Friday, September 26, 2008

And how did YOU spend your Friday morning?

So, I find myself with a bit of morning free time on my hands (a.k.a. time I should be catching up on work, cleaning, laundry, personal grooming and bettering myself through singing disco songs with my cats), so I says to myself, "Self, it's that time of year again, you know. Fall is upon us, and with Fall comes that blessed of all holidays. You know, the one where a savior was born in a barn in a remote area, and that savior went on to lead us all into a golden age of wisdom, self-fulfillment, compassion and dressing up in costumes on a weekday for fun."

"Oh yeah!" I said to myself (for some reason I was also saying this in Carol Channing's voice, but that's neither here nor there), "It's time for nachos!"

Sigh.

No, dummy.

It's time for me to once again help you plan for the blasphemous and satanic holiday known as Hallo-freaking-ween, folks.

Don't you know it, here we are again with Part one of this year's...

"Give me 20 minutes and I'll show you the world" Halloween costume ideas!!!!

Some of you know the rules- I will give you costume ideas based on two guidelines:
a) Must be completely assembled in 20 minutes or less.
b) Have to be made of things already in my house.

Last year had some doozies, but I think this year is off to a strong start.


First in line:

I have, at certain points in my life, been called a, displayed behavior becoming, and very loudly called others an Asshat.

Today I give you...

Asshat!


All you need is a pair of control-top pantyhose or a pair of those Spanx shorts thingies stuffed with an everyday throw pillow insert. Feel free to embellish with streamers of toilet paper and smears of chocolate, if you're going to that sort of party. It took me the full 20 minutes to engineer this thing on my noggin, so I was unable to gussy it up too much.

Next up-

As you all know (and are bored to tears by), I gave birth to two beautiful children this past year. The doctors seemed surprised when they were covered with black hair and seemed to have whiskers, but dammit- they're my babies, and I will love them and nurture them and teach them to hold their heads high when the other kids call them "pussies" at school.

These new additions to my life have influenced my costume choices this year, as you will see.

Imagine my surprise when, poof! Out of the blue, and in a cloud of smoke...

I was paid a visit by none other than:
Turderella, queen of the clumping cat-litter fairies!

Turderella travels the world scooping litter boxes, pulling out clumps that are sometimes bigger than your average Idaho potato, sometimes as small as a gummi bear. Her scooping abilities are the best in the world, she has no equal.

I killed two birds with one stone with this costume, as today is recycling day and I needed to break down the cardboard boxes anyways. The turd is a brown shirt wrapped around a crumpled paper bag with packing peanuts ("litter") as garnish.

Lastly (for today, anyways), I have recieved numerous requests from my male (and some of my female) readers to post pornographic photographs of myself.

Well, I'm no prude, as you well know by now. But, I do have at least the tiniest smidgen of class (It's buried underneath the blob of undigested marshmallows somewhere in my lower intestine, I think).

Fine.

I'll give it to you, but be warned- this is full-frontal, uncensored and totally going to get me in trouble with Blogger.

Don't say I don't give my all for y'all.

Here we go...
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.
.
.
.
I give you...
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Me, "NUDE"!


Here's the one I'm sending to Hustler with my application:

You're welcome. And um...no, those totally aren't underwear on my head. Nope.


Stay tuned for part 2 and possibly three. Now I have to go and be an upright citizen at work.

Happy Friday, my rhinestone-embellished, tights-wearing, clown-makeupped little whateverthehellyouares. Happy Friday.

XO

34 comments:

Anonymous said...

I love it that you're crazy. In such a fun way. Did the Mr. walk in this time and shake his head?

Have a great weekend WM......

Patti

Gwen said...

Jesus, girl! At first I thought you were on the Internets in your bra!

Highlarious as per usual. I may have to use the asshat idea. I never wear those squeezing-contraption-of-Satan spanx anyway, might as well get some use out of them.

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

The 'Asshat' is pricelss and your 'Hitler' bush is worth it's weight in gold.

Dr Zibbs said...

Excellent, Why don't you go as Gwen by just moving the left nipple a bit to the side? Also, I like the "trim"...do you know what I'm saying...."trim"?.......That's the patch region..you know what I'm sayin'...

WendyB said...

This is the highlight of my day.

metalia said...

Can't stop. giggling.

punchlinewalking said...

This is awesome. I knew exactly what the asshat was even before I read it. I may have my new halloween costume!

Christa said...

holy crap. you've outdone yourself.

diatribes and dish said...

don't take this the wrong way, but nude you disturbs me.

John said...

There are some people that I thank God have too much time on their hands.

: )

McGone said...

Wow.







Just... wow.

Jon said...

Wow, that's pretty much just how I picture you in my fantasies. No, not the "naked" picture, perv. The one where you're wearing a box of kitty litter. Awww yeah.

(Don't judge me.)

pistols at dawn said...

That is fantastic stuff, and if the small child inside me hadn't died before puberty, I too would still find ways to dress up and express joy.

kilax said...

I LOVE THIS POST!

Turderella is an awesome idea. Hmm...

Stacey said...

heh, and this is why I love you.

Are you taking requests ? Because I'd like to see :

1)A tampon
2)Half man/half woman
3)A tube of lube

It would be a tremendous help to me because I'm really entertaining being one of those things for Halloween. K,thx.

Mwah,

S

Moe Wanchuk said...

I'm repulsed and disgusted.
If you're going to show nude shots, can you at least turn around and act like you're tying your shoes?

Or be nude while playing Twister?

Fran said...

You are fucking killing me.

fucking.
killing.
me.

Fancy Schmancy said...

This would be where I actually roll over and die, because I could never be as awesome as you are... Listen to me wheezing out my dying breath. cough, cough, papa I think I've got the black lung, cough, cough.

Anonymous said...

Hehehehe!!!! OMG!! At first, I thought the asshat was a pair of balls with Elephantitus!! Yup, go ahead and look THAT ONE up for some good yucks!!
I hope you will find time for some more costumes!!
Thanks for laughs!!!!
~ Renata1967

Kim said...

Sweet Jesus.
If you weren't already my hero, this, THIS RIGHT HERE would've done it. At first I was all laughing and happy, then I got sad because you're not my friend in real life. I wish my friends were as awesome as you and I think I'm going to break up with all of them now.

Mel O said...

This is the funniest post I have seen in some time!! These are THE funniest, MOST creative costume ideas I have EVER seen!

You rock, Whiskey.

I can't get over the kitty litter costume - I am totally stealing your idea (and not just because Jon fantasizes about it... lol).

You seriously made my day.

Fancy Schmancy said...

Just out of curiosity, how do you decide which heels go with a kitty litter box dress and a turd on your head?

Suze said...

Best costumes yet!

Aunt Snow said...

Oh my god! You are hysterically funny!

I love the asshat! But the cat litter fairy is inspired!

Freida Bee, MD said...

I just hope you keep blogging when you're a big Hustler porn star. So many people quit. I just hope it doesn't happen to you.

Mauigirl said...

This is hilarious! FranIam sentme... I'll be back!

Turdarella, LOL! Hysterical.

nancypearlwannabe said...

Oh. My. Lord. The nude lipstick KILLED me.

Anonymous said...

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. I thought certain the "asshat" was a "dickhead."

TELP

Fran said...

I should note that TELP is indeed a friend of mine and that she must be here anonymously given her job.

Oh if only you knew Whiskey, if only you knew.

It is freaking me out that as I type this comment, I can see your "nude" self and the pubic patch is to my right.

Lollie said...

Things To Do Before I Die:

- Cruise Greece
- Buy White Jag For Mom
- See Peter Gabriel In Concert
- Walk The Great Wall Of China
- Celebrate Halloween With A Girl Named Whiskeymarie

Lollie said...

Things To Do Before I Die:

- Cruise Greece
- Buy White Jag For Mom
- See Peter Gabriel In Concert
- Walk The Great Wall Of China
- Celebrate Halloween With A Girl Named Whiskeymarie

dguzman said...

The lips in the last costume are freaking me out.

Stefanie said...

Does anyone else really, really want a guest post from Mr. Whiskeymarie, telling us just what it's like to live with you and your imagination? Personally, I would love to read that.

gorillabuns said...

I'd give you a widget/award for "the most inventive costume designer" but I don't know how to design these stupid things.

Consider yourself loved.