Thursday, September 18, 2008

I hope this means I can start wearing my "Frankie say relax" t-shirt again!


*Warning- possibly/probably girly post ahead. For you testosterone-fueled readers, I shall intermittently throw in words you will understand- like boobies, panties, blow job, football and such. You're welcome.

Once again fall is upon us.
I'm sitting here- like so many women around the world- wondering what sort of fancy frocks I should spend my plasma donating money on in my never-ending quest to stay fashion-forward. (Panties)

I was perusing the fall collections, as I am wont to do, and found that once again they spoke directly to the deepest parts of my soul. (boobies) Normally I would just hitchhike to my local dollar store/Walgreens and see what sort of fashion gold I could hit. Did you know that Walgreens sells underwear? I believe they were at the forefront of the whole "Nylon Granny panty" fad last year. Fashion is where you find it, folks. Don't judge.

Anyways...

I thought I'd put a little more effort in this year and take some of the hot runway looks and adopt them as my own. I am nothing if not creative, and lord knows I have an image to maintain. I didn't get the title "most likely to recieve the Glamour 'don't' victim of the year award" by playing it safe, you know. (Blow job)

Color me surprised when I noticed that Alexander McQueen has stolen a look I created in 1988.

His "original" look:
I'd like to submit exhibit A for the jury. You will notice (football) that Ms. VonPartypants not only created this look, but she also took it, rocked it, and kicked it's ass for the Marshall High School 1988 Prom. I believe, that if you look closely, you will notice that Mr. McQueen also stole the "frizzy pube-like" hairstyle that Ms. VonPartypants had patented as her own. (beer):

I'm such a trendsetter. (vagina)

I am also starting a petition to stop the blatant disregard for common decency flagrantly shown by designers who continue to push leg warmers on the unsuspecting public. This is shameful and appalling, and I'm pretty sure if you wear them that it means you hate America. (hot pants)
Mr. Vuitton, just because you're a foreigner don't think we won't come after you, commie:

One trend I can really sink my teeth into is "clown chic", a look I picked up on from the Sass & Bide collection. Nothing says "37 year-old professional cat psychic on lithium" more than a fancy top hat, a sparkly harlequin pattern and shiny leggings. I love, love, love this look and can't wait to find a way to fuse it with last year's "deranged Mime" pieces that I'd like to wear for another season, being that I spent $26,574 on them:


I'm really into the whole "white pantyhose with dumpy looking skirt" thing from Nina Ricci here, but I'm worried about that poor model. Why is no one trying to save her from that sweater that seems to be trying to eat her head? (hand job) Kat, I'm thinking she looks a lot like you, so I'd like to see you try this look. I'll even loan you some white butler gloves and my metallic pumps that I bought at Bakers in 1991. (nachos):


I was just going to donate my metallic blue unitard to Goodwill, but it looks like I was jumping the gun. Thanks for saving me from that mistake, Betsey Johnson. Now, if I could only find my Sally Jessy Raphael glasses...


Here in MN it gets pretty darn cold, dont'cha know. (wide-reciever) Leave it to Chanel to make something that finally lets me be fashionable while still maintaining my inner creepy 4 year-old. You can never go wrong with an oddly-shaped hood and a shiny purple bow, I always say. I also say you can never go wrong with dipping your Cheetos in butter, but that's neither here nor there. (balls):


This hood thing seems to be sweeping the world, if by the "world" we mean "people who like hoods paired with suits". Balenciaga has never let me down with their particular brand of "what the fuck were they thinking", and this season is no exception. Think classic plaid suitwear meets 1986 footwear meets that kid on the short bus that needs to wear a helmet:


And:


So...
I've never been afraid to be avant garde or to take a risk (nipple). I decided to pull out some of my favorite aspects from what we've seen here to create, what I believe, is the quintessential Fall '08 ensemble. I took an oversized furry hat/helmet from the house of Fleet Farm, paired it with a fur-trimmed anorak from LeICantremember and a vintage old lady coat procured from the "garage Sale" collection. I paired those items with a kicky one of a kind plaid skirt, leg warmers handcrafted in China for the Gap 2001 sale collection, a silk bow scarf acquired from the estate of Gertrude Nermplantz of the Cleveland Nermplantz Dynasty, and a pair of sueded goatbuttskin platform pumps from Louis Oldnavy (all modeled by my Russian cousin, Ivanka Von Partypantskov) (tits):

Ivanka has modeled for all of the greats: JauCee Pennay, LeKmart, Wal DuMart, and Penthouse.


As Ivanka says, "Vat iz thees sheet ju are moking me vare? I vipe my azzhole vith thees crop. Ju are, how you say- em-bar-az-meent to all zat iz fason."

I don't have any idea what the hell she's talking about either, but she seemed to like the outfit so much that I gave it to her (well, that and she vomited vodka and caviar all over it). (touchdown!)

Dress carefully, my little fur-trimmed fashion disasters. Dress carefully.

XO

42 comments:

WendyB said...

So nice of you to translate things for the men! I really need a top hat. No, really, I do.

CDP said...

Ivanka looks very much like that cousin of yours from Winnipeg. 50-yard line.

180|360 said...

I love the idea of combining all the different designers ideas into one. It really does create a most unique look and will certainly keep you off the "What was she thinking?" list. If only you could find some Faux Paws to wear. That would totally complete your look.

Gwen said...

Can you come see what you can do with what's in my closet?

I got sent home from high school once for wearing my Frankie t-shirt. I grew up in Squaresville, Boringstate.

Stacie's Madness said...

LOVE THIS POST.

Fran said...

I hope you sue the bastards who stole your designer ideas and your clever implementation of such ideas.

Kim said...

I've been driving myself crazy trying to keep up with this year's Fall trends and stressing over what I should spend my meager budget on, but you pretty much answered all my questions right here.
This post kicks so much ass.

Dr Zibbs said...

Love that pic from 1988. My review: Confidence but slight nerves as one notices she's picking the nails on her right hand - worrying about what the night may bring. Her nervousness might lead to Vodeo-do-NO, but the outfit say Vodeo-do-YES.

wafelenbak said...

I can barely type a comment, for I have fallen off my chair laughing.

Sornie said...

All I caught from your post was boobs, beer, tits, vagina, nachos and some photos. Was there something I missed?

Whiskeymarie said...

step- I say you'd be fashion-backward NOT to do it. Buy multiples in everything and wear them together. You'll look awesome, trust me.

Whiskeymarie said...

wendyb- I knew that you would appreciate this post. I say go for it with the top hat.

cdp- Years of inbreeding mean we all look alike in the VonPartypants family tree.

180/360- I like to think I'm an innovator. Tell me where to get these "faux Paws"

Gwen- You REALLY don't want my help, trust me.
And, I once wore fishnets, a micro leather mini and a punk rock t-shirt with tall black leather boots to my small-town podunk high school and no one said a word. I always thought that was odd.

Stacie- I'm happy to help/entertain/confuse.

Fran- my lawyer's on it- I'm expecting a payout in the tens of dollars.

Pseudokim- If you invest in just one piece this year- make it a helmet. Trust me.

Zibbs- If I remember correctly, I did (however reluctantly) put out that night. the dress, however, was a bitch to get off.

wafelenbak- With me, right? Not AT me? Right? Right??

Sornie- then I feel that this post was a total success. Thank you.

Lollie said...

Umm, is kid on the short bus that needs to wear a helmet number sporting a mallard on her helmet?

Please contine to do these posts WM - they really are my favourite. They make me forget that I locked myself out of the apartment yesterday with my 8 week old child on the inside.

ps - loved the amperstache on the last post!

Fancy Schmancy said...

That prom pic is hysterical! You were avant-garde.

H said...

For the record I LOVE leg warmers...I just don't wear them with my suit on job interviews. Only at home wear I can pretend I am Alex from Flashdance.

"When you give up your dream, you die." - Flashdance

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Heh heh heh, you said "boobies."

Mel O said...

More girley posts please!
 
Lol!! This was absolutely fabulous daah-ling! My comment is three fold:
 
* McQueeniepants totally stole your look! How rude! I love that classic-uncomfortable-nervous-embrace... I thought that was only in MY old dance pictures!
* Legwarmers - sooooo not okay. Whose idea was this anyway? I just saw a very large variety of legwarmers at lé Target and was incredibly disappointed in the fashion industry (or at least the buyers at Target...oops I mean lé Target)
* I'm still laughing so hard I'm afraid I'll pee my pants over the whole "white pantyhose with dumpy looking skirt" thing
* I'm in LOVE with your designer fall outfit! Thank you for sharing!!

Mel O said...

shit. I guess that was four-fold!

tobacco brunette said...

Can't wait for your spring review!

Anonymous said...

OMG - "37 year old cat psychic on lithium"!! Do designers really think any of these would ever go mainstream?! Actually, I wish these "looks" would - it would be such inspiration to leave the house everyday!! However, it would require a heavy investment in incontinence pads; I'd be peeing myself in laughter all day long!!
Thanks again for the laughs Whiskey!! ~ Renata1967

Kim said...

The scary part is I told my best friend I was buying a helmet to wear to go shopping earlier today. Get out of my head, WhiskeyMarie!

pistols at dawn said...

I also think the Vikings' run defense is soft, like me around women.

Renaissance Woman said...

I think that your ready for the runway! Love the hat.

kirby said...

How am I going to find enough fur to update my wardrobe this year? Dang neighbors and their indoor cats.

Suze said...

Tell me Pooter wasn't hurt in the making of that hat?

Ed said...

What was Ivanka using the Spackle™ for? Hair mousse? (Uvula)

Moe Wanchuk said...

Can't you do a Bikini review? (10 Inch) If you model a bikini...I will too. (muscles) But you can't get mad at how voluptuous I am. (oprah)

Evil Genius said...

This is one of the best posts ever! I especially enjoyed "panties."

Betsy said...

You (or.. em... your cousin Ivanka) still manage to look gorgeous even in that horrible outfit! How do you do that?!

Courtney said...

Bows and helmets are so hot right now.

And I LOVE the 1988 pic. You are so kick ass.

Anonymous said...

I love your blog so much I want to marry it. Honestly.

Mommy Lisa said...

Oh Zee furlined helmet from Fleet Farm! I have one in basic black! :)

I totally forgot you did this last year! I LURVE it.

*Sitting in my cube and trying not to pee my pants lurve it*

DAMN why won't it get cold so I can wear a cool outfit like that?

Mommy!

McGone said...

Of all your multiple personalities, Ivanka Von Partypantskov may just be the sexiest. Comrade knows how to rock an ushanka!

nancypearlwannabe said...

I prefer your look to the fashion runway models. So much more approachable! I mean, who DOESN'T own a fur-lined hoodie cap and wedge Mary Janes?

surviving myself said...

Boobs!

Stacey said...

Dear Ivanka,

First, let me say you are a fashion goddess (fast cars)

Can you please tell me what's up with the peep toe boots. I'm not sure I'm getting it. Winter equal cold therefore my piggies need to be protected.(farts)
But in a weird sort of way I'm oddly drawn to them. (football)

What to do ?

Signed,
Stumped in Seattle

Iheartfashion said...

Your 1988 look was FAN-TASTIC, WM!
But as a 37-year old cat psychic on lithium I take offense at that cheapshot.
(kidding. I'm not 37.)

domboy said...

Lookin'good. I see now that all you need is a 'I-don't-give-a flying-monkey pout' to be able to pull off haught fashion.

Mad Woman said...

Is it sad that I'm not even a guy and all I got out of that post was panties boobies blow job blah blah blah football beer blah blah vagina?

I often wonder what these so called "fashion" designers are thinking. I don't think I have EVER seen anyone on the streets looking like that that isn't also toting a sign reading "will blow you for a buck or suck you for some blow".

Freida Bee, MD said...

I can't wait 'til next year when knickers will (once again) be all the rage.

Butrfly Garden said...

Love it. :D

MommasWorld said...

SOLD! Love that outfit and need it for my reunion. (top of parking deck party!) Ok so maybe I just want the hat. Love this!