Friday, August 15, 2008

I really should get better health insurance.

The following takes place at the office of Dr. O'Pootertoot, renowned psychoanalyst and Nobel prize winner, as he attempts to get to the heart of Ms. Whiskeymarie VonPartypant's psyche. He is wearing leiderhosen and a cowboy hat (as he often does) and Whiskey is lying on the couch, staring at the ceiling and mindlessly shoving a pencil in her nose.

Dr. P: "So Whiskey, last time we spoke, you indicated that you felt extreme feelings of isolation and paranoia lately. What do YOU think is the cause of these problems?" (The doctor pulls out rubber gloves)

Whiskey: "Well, I haven't left the house in a week, and that tall dude with the bloody hockey mask and hacksaw keeps showing up on my doorstep asking if I want to talk about Jesus. Do you think either of these things could be a problem here?"

Dr. P: "Oh no, no no no. I think you're ignoring the more obvious issues as well as projecting your feelings on to others." (he pulls a tube of something out of the desk drawer)

Whiskey: "Really? Cause the dude said if I don't join his church that he's coming back when I least expect it and chopping me into a million bits. He sure seemed sincere. But, I guess I see your point- maybe it all is just me being coo-koo nutso again. "

Dr. P: "I feel like we've had a real breakthrough here today, Whiskey. By admitting that you're a coo-koo nutso whack job, you've taken the first step. I think that many, many years of invasive and intrusive psychotherapy, coupled with high doses of Lithium and vodka should at least get you to the point where you'll stop seeing 'imaginary' serial killers. But unfortunately you'll still never leave your house- in your condition that would be a terrible idea." (he dims the lights)

Whiskey: "Whatever you say doctor- you're the professional! Thanks for your help, I'll be on my way now!"

Dr P: "Not so fast, Whiskey. Before you leave, I'd like to do a thorough full-body check for any possible signs of the devil that you may be marked with, and then I always like to do a exploratory anal probe with all of my patients." (he locks the door)

Whiskey: "Well, if you think that's necessary, I guess..."

Dr P: "I said I like to do it, I never said it was necessary."


In the hopes that this unfortunate situation never happens again, I am actually leaving the house today and going out and doing something fun, stupid, unnecessary or illegal.
Meet me for lunch and we'll have martinis.

Happy Friday, my adequately lubricated latex gloves. Happy Friday.



Dr Zibbs said...

When I read "and...scene", I was a bit relieved as I thought it was real. I was concerned for you and me - because I thought I was your one stop doctor.

John said...

There are SO many lewd comments I could make here, that I won't make any of them. Instead, I'll tell a "better health insurance plan" joke:

A wealthy hospital benefactor was visiting the local hospital. During her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating. "Oh my GOD!" said the woman. "That's disgraceful. Why is he doing that?" The doctor leading the tour explained, "I'm sorry, but this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they'll explode and he will die within minutes."

"Oh, that's terrible," said the woman. In the very next room a beautiful female nurse was performing oral sex on a different male patient. OH my GOD!" said the woman, "WHAT is she doing!?" The doctor replied, "Same condition as the other man, but this guy has better health insurance."

Whiskeymarie said...

Zibbs- You accept Blue Cross, right?

John- I like how you didn't make it dirty but still...did. You funny.

surviving myself said...

Okay - so here's the question I have: Is the X the kiss or the hug? I always get it confused.

I just want to get it right so I know more useless knowledge than I already do.


Suze said...

Wow, I see we go to the same dentist. Cool!

McGone said...

I'll give you some advice - since Dr. O'Pootertoot bills by the hour, I always lie facedown on the couch.

Stacey said...

Ok, now John's joke. That was damn funny!

Enjoy and have a drinky poo for me.

P.s. your blogroll is getting too big, good lord woman that might be why y'ain't got outta the house ;)

dguzman said...

Well, you can HOPE those gloves are adequately lubricated, anyway.

My word verification is puvsxoxv. Oh my.

Angela said...

Hello Ms. Whiskey. I stumbled upon a website today that made me think of you!

Vintage-inspired aprons and matching gloves. Yeah, you heard me right. You can get your fashion bitch on WHILE you're in the kitchen being all domestic 'n' shit. ;)

(Seriously--they are super fun looking.)

Renaissance Woman said...

I may need the number to your doctor! Sounds fun!

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Can I get an appoinment with that shrink?

CDP said...

I hope you got out of the house! (Single payer is the only solution...)