Friday, August 8, 2008

BULLET!!!*

*just for you, Jon.

I haven't used bullet points in a while and thought you may be missing them.

Here's my day, random and in comfortable list form so as not to chafe you.
  • The "handyman" I chose to build a wall is proving himself not so handy. I estimate I have spent 8.5 hours waiting for him to call, or for him to show up. If we were dating, this is the point where I would start sleeping with his roommate.
  • I'm giving him a "get out of jail free THIS TIME" card simply because when he showed up for measurements, he was sporting a righteous 'stache and old school white leather Reebok high-tops.
  • Hello, my name is Whiskeymarie and I am addicted to these.
  • I'm wearing a Japanese Froot Loops t-shirt as I type.
  • My neighbors directly across the street (the only neighbors we've actually talked to as far as actual conversations go) moved weeks ago and we didn't even notice. I guess they were readying the house for the Realtors when I saw them and said Hi today, and she's like, "Oh, we moved. " End of conversation. Just like that. We'll see what moves in. I hope they're English- I've never had English neighbors before. We could get together for tea and crumpets and share a larf about the Queen. Good times.
  • Right now, my pants, jeans and dresses are in the closet downstairs, my underwear, jammies and 1/2 of my shirts are in the bedroom dresser, the other 1/2 of my shirts, my work clothes and my t-shirts are in the old "closet room" still, and my socks, misc. accessories and tights are in the guest room. If I can't make up my mind immediately every morning, getting dressed involves no less than 14 trips up and down the stairs and 27 cries of "Motherfucker!", such is my frustration.
  • I'm sick and tired of summer, and summer is sick and tired of me.
  • Later, I'm going to stain a door. I don't think I've ever stained anything before, unless you count the food stains that are constantly appearing out of "nowhere" on my white shirts.
  • I survived my one day of work this week- thank you all for your kind words and sympathy cards. I'm glad y'all understood the gravity of my sorrow.
  • I forgot to show you what my little sexypants girl, Gwen, arranged to arrive when I returned from my trip.
Take a peek:


Stuff! I like stuff! Especially cute, funny, monkey-laden, cookie-rich stuff!

And, from the looks of this tank top she sent, she has me all figured out:




Someone give Crazy a cookie, then. Crazy can only survive with a strict diet of sugar, white flour and frosting. Don't make Crazy angry. You wouldn't like it when she's angry...



She sent along a note challenging me to do something stupid in my fancy new shirt and show her what I did.
Since I rarely do anything stupid, you'll have to give me at least an hour or two to produce results. Truly great acts of astounding stupidity take time, you know? But is IS almost happy hour time, and it IS Friday...
Chances are I'll be able to come up with something- I wouldn't bet against me, that's all I'm sayin'.

She also gave me a very, very small folding chair.

Fine then. We'll see how this goes. Hmmm...big ass, small chair. I don't see this ending well. I see an awkward and embarrassing trip to the ER in my future.

I think I'll see if I can get one of the cats to use it. I see Pooter lounging in the sun on it, trying in vain to get the white patch of fur on her crotch tan, a margarita in one hand and a tiny little thong bikini covering up her bits.

Thanks for the loot, Gwen!


You have successfully bought my silence about that time you shit your pants.
(makes zipping motion over mouth)
Yup. Safe with me, my dear.



Happy Friday, my naughty little flashes of Pooter bits. Happy Friday.

XO

26 comments:

Moe Wanchuk said...

can we get a picture of the fruit loop shirt?

Gwen said...

I'm so glad you love the stuff! The tiny chair is a napkin holder, you big dork! See the pink flamingo napkins? Yeah, they go together.

Although technically, the chair is yours now so do whatever the hell you want with it.

Love you tons and tons! MWAH!

Gretta said...

All I heard was "sick of summer", and then right after that "Time to buy new boots!"

Siana said...

I want the fruit loops shirt!

stacy said...

i keep my clothes in different rooms too!

think of it as exercise... and every now and then i'll scream motherfucker!

Renaissance Woman said...

We have the same addiction! I love morning star products! Now that you have a new shirt maybe I could get an old one???? Maybe?

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

At least you had neighbors that would talk to you. Mine hate me with a white hot hatred of 1000 suns because of my liberal politics.

Dr Zibbs said...

Holy cow! Gwen must be made of money - or selfless rainbows. Also, if you give the contractor a get of jail free card, you should...should..wait..I just thought of specific details. I'll write a post about it now.

Gwen said...

Dr. Zibbs: I'm actually made out of cat hair and belly button lint, but thanks for asking.

Jon said...

Those are some damn sexy bullets. Nicely done, WM.

John said...

You're such a hottie in RED. Or blue. Or black. Or purple. Or green, yellow, teal, magenta, eggshell, or bone. Please do more posts about your pants, underwear and jammies.

P.S. - my captcha below to post this comment is "crabfig" Just FYI. Are you fixing crabfigs for dinner?

Ghost Dansing said...

cookie blues

Spirula said...

I'm probably not the first to mention it, but your picture on the header of your blog reminds me of this very talented woman. I actually have all of her early material. On vinyl.

I can't afford to hate summer. I live in Floriduh. The one consolation is that the heat drives the crackers into activities which will qualify them for the Darwin Awards.

So there's that.

Falwless said...

Hahaha - I love your pictures! You, Whiskeymarie, are delectable.

domboy said...

The English people will really like you, but they’ll suppress it … you won’t know till they move out.

Mel O said...

AWWWW!! What a sweet friend!! I love fun little surprises (hint, hint!) like that.

What a weird conversation with the neighbors... I think I would have said "SUH-WEEEEET!" and started prancing around in celebration. Just out of spite.

:)

Muffy Willowbrook said...

Wow....I've never laughed at so many random things at once ever.

You are v. funny. I think your blog is great!

Moe Wanchuk said...

You know...I've been thinking...is Uncle Bucky single?
I think he'd really like my Aunt VinnaLou.

surviving myself said...

I just hope your "jammies" are the ones with the feet built-in the bottoms.

Sexy!

Grant Miller said...

Bullets are the best part of waking up.

Stacey said...

Stuff is good. Getting stuff in the mail that isn't junk mail but fun suprises is even better. I think I might mail myself to you. Please warn your mailman. I wouldn't want him to get a hernia

(P.S.- That tank is probably just about the awesomest thing I've ever seen. I'm going to consult Google because I've decided I need one)

Gwen said...

@the other WM: I got it at a local t-shirt shop. Their website is www.rinawear.com. Email me if it's a pain in the ass to order and I'll pick one up for you.

MommasWorld said...

We love Happy Bunny over here. I even got a Scottish note pad with a picture of Happy Bunny with lipstick marks on his tushie that said "Pog Mahone!" In English that means "Kiss My Arse" :-)

Landis said...

you know,
you promised tittillating bullet points, and ended up with T&A.

i expect better from you.

(no, i don't, but i feel judgemental today.)

metalia said...

OMG. I inhale all things Morningstar Farms. That wasn't even GRAMMATICAL ENGLISH but such is my love for their delicious, addictive yumminess.

pistols at dawn said...

Big ass, small chair is the new fat guy in a small suit.