Thursday, September 18, 2008
I hope this means I can start wearing my "Frankie say relax" t-shirt again!
*Warning- possibly/probably girly post ahead. For you testosterone-fueled readers, I shall intermittently throw in words you will understand- like boobies, panties, blow job, football and such. You're welcome.
Once again fall is upon us.
I'm sitting here- like so many women around the world- wondering what sort of fancy frocks I should spend my plasma donating money on in my never-ending quest to stay fashion-forward. (Panties)
I was perusing the fall collections, as I am wont to do, and found that once again they spoke directly to the deepest parts of my soul. (boobies) Normally I would just hitchhike to my local dollar store/Walgreens and see what sort of fashion gold I could hit. Did you know that Walgreens sells underwear? I believe they were at the forefront of the whole "Nylon Granny panty" fad last year. Fashion is where you find it, folks. Don't judge.
I thought I'd put a little more effort in this year and take some of the hot runway looks and adopt them as my own. I am nothing if not creative, and lord knows I have an image to maintain. I didn't get the title "most likely to recieve the Glamour 'don't' victim of the year award" by playing it safe, you know. (Blow job)
Color me surprised when I noticed that Alexander McQueen has stolen a look I created in 1988.
His "original" look:
I'd like to submit exhibit A for the jury. You will notice (football) that Ms. VonPartypants not only created this look, but she also took it, rocked it, and kicked it's ass for the Marshall High School 1988 Prom. I believe, that if you look closely, you will notice that Mr. McQueen also stole the "frizzy pube-like" hairstyle that Ms. VonPartypants had patented as her own. (beer):
I'm such a trendsetter. (vagina)
I am also starting a petition to stop the blatant disregard for common decency flagrantly shown by designers who continue to push leg warmers on the unsuspecting public. This is shameful and appalling, and I'm pretty sure if you wear them that it means you hate America. (hot pants)
Mr. Vuitton, just because you're a foreigner don't think we won't come after you, commie:
One trend I can really sink my teeth into is "clown chic", a look I picked up on from the Sass & Bide collection. Nothing says "37 year-old professional cat psychic on lithium" more than a fancy top hat, a sparkly harlequin pattern and shiny leggings. I love, love, love this look and can't wait to find a way to fuse it with last year's "deranged Mime" pieces that I'd like to wear for another season, being that I spent $26,574 on them:
I'm really into the whole "white pantyhose with dumpy looking skirt" thing from Nina Ricci here, but I'm worried about that poor model. Why is no one trying to save her from that sweater that seems to be trying to eat her head? (hand job) Kat, I'm thinking she looks a lot like you, so I'd like to see you try this look. I'll even loan you some white butler gloves and my metallic pumps that I bought at Bakers in 1991. (nachos):
I was just going to donate my metallic blue unitard to Goodwill, but it looks like I was jumping the gun. Thanks for saving me from that mistake, Betsey Johnson. Now, if I could only find my Sally Jessy Raphael glasses...
Here in MN it gets pretty darn cold, dont'cha know. (wide-reciever) Leave it to Chanel to make something that finally lets me be fashionable while still maintaining my inner creepy 4 year-old. You can never go wrong with an oddly-shaped hood and a shiny purple bow, I always say. I also say you can never go wrong with dipping your Cheetos in butter, but that's neither here nor there. (balls):
This hood thing seems to be sweeping the world, if by the "world" we mean "people who like hoods paired with suits". Balenciaga has never let me down with their particular brand of "what the fuck were they thinking", and this season is no exception. Think classic plaid suitwear meets 1986 footwear meets that kid on the short bus that needs to wear a helmet:
I've never been afraid to be avant garde or to take a risk (nipple). I decided to pull out some of my favorite aspects from what we've seen here to create, what I believe, is the quintessential Fall '08 ensemble. I took an oversized furry hat/helmet from the house of Fleet Farm, paired it with a fur-trimmed anorak from LeICantremember and a vintage old lady coat procured from the "garage Sale" collection. I paired those items with a kicky one of a kind plaid skirt, leg warmers handcrafted in China for the Gap 2001 sale collection, a silk bow scarf acquired from the estate of Gertrude Nermplantz of the Cleveland Nermplantz Dynasty, and a pair of sueded goatbuttskin platform pumps from Louis Oldnavy (all modeled by my Russian cousin, Ivanka Von Partypantskov) (tits):
Ivanka has modeled for all of the greats: JauCee Pennay, LeKmart, Wal DuMart, and Penthouse.
As Ivanka says, "Vat iz thees sheet ju are moking me vare? I vipe my azzhole vith thees crop. Ju are, how you say- em-bar-az-meent to all zat iz fason."
I don't have any idea what the hell she's talking about either, but she seemed to like the outfit so much that I gave it to her (well, that and she vomited vodka and caviar all over it). (touchdown!)
Dress carefully, my little fur-trimmed fashion disasters. Dress carefully.