Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Is "handyman porn" an actual genre?

So I'm just going to go ahead and put it out there:
I, Whiskeymarie, ass-kicker extrordinaire, love having men fix things/build things/use power tools so I don't have to. I'm happy to throw on an apron and bake a bundt cake while guys who know more about lumber than I know about my vagina, hammer, saw and plumb my house into submission.

Yes, I know I'm an embarrassment to women's rights activists everywhere. I'm aware. But I don't give a shit.
I actually consider this to be a huge act of self-actualization and assertiveness on my part.

I already do it all: I am the #1 breadwinner/bringer of the bacon in my home, I cook, I clean, I garden, I decorate, I grocery shop, I do laundry and I set up the trapeze and wading pool of jell-o when it's time for a little bow-bow-chicka-bow. Sure, the Mr. does his part too- but being a bit of a control freak, I tend to don my cape, boots and american eagle bustier and try to do it all, all the time.

I'm a busy, modern woman. I'm comfortable with passing on this sort of stuff.
I don't need to prove anything to anyone.

Plus, truth be told, I have a bit of a thing for guys that are "handy". Nothing gets my engine purring quicker than when a man whips out his hammer and knows what to do with it.

Right now the plumbers are here, doing some very invasive work that hopefully means I will have a brand new bathroom in short order. I think they're Russian, these guys. I was kind of hoping that George, my plumber, would have sent the me-ow super sexy dude that did some work here a while ago. He was cute, tall, nearly bald either by choice or heredity (always a plus in my mind), handy, and he had that thick...Russian accent. I (like many other shallow and easily impressed women I know) am a sucker for an accent. If you're dropping your "r" in an attempt to learn the English language, chances are I'm thinking about dropping my drawers for you.
I'm such a cliche'.

My favorite parts of a "handy" man? Probably not the parts you think, my little dirty birds.
His arms and hands.
I love when men have kind of rough and maybe a bit scarred/calloused hands. I like a little muscle on the arms (not too much) and ropy veins. Dudes with manicures do nothing for this girl. To me, a man who is willing to get grimy, sweaty, bruised and abused in the pursuit of home improvements is probably willing to do the same in the sack. And, oddly enough, I noticed back in my dating days that guys who worked well with their hands tended to be really, really good in the, (ahem...) "oral" areas as well, for whatever reason.

So go ahead, boys. Let me be the girl. I'll bring you lemonade and cookies while you get down and dirty. I don't mind at all. I might even wear heels and fix my hair.
Just be aware that if you are even remotely attractive, I'll be thinking deliciously impure thoughts about you and your tool belt. If you want to avoid me molesting you with my eyes, I suggest you wear a long-sleeved shirt and gloves, otherwise all bets are off.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to find a fan and a cool drink- I seem to be overheating a bit.

(And yes, the answer is yes. The Mr. is a pretty handy guy with very handy hands of his own.)


****************************************
Addendum:

Poobomber totally predicted this would happen. Finally the elusive blue yak is revealed...

Dr. Zibbs- you so sexy. Thanks for giving us ladies something to fantasize about:


.

41 comments:

poobomber said...

Any moment now you're going to get an email from Dr. Zibbs with a photo of him holding a hacksaw. He may even use a marker to draw veins on his arm.

Please post it!

Mommy Lisa said...

OY! I am with you.

and now I need a shower.

surviving myself said...

I'm not handy at all. I can't fix a damn thing and I don't want to.

Though back in the day I could always get my Super Mario Bros. to work by setting it in the Nintendo just right.

Does that count?

Yes.

Yes it does.

Dr Zibbs said...

Let me just say that just the other week I was wondering if a friend of mine is good with the ladies because he's good with mechanical stuff. I can't fix diddly but I'm not only great with the ladies, I've invented a few moves of my own. A sampling:
The Zibbs Zinger
That Blue Clitoris
The Bulgarian slip-n-slide
What.Can.I.Say?

Whiskeymarie said...

poo- what a coincidence that such a thing appeared in my e-mail already...

mommy- I knew the ladies would be with me on this one.

surviving- well, despite your shortcomings as a handyman you still convinced someone to marry you, so I think we'll count the Super Mario thingy.

Zibbs- I'm glad to be here to answer your questions.
I have heard of the "Zibbs Zinger" in the magazines. It seems uncomfortable and awkward, but I'll give it a shot in your honor tonight.

T said...

Growing up in a blue-collar railroad town, I have a big thing for the handy boys, as well. Arms and hands - grrrhhhra! But, I also have a big thing for the suit & tie Chamber boys. And the athletes. And the intellectuals. And the outdoor North Face types. Not so much the artists, though.

patsy said...

hands, arms, shoulders dabbled with a bit a sweat and I swoon...

Chiada said...

Whiskey, you crack me up. But I am with you all the way. My Hub-E is also quite handy and has those hands and arms you are talking about. Plus he works half naked half the time and has gotten quite a nice tan upper torso (which is hilarious when contrasted with the white lower torso). In addition to the hands and arms is that back muscle that sort of wraps around to the sides that is just under the shoulders/arm pit areas. You know the muscle I'm talking about?

Moe Wanchuk said...

Sorry WM.... All I can offer is the shaved head(makes me look fast) but the hammer looks very big in my old lady's hand(s). She's the handyman in our house. She gets the sweaty boobs thing going a lot (gets me worked up). I hope this doesn't get you worked up, cuz if I catch you having a lesbian affair with my old lady, I'll be utterly crushed.

Unless I can watch

Falwless said...

Dear Jesus, Whiskeymarie, you are right on target, girl. That whole hands and arms thing is SO me. There is something about a guy's forearms.. and also shoulders! Oh dear, niiice broooaad maaanly shoul...

*loses focus*

You know, I wasn't at all horned-up before I came to your blog. I hate you and your evil, evil powers.

McGone said...

I'm going to need to see actual evidence of this "Whiskey-occasionally-dons-cape-boots-American eagle bustier" you speak of.

Kate said...

In college I dated a guy who was an ironworker. He was all chapped hands and muscles and ropy veins and oh sweet hannah, he was good in the dirty departments. Of course at the time, I did not appreciate him at all. Fool!

I, much like your SIL, find that I like almost all boys. Except ones without muscles. Muscles are a must.

Um, so we have some more plumbing issues? Do you like your plumbers beyond their accents? Because my plumber won't call me back. I think he hates my house. I don't blame him. So I might need a new local plumber.

Sornie said...

Oh, so you have some pipes that need fixin. Let me take off my shirt and have a look see.

Handyman porn is tougher to write out than act out in my head.

punchlinewalking said...

I had some pretty vivid handyman fantasies when we were remodeling. Unfortunately the guys working on my house were more the missing teeth, rat-tail, smells like a bar variety. And no accent either, unless you count Kentuckian.

Gwen said...

Just effing great, WM. Now I'm all in a lather and stuck at work. I, too, love a man who's good with his hands and knows how to take charge.

Did you notice that Dr. Zibbs is missing a finger? I bet that makes surgery harder.

180|360 said...

I've never had a sexy plumber fix my pipes either. The guy we use is named "Doug, the drunken, 3-fingered Plumber." His accent is more of the rancher variety and he also has no teeth or hair. He did share his Moonshine with me a few weeks ago. I think he would be right up your alley! Perhaps we could swap?

PS. I'll remember to keep my British husband away from you when we finally meet! :)

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

So you're tossing us intellectuals under the bus eh. We're used to it sister, we're used to it.

Fran said...

Wait... a man whips out his (ahem) "hammer" and doesn't know what to do with it and you are happy?

Oh - you meant a real hammer. Sheesh, you kill me!

i am playing outside said...

you should fall in love with Mike Holmes. you'll thank me.

kat said...

Me, reading this post:

"Ha."
"Ha! Ha!"
"Heeheeheee!"
...
"DAD?!"

Landis said...

this one time, at band camp,
i had to stay home for a delivery, and when the guy showed up, he was six three, freckled, redhead, and looked like a freakin abercrombie ad. then he said "it's really hot out, do ya mind if my friend helps carry this inside?"

his friend was latin, named roman, and was built like the movie 300.

did i mention they were delivering OUR MATTRESS??

i kept looking around for the hidden cameras so much, i completely forgot to put on the bow chicka bow bow music.

Gretta said...

Now I just want lemonade and cookies.

Ghost Dansing said...

YMCA

pistols at dawn said...

What if the guy is really crap with his hands, but can use those hands to call people he can hire who can build and fix stuff?

Renaissance Woman said...

So sexy...guy in the picture. I think its great to have somebody else do the plumbing...I don't want that job. I agree...about the strong hands. And a strong wrist does it every time for me...not gender specific.

Failcooks said...

I'm right there with you, lady. With your Russian and my South African, we've got ourselves the starts of our own little UN of Handyman Porn.

My man? Not so much with the hammer. But, he's a demon on guitar, about the only thing that trumps hammer, in my opinion.

domboy said...

I always liked Russian guys who can do a Russian dance. Strength, stamina and style, with a little fun thrown in.

Anonymous said...

I wonder what Dr. Zibbs is hiding under that big red heart on him?

Patti

LittlePea said...

HA! Do exterminators count? Not that I'm in any way attracted to, er, nevermind.

I have a husband with a French accent but would rather hire a handy man than be one. He's also good in the, um, you know. You have a husband who is handy. Would you like to trade? I've got some serious fixing that needs to be done around here.

:O)

Shonda Little said...

I couldn't agree with you more. Plus, resourcefulness is definitely a feminist value. ;)

Stacey said...

crap. I meant to say if I had to "fix" anything...

Stacey said...

I gotta show this to my incredibly handy,blue collar Mr.
I thank the lord every day that I married in to handy, bcuz I'd jump off a cliff if I had to anything other then incredibly minor shit.
And yeah it does make the loins kinda tingly when I watch him work sometimes.

just a girl... said...

LMAO plumbers are hot

gorillabuns said...

My grandfather used to tell me to never trust a man with smooth hands, hopefully, he wasn't into handymen.

Fran said...

You.
My blog.
Award.
Got it?
Well come get it.
Or this could get ugly.

Bec said...

When I left home I was bought a series of books - 101 things you don't need a man for - how to stop a leaking tap, put up shelves, etc etc. my first and last thought as I placed them on the dust gathering shelf was:
'Where's the fun is that?!'

Courtney said...

Agree to agree, my friend. Agree to agree. Dr. Zibbs = yum! :)

Bill Hipps said...

(knocking)
Who's there?
The plumber, I've come to lay some pipe.
(queue the 70s guitar)

Stella said...

I'm pretty handy on my own because I have had to be, but I'm totally with you on the swooning for men that are a bit rough. Nothing like those strong hands.

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