Friday, January 16, 2009

What's wrong with me, part 7,463.

Have you ever done that thing, where you're standing somewhere (doesn't matter where- grocery store, coffee shop, methadone clinic, etc...) where you look around and wonder, "If armed bandits burst in right now, took us all hostage and said I had to have sex with one person in here, who would it be?" (I know- you read about this happening all the time- scary.)

Yes?
No?
Just me?

I'll admit it, I have no shame- I do that a lot.

Sometimes there is a clear-cut favorite, the tall, dark drink of water with a nice smile and the butt you've been staring at the entire 12 minutes you've both been in line. Sometimes, due to a clear lack of viable male candidates, I look for the girl in the room that looks like she'd be fun to go shopping with- I'm fun to shop with and I'd sleep with me, so it makes sense in a blatantly narcissistic way. Sometimes I pick the 50-something guy with graying hair and blue-collar sensibilities because it's been my experience that those guys are generally fantastic in the sack- eager to please and unexpectedly dirty.

But the ones I have the most fun thinking about are the "dark horse" candidates- the ones that you'd pick just so that you could drunkenly brag to your girlfriends sometime that you did the deed with a guy with a glass eye who was wearing a cape and elf shoes. What about the seven foot-tall dude with the chihuahua and the bedazzled jeans? Well, if it comes down to him and the guy in the "Your mom is hot" t-shirt drinking a red bull and wearing a backwards baseball cap- You can bet I'm gonna push douchey aside for the sparkly giant. No contest.

So...I guess what I'm saying here is that if you see me in a public setting staring at you with a furrowed brow as if I were thinking real hard, there's a good chance I'm trying to decide between you and the one-armed guy with the tattooed face in the fur coat up at the counter paying for his frappuccino and the brunette in the corner wearing the great boots and awesome vintage dress clicking away on her laptop.

Just don't take it personally if I don't pick you.

Happy Friday, my imaginary deformed lovers. Happy Friday.

XO

34 comments:

kat said...

I am delighted to find out that I'm not the only person who does this. And screw you, Whiskey -- if you don't pick me of your own free will, I will MAKE you have hostage-situation sex with me.

There, I said it.

Dr Zibbs said...

I do a similar thing. I try to think how the person (chick) is in bed. I bet I could pick the ones out of a crowd that are really good that nobody would suspect. I really do.

Jocelyn said...

You know how they say foreplay can start early in the day with some pleasant comment or gesture???

Girl, you totally got me going with the glass eye, cape and elf shoes.

The Husband better LOOK OUT when he gets home today!!

(I practice this as well but never as a hostage situation, it's all pure lust. And the majority of these situations take place at biker-type events. YUMMY!!)

*SNORT!* word verification us undise - just a typo away from UNDIES. As in DROP 'EM!!

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

As usual, I get rejected by the hot chick. Thanks for breaking my heart again.

BunGirl said...

Hey Whiskey!
Happy Friday to ya.
I wanted to share with you an ad on youtube for condoms. It's friday dammit, party time!!!
It's called "DUREX Get it on".
Check it out and relive the good ol days of "makin bacon". I LMAO!

T said...

It's definitely not just you. Yang and I have a regular game with a similar line of thinking. It's never gotten old in 15 years.

beatgrl said...

Yes, I do it too.

Now that you planted the seed this morning I'll certainly be surveying the prospects at Goodwill and the office supply store today.

Very sexy new picture BTW.

Giggle Pixie said...

The sparkly giant? Yeah, good choice. Flamboyant translates to "passion"! LOL

Anonymous said...

No, you're not the only one. Maybe I need to be more subltle like you. My "Come to Mama" shirt is wearing out.

Patti

Anonymous said...

That would be subtle.

Some Guy said...

I bedazzle all my clothes, even underwear. It can get painful, but high fashion sometimes is, no?

John said...

I think for guys it's a lot more straightforward. Armed bandits and hostages really don't enter into it. We see an attractive woman and think *I'd like to do her*

Simple.

And I'd totally take it personally if you didn't pick me.

Happy Weekend ya hot hobo chick ya.

Stacey said...

John makes my day. Is he part of the pickins' in the hostage situation thingy?

Mojito said...

I'm confident you'd pick me.
I'm jus' sayin'...

Gwen said...

I make up back stories for people I see but this is way more fun. Pick me or suffer the consequences, blog wife.

Word Ver: consated. All it's missing it a "tip" in the middle! (for the challenged one in the crowd: cons"tip"ated)

Keith said...

I am so shocked at your perverted story that I am going to have to remove you from my blogroll!

Actually, on second thought, I may have to list you twice. I really respond to those who dare write what everyone else is merely thinking.

Kim said...

I fear my little game might even be sicker than that. I made it up years ago and my sister and I still play it sometimes when we're bored. We think of the weirdest and grossest people we can come up with and name a price (tax free) that you'd be paid to do it with them. My biggest rule is you have to be sober during it so you will remember everything, but you can use some of your money for therapy later.
I don't think I'd ever recover if I saw you looking at me and then you chose someone else.

Lisa said...

I always wondered what all that brow furrowing was about.

180|360 said...

The more I learn about you, the more I love the way your mind works.

The Girl Wonder said...

WM - I'm finally getting around to catching up on blog reading. Nice layout btw! Wish I could see layout changes in google reader...

thanks for the invite to be your neighbor but you know if I were nothing would ever get done between planning tea parties for the cats and making a cardboard habit trail between our basements so we could smuggle hot delivery/repairmen back and forth.

Kate said...

W00t! Pick me! Pick me!!

Lollie said...

I used to just wonder what people might be like in bed - you, however, take it one step further. I will now play your game. I like it better.

PS - you'd better pick me. Just sayin'

Ghost Dansing said...

pretty woman......

Candy's daily Dandy said...

HAHAHAHA!!!!! Ya, sometimes I think I am just sexually frustrated enough to fantasize about Ramone, the boy who bags my groceries at the market, ever so gently.
Please Whiskey Marie, don't tell anyone.. I'm sure my secret is safe with you.

Doc said...

Before we started dating, my future wife had a long string of toothless men who owned CB radios.

Doc

WendyB said...

"the brunette in the corner wearing the great boots and awesome vintage dress clicking away on her laptop. " -- OMG! You were looking at ME!!!

Scope said...

I play the guys versions of these about once or twice a day. In the morning when I'm riding the subway, I look around the car, looking for who I think would be the most fun in bed. (I ride the train home with a co-worker, and by the time she leaves the train, it's not a target rich environment.)

The other time is in the elevator. "Is it worth it?" Is the cummulative "talent" in the cab worth being with "the worst" to get a go with "the first"?

Wide Lawns said...

Yeah, I do it too. All the time.

EmBee said...

Well now every time I'm in a public place I'll be careful to notice who I might have to have sex with... Gee, thank for THAT new item to add to my list of worries.

Landis said...

you know what ratchets this game up a notch?

"what would technically qualify me as a sociopath . . . and could i do it?"

too far?

ok, fine. stick to your sex games.

bereccah said...

oh boy, I am going to love this blog, I can tell. I haven't done the hostage situation sex scenario before, but there is always a first time. Good stuff.

dguzman said...

You know you've already done the guy with the cape and the elf shoes like three times, Whiskey. Admit it.

Red said...

Yeah, I can really get behind the blue collar thing, although ideally those are his roots and he's moved up in the world. You know how they say men want a lady at dinner and a whore in bed? I've realized that I want a professional at dinner and a construction worker (or some such) in bed.

Mo said...

Fuck the iPhone games, this one is a winner!