Reason #1) Today I spent 10 minutes standing perfectly still in my back porch while I waited for the robin that we just recently discovered has built a luxury condo in our cherry tree to eat some sunflower seeds that I dumped on the back sidewalk.
When she didn't bite, I figured her supersonic bird beak could smell me, so I quietly went in the house and continued to watch for another 10 minutes. Well, maybe it was 20. Who (with a life, hobbies and pride) can say?
Then I realized (after my 20 minute statue impersonation) that I was angry at the robin. Couldn't she see that I put the seeds there for her and her family???
Couldn't she see that I loved them???
No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it, my sweet red-breasted (tee hee) friend. Please don't go.
I love you, little birdy.
Reason #2) I watched the English-speaking Russian news channel for 2+ hours today, even though I had no fucking Idea what they were talking about (IN ENGLISH) 95% of the time.
Though confused, I still felt so very continental watching it. And smrt.
Oops, I mean s.m.a.r.t.
I'm drinking vodka right now to celebrate my newfound Eurotrashyness.
Reason #3) When I took off my socks today after 6 hours in a hot kitchen, I smelled them.
For no good reason.
They smelled like your grandpa's perpetually single brother "Hank" that always makes too much noise snorting and breathing eating Thanksgiving dinner after 4 brandys.
Yup, kinda like that.
Well, that intensified in a way that only 5 year-old rubber Birkenstock clogs can enhance foot odor.
Like a dog sniffing another dogs butt, I am.
Reason #4) I own rubber Birkenstock clogs. I want to slap me for that one.
Reason #5) I tripped today and instead of looking around embarrassed, I laughed and said to myself, "watch where you're going you stupid clumsy bitch."
Then I sang the reeses peanut butter cup ditty to myself.
Reason #6) I said "Word." As in "To your mother."
We are at nerd terror level chartreuse today, folks.
I'd take an umbrella and a change of underwear with me to work, if I were you...