota? Are you listening? I'm calling you out, beyotch. If you wanna do this old-school style then meet me at the railroad tracks for fisticuffs. Bring a switchblade and brass knuckles cause' this is going to end NOW. Just me and you. Mano y mano.
If not, If you're too much of a panty-waste, you can expect to hear from my lawyer, Lionel Hutz.
This ends now, you hear me? Give me back my old weather or prepare for the consequences, you lying hothead. Get a good doctor or a competent lawyer, assface, because I'm coming for YOU.
Posted by Whiskeymarie at 8:56 AM
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Scoff, scoff, scoff, scoff, scoff, scoff.
Scoff, scoff, scoff, scoff.
Hey WM! I gave you something over at my blog.
p.s. It's not syphilis.
The Replacements were from there, though. That's gotta count for something.
Plus, who goes outside during the summer? There's your problem right there, you crazy extrovert.
I love the summer. Minnesota, please don't change!
WhiskeyMarie has spoken.
Minnesota, listen up or pay the price.
I don't blame you...I say move! Seems like summer has been hot every place this year. So maybe Alaska is the only civilized place left!
I suggest a Zibbs-style Dance Off Fight. You could get Rob Ott off the streets and onto your team.
I am with you totally on this one - I want a decent blizzard with snowfall that starts the day before Thanksgiving and does not end until Valentine's day dang it all to heck.
I really do not understand people who complain about the cold. I love boots, sweaters, knit hats and scarfs so much---I collect them like others collect rocks, spoons, and other nonsense.
AND, as I always tell those who complain about the cold - you can always put more clothes on, but once you are naked - there you are.
Satan is gonna be pissed at you for making fun of his nuts - again!
He told you it hurts his feelings.
You know there actually is such a thing as "Whiskey Wand" but it doesn't lead so much to world domination, but rather sexually frustrated partners after a long night of drinking.
That ain't the hot weather causing you to say unladylike things, lady. But seriously? Even a summerphile like me can get tired of the no rain. Oh, how I've craved one of those soupy grey days that gives you permission to lay in bed all day eating cookies. It's enough to drive a lady to drink. Oh, I probably can't blame the weather for that either. See you at the bar at 4.
John- I would surely instantly burst into flames if I ever set foot in your inferno of a state.
Jon- Is it wrong that I was kind of hoping for syphilis? It's such a retro disease that it's cool again.
-r- You crazy summer people scare me.
Pistols- yes, we can boast the Replacements, the Suburbs AND Prince, but this weather still sucks balls. And you KNOW I rarely go outside due to my fear of fresh air.
Fran- Glad you got my back. You can totally join my gang. Our "sign" is a finger up your nose, just so you know.
Ren woman- I'm hatching an evil plot to move as we speak. Bwahahahahaha!
Gwen- Between my mad dance skills and Rob Otts technical mastery of the art, we'll not only kick MN's ass, we'll TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!!
Mommy- Yay! Another person to join my anti-summer gang. We meet the first Monday of every other month at the Piggly Wiggly. Bring a red bandanna and a gun.
Surviving- As long as he keeps shoving them in my face, I get to make fun of them. He knows the rules.
McGone-Maybe that's part of my evil plan too- restore temperate weather to MN while rendering much of the male population liquor-impotent.
Ms. B- I was actually thinking of you when I wrote this post, little miss summer.
No, I'll see YOU at 4, sugartits.
I'm a summerphile too, and I hate the cold, so maybe it's time for me to consider moving to Minnesota. I would like a day of rain occasionally, though.
Edna: [throws a wadded ball of paper at Bob's head] No capes!
Bob: Isn't that my decision?
Edna: Do you remember Thunderhead? Tall, storm powers? Nice man, good with kids.
Bob: Listen, E...
Edna: November 15th of '58! All was well, another day saved, when... his cape snagged on a missile fin!
Bob: Thunderhead was not the brightest bulb...
Edna: Stratogale! April 23rd, '57! Cape caught in a jet turbine!
Bob: E, you can't generalize about these things...
Edna: Metaman, express elevator! Dynaguy, snagged on takeoff! Splashdown, sucked into a vortex!
Edna: No capes!
Well, here in Duluth it's a balmy 62 degrees, so there's that. Last night we watched TV in sweatshirts under a blanket. We make our own weather here, or at least the lake does.
Of course, there's that 8-month winter to contend with.
Just think - with global warming, your state will be like Florida in about 10 years.
haven't even read the post yet, cause the title is GOLD, still LMAO-ing!
... OK, read it! Sounds like you're getting a bit of what we're having down here in the desert: the usual 110-degrees BUT WITH MINDWARPING HUMIDITY. Oh but we have had rain, of course, soppy nasty stew kind of rain.
So either the Global Warming folk are correct or this is just the intial correction for a coming Ice Age and the Global Coolers are gonna be going "neener neeeener" pretty soon all over the weather nerd sites.
I would never EVER let you spontaneously combust, Whiskey Marie. I would surely cry if that happened. : )
My lawn looks like shredded wheat too. That's a perfect description.
Also, the air conditioner in my car died last week. I am not pleased.
I have read you blog a bunch of times before, but never dared to leave a comment. I didn't want to tread on my brother's scene. But since Jon actually suggested that I swing by, now I can say hello. Funny stuff. Except I live in Boston, where it can be 80 in December or snow in May. So at least being able to predict the weather sounds pretty nice.
yep, 65 degrees here today in Duluth. but this is only payback for late April, when you guys enjoy sunshine and 50 and we still have snowstorms.
reason #78 why you should come to KC: the weather has actually been very pleasant for the past week! Sure, it was miserably awful for the entire summer up to that point, but damn, these past few days have been just damn fine. Damn fine.
Oh I love a good fight. Let me know when and where!
Thank God there are other people like me who love the cold/hate the heat. Last summer we moved from FL to SC (a northerly direction) and it's HOTTER here in the summer than it is there! We've decided we're just going to keep moving north until Summer is nonexistent. I'm sad one of the states I considered mostly cold is acting like this. I'm counting the days until coolness.
My fav seasons are Spring and Fall. Winter and Summer get too extream for a sissy girl like me. It's been in the 50s here for a week! It's like August is no longer the hottest month of the year.
Today (aka, Hotter than Satan's Nutsack, Day 458): Some lady in line behind me at Menard's actually left the line and chose another line. I believe it was due to the fact that I was sweating profusely.
I am hella sick of summer. Bring on November, baby.
I can't believe someone living in Minnesota is complaining about 80 degree weather....ker-ay-zee.
I think it might be time to move to Canadia. Or maybe not. I hear they eat moose up there.
Oh Whiskey, you go get your fight on, girl!
I'll happily share my "too hot to live" summers with you if you'd rather, I'm sure it could make yours seem like a day at the south pole, but winters? you can KEEP your winters to yourself..I don't want no Minnesnowta winters over here marring up my "just this side of hell" warm winters..no thanks..
Here in Satan's Armpit, we're enjoying a luscious day of 70 something degrees with a light breeze and sexed-up squirrels gettin' busy on our deck. Looks like the East Coast made off with your weather pattern honey and we're NOT inclined to give it back!
Whiskey.....I LOVE the summer here. I also love the heat. Nothing better than seeing my old lady with a little boob sweat....or crack sweat. Then I can watch her change (which she finds very weird)
You think that's weird?
There is nothing better than a nice warm day, a cold margerita, hangin out by the pool or the beach with a nice breeze, and make love in a hammock. Then an evening where you can still chill at the beach with a fire, eating s'mores. Sure there is a limit to too hot, but I could never live with out my warm summer days.
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