Thursday, June 7, 2007

Working extra hard, clawing my way up to merely normal. *Plus, now with 100% more added cake!

I sexually harassed myself today.

I was about 20 minutes into a work meeting that I had completely lost interest in, even the second-wind "fake" sort of interest that has you nodding and going "mm-hmm" while thinking about whether or not eating prunes and Kashi cereal in the same sitting was going to be a problem later on or not.

I guesstimate the time at around 60-90 seconds that I completely zoned out and emptied my brain of little details like thoughts, or sense, or dignity.

Turns out-
I had been staring at my own boobs during this "lost" time, this departmentally-centered blip in the space-time continuum.

Those of you with these wonderfully bouncy appendages, try it. Look down at them. Not just a glance- make sure you have a good view.

There it is.

You will notice that you are not in a "normal" or "comfortable" position. You may have that double-chin thingy going on like I do when I move my head that way.

Normal people do not assume this position by choice. Normal people would immediately look up- maybe a 2-3 second infraction, at worst. Normal people wouldn't hang out- just staring.
Normal people look at boobs that AREN'T their own.

Even when I realized what I was doing I lingered a few seconds more. "Hey you two! Hey!"

When I finally came to my senses and looked up, two of my coworkers were staring at me.

Not my boobs.

They had looks on their faces that told me they had been present for at least the middle and final acts, if not the whole show.

Let's just put this down as #357 of why I will never run for office, why I will never be anyone's therapist, and why I really really really shouldn't leave the house. Ever.


As I will be drinking and peeing in the woods this weekend I will be away from you, my beloved custard-filled éclairs.

My one goal this weekend: To NOT get poison Oak on my ass. Trust me, it ain't fun. But that's a true story for another day...

Have a _______ weekend! (I'm not the boss of you- I shouldn't be telling you what to do)

What is, I'm sure, a much-anticipated update:

I promised cake pics in my last post, and here it is. It's a little "rustic" as I had to leave it in the pan for traveling purposes, but I think the general feeling of the cake still shines through.

Sweet, delicious cake! Kissing penises!

See you in a few days, my little banana muffins.


Scott said...

"and why I really really really shouldn't leave the house"

I had the urge to add a witty yet cliché comment on this line but I think I will refrain (laugh).

Butrfly Garden said...

Ha! I've been caught doing that AT MY DESK!

They're just jealous.

I have to rewrite my post for tomorrow now. I wrote it today cuz work had me pissy and I wanted to not work at all tomorrow. I said something about having a great weekend and adding in how bossy I was being. Glad I read you tonight!

Jay said...

Those must be some bazoombas to have hypnotized you like that!

Brillig said...

Hahahahaha. Holy crap, that's hilarious. Not the boob-staring--I kinda get that. But the being caught boob-staring. SO FUNNY!!!!

THIS is why I love you, dear WM.

I was gonna tell you to have a great trip, but...uh... I guess I won't...

H said...

The view of my cleavage is quite unspectacular. I'm jealous. And also think it's funny that you got outed by your coworkers checking yourself out.

Butrfly Garden said...

Hahaha! They're KISSING! HAHAHAHAHAH! :)

Lollie said...

It's abut the penis that food-coloured coconut? If so, I would want that piece, brown or blonde, no worries.

This is the best cake I have ever seen. Well, the second best. Our wedding cake was the best, but it didn't include penises (penii?) so you win the best penis laden cake I have ever seen.

ps - what's cleavage? I have two bee stings and trust me, two bee stings doesn't a cleavage make.

Parisian Cowboy said...

A really good post indeed !

LittlePea said...

So funny. Great cake. Would I be a slut if I said I wanted a bite?

viciousrumours said...

I decided I should never be anyones therepist after I told a friend of mine to "get the fuck over herself" when she complained for the third time about a boyfriend she didn't like. I figure that if I can't sit and listen to people complain without telling them to quit whining, I wouldn't make a good therepist.

Love the cake...and you'd be welcome at my house any day.

Rebecca said...

did you MAKE that cake? well, you have hidden talents, don't you?? along with the more obvious talents like being able to stare at your own breasts for long periods of time.

feisty said...

you should be thankful, and not at all embarassed, to have enough cleavage to look at...

Stacey said...

Well we've already discussed how interesting cleavage can be.

Now, I'm really going to need one of those cakes. I can't get over the pubs. So lifelike its scary.
Ah the many talents of WM - you never cease to amaze me.