Thursday, September 11, 2008

Listen up, Buster!!


"I'm a good listener."

You hear this all the time. I've said it on many occasions, you've probably uttered the same words yourself. We all like to think that when our coworkers are rambling on about how their recent visit to the oral surgeon went, and "Oh my I've never felt such pain in my uvula before!" that we are doing more than watching their lips flap in the wind while actually thinking about our cats. Or dogs. Or that we shouldn't have eaten that burrito for lunch.

Yesterday I realized something.

We are liars. We don't listen.

Sure, when it's something juicy, like how Marjorie from accounting was caught having "kinky relations involving jell-o" with Barney the janitor in the boss's office, well then we are all ears, baby. Try and stop me from perking my radar up when Judy in human resources accidentally lets it slip that the donut budget has been cut and that a strike is imminent. I simply can't not listen when I am being lavished with praise and being told how I don't look a day over 24 and "Gosh, how does your tushie stay that firm and shapely?"
Aw, shucks.

But beyond the gossip, the flattery, the inside secrets and the dishy dish, we simply drift off, tune out and let our mind wander to whether or not we should have bought that $100 turtleneck sweater from Anthropologie last night after a couple glasses of wine, and did I remember to call grandma, and should we order a pizza for din...

We don't freaking listen. I know this because I spent my entire day yesterday in a whirling vortex of NOT being heard. Over and over, not once, not twice, not just three times or so- all freaking day I was ignored, misheard and pretty much having what I consider riveting conversations with myself. Now, I love the lively banter that me and me have on a daily basis- really, I do. But, when what I'm saying will actually make the difference between a problem being solved or me being forced to extricate my toenails with pliers due to mind-numbing frustration, well then I'd like you to shut the fuck up and pay attention for once.

Yes, Verizon customer service- I'm talking to you. "The buttons on my brand new phone don't work AT ALL" is not the same as "So, you're telling me that your phone is spontaneously making phone calls?" And, "No, I'm telling you that when I push the cute little buttons that NOTHING happens" is very much different from "So, you're having difficulties setting up your voice mail?"

And computer services at work? Don't pretend that you don't know what I'm talking about, mister. "My computer just shut off by itself" is an entirely different sentence than "Oh, so your monitor is broken?" (And on a side note, computer dude: My confidence in your computer-repair skills is greatly diminished by the fact that you couldn't even figure out how to silence the ringer on your cell phone and genuinely looked surprised each time it rang in that just telling it to be quiet wasn't enough.)

While we're at it- I'm calling you out too, you people that ask questions then either walk away, start talking to someone else, or get that glassy stare that tells me you're thinking about making out with Clive Owen/that cute girl from accounts receivable/the bag boy at the grocery store while I'm answering. All day yesterday I had to deal with you people. My favorite part is when I answered your question directly and clearly, and then you turned around and asked someone else the same freaking question and acted as if I were mentally challenged and doling out bad advice even though you NEVER HEARD WHAT I SAID IN THE FIRST PLACE. Man, that's just rude. Next time I'm just going to kick you in the crotch. Hard. At least then one of us will walk away from that conversation with a tiny bit of satisfaction.

Argh.

We need to tune in, pay attention, and actually hear one another, for once. If you ask the question, do me a solid and hang around for the answer, dude. If your job is to solve problems, then actually proving your competence by correctly absorbing the pertinent information should be a given, not an option. If I took the time out of my day to listen to you tell me that story about how the grocery store refused to take your 25-cent off coupon for lavender-scented maxi pads, and I actually listened and contributed to your dear-god-it's-so-dull-I'd-rather-be-flossing conversation, then the least you can do is return the favor.

C'mon! We can do better, people!

Whew. That felt good.

I'll quit bitching now- thanks for listening.

Now, what was that you were yammering on about before I interrupted you and started ranting? I didn't catch it. Sorry, I was thinking about my cats again. And feet. And if I should make some eggs. And do I need to pluck that hair? And...

22 comments:

poobomber said...

I dunno what you said just now, I was busy clipping my toenails.

But yeah, I agree 100% with it all! (I think.)

(Wow, that was an obvious and therefore sucky comment, hey?)

Nature Girl said...

oh you said it Sister! That asking thing adn then turning around and asking someone else the same question has happened to me more than once when I worked in retail. I was afraid I was going to get fired the day I said to a customer "Why did you waste my valuable time asking me if you were going to walk away and ask someone else the same thing while I was still talking? Next time you see me in here, just keep walking and don't bother talking!" My manager about shit his pants.
Stacie

CDP said...

Excellent. "Conversations with myself" describes large parts of my day.

Dr Zibbs said...

I'm being totally serious when I ask: "Do they make lavender scented maxi pads?"

Whiskeymarie said...

Zibbs- Sweet Jeebus, I hope not.

John said...

I'm sorry...what are you talkin' about now? This post is about whut now?

Just toying with you WM. I could never not listen to you. : )

Reasons Why We Don't Listen

1. The entire U.S.A. has A.D.D.

2. The entire U.S.A. has A.D.D.

3. The entire U.S.A. has A.D.D.

4. Because YOU'RE not interesting! Only *I* am interesting! (and on a serious note here, it's often the speaker's fault that the listener isn't listening because the speaker hasn't properly engaged the listener to participate in the conversation. Who wants to listen to somebody where everything is "me, me, ME!" Do they ever ask you about YOU?

5. Job related (customer service) indifference - you cited some excellent examples of this Whiskey.

6. The other wants something from you and you know it. Talk to the hand.

7. People are retarded and/or deaf.

Thank you. That is all.

Sornie said...

I'm gonna have to ask you to repeat what you said at the very beginning. I saw something shiny out of the corner of my eye and was totally distracted.

dguzman said...

I hear you, man.

thebestrevenge said...

It drives me absolutely bat-shit insane when I email a corporation from their website and they email me back a form reply to something that is not even REMOTELY related.

If I ask about shipping rates to Mexico for example, they send "thanks for asking how to place an order! Go to our website and then..."

They don't even have the excuse of having misheard me since it's all there in b&w.

Gwen said...

Some time ago I realized I wasn't a good listener. So I worked on it. Now I make sure that I stop the myriad of swirling thoughts in my brain and really take in what other people are trying to convey to me. I thought that it would be like kindness - if you give it, you get it back. Right?

Not so much. BAH! Maybe I'm just supposed to hate other people.

Suze said...

Did you mention Clive Owen?

Mel O said...

i'm sorry... what did you say? i'm still thinking about the bag boy at the grocery store...


if that sounds perverted it's because Ms. Suzel already said my Clive Owen comment

BunGirl said...

This has nothing to do with this great entry.........

How you doin? I was a little worried about you after that one entry.

Just concerned cuz I like you so much!

Wendy

Whiskeymarie said...

bungirl- I'm still pretty much in the same place, I'm just choosing to go on with my life as much as I normally can right now. Things aren't great, but I have to think that there is a light at the end of the tunnel- I just can't see it yet.
Thanks for asking, sweets.

gorillabuns said...

No one seems to listen to me. This is why I yell a lot. Somehow, this approach isn't working for me either.

Anonymous said...

Yes, I can rightly be accused of not really listening to co-workers. But if I have to hear one more thing about the whole "Lipstick on the pig" thing I may have to: A) Vomit B) Sew up my ear holes C) Commit suicide while at work just to become another pathetic "attetion whore". Gosh, I suddenly find myself thinking about my cat again, and how much I need to have HER life!! ~ Renat1967

Kim said...

Oh oh oh, I've got one. My favorite thing ever is when one of my friends calls me, and my best friend is the most guilty of this -SHE calls ME, mind you, then starts talking to her kid, her dogs, her cats (yes, she talks to all of them, but I talk to my dog too, so okay), but bitch WHY DID YOU CALL ME to ask about my day when all you're doing is being distracted by everyone around you!?! Grrrr...it's gotten to the point that she knows I'll hang up on her stupid ass so she's trying not to do it so much. Annoying.

nancypearlwannabe said...

Amen, sister.

surviving myself said...

Yes, for the sake of all of us, please, PLEASE pluck that hair.

It keeps poking me every time I visit your blog and it grosses me out.

the blogger formerly known as maliavale said...

I had the exact same revelation yesterday! After I'd been at work for an hour, I thought, "Am I the Invisible Woman?" Echo ... echo ... echo ....

Freida Bee, MD said...

So, does this mean you have a job?

You obviously should be made the supervisor pronto and then you can make people listen to you or they will have to write essays (and then you could post them here). There's a win win win scenario if I eve heard one.

Landis said...

this post made my ears hurt.

actually, my eyes kind of glazed over half way through, then the comment section made my ears hurt because they were all talking so much.