Thursday, September 4, 2008

You know? NO nose knows what I know.


I have allergies. BAD allergies.
Yes, here we are again.

Imaginary cockroaches crawling in your sinuses, scratching at your eyeballs like a meth head, worried your brain is leaking out of your nostrils bad allergies.

You know this, I've mentioned it before, it is not the least bit interesting. Feel free to stop reading now and go do something fun like clipping your dog's toenails, renewing your driver's license, or waxing your uncle Bruce's back.

But, since my life for the last week or so has revolved around predicting exactly when wet snot may fly out of my nose and land on your face whilst laughing or, you know...breathing, I thought I'd fill you in on a few things.

#1) All tissues are not created equal. Puffs brand sucks as they have more "dust" than Rue McClanahan's cooch. Kind of like Charmin tissue, they leave behind "particles"- only in your nostrils rather than your pubes. I find that Kleenex brand with lotion are the strongest, able to withstand seven or eight blows and being wadded up in my purse or pocket for eight hours in a single bound. The BEST EVER tissues, however, are those little designer packs that you buy at gift stores for $2 for ten. Seriously. You can blow 27 times in one and you will have not so much as a single breach of integrity in the tissue structure.

#2) Your non-allergic friends will find it gross that you keep wadded up, used, snotty tissues in your purse and/or pocket. These people have no understanding of how precious tissues are outside of your home. You have a limited quantity, and by golly you're going to make them last. Once you've been forced to blow your nose in newspaper or a t-shirt you've come to terms with the fact that you will now never, ever wear again, you get this.

#3) When your eyes are red and watery all of the time despite the prescription drops, people/coworkers/subordinates will inevitably think you are stoned. You will consider getting stoned since it won't matter anyways, but worry about the affect of the smoke on your already fucked up sinuses. Decide to start huffing paint instead.

#4) Only missionary while allergy ridden. ONLY missionary. Trust me and my knowledge of dripping snot. TRUST ME. No one on the planet loves you enough to pretend to be o.k. with your nose mucus on their face.

#5) Bats in the cave are inevitable. Keep a vigilant watch and a mirror handy always. Rule of thumb: Wiggly or whistly = visible boogs. Learn it, live it, obsess over it.

#6) Come to terms with the fact that you will never, ever have a chance to be cool. Any moment where you can look sleek, sexy and/or normal will be interrupted by sniffling, sneezing and the haunting honking that is unique to the Whiskeymarie blow. Even if you can control the oozing- the red, flaky, and oddly shiny nose will always trump your cute new heels. The random allergy zit on your nose will only add to the "wonder" that is you.

#7) Wadding tissues and/or tampons and stuffing them up your nostrils is never really an option. Even home alone while drowning her allergy sorrows in cheese and doritos, a girl needs her dignity, right? That girl has never, EVER done this, right? Right?

So...

Once again I offer this: a one-pound bag of peanut M&M's, a nice bundt cake, a fine sticker collection, two pairs of never worn (well, not technically worn) thong underwear and a song written expressly for you and sung by me for anyone willing to donate their sinuses. I'll even pay for the back-alley transplant.

Think about it, will you? Haiti is nice this time of year, or so I hear at my visits to the prison. They're willing to do medical procedures there CHEAP, no questions asked. I'm pretty sure morphine is like Advil there, and twice as cheap. I'll buy you cocktails and hookers, I promise. I'll make the STD worth your time.

It's time to prove your love, people.
And, we all know that the only true declaration of love is by donating valuable body tissue, so here's your big chance. The winning donor will enjoy a brief mention in one of my lesser posts, providing it's a slow news day.
You'll be a freaking hero.

XO

37 comments:

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Thanks a lot for bringing up painful memories from my childhood. My Uncle Bruce used to make me "wax his truck" when no one else was around. I had supressed those memories until just now, so thanks again.

180|360 said...

Ahhh... Whiskey! Even in suffering you make me laugh.

Anonymous said...

I think you should listen to "Rio" by Duran Duran a thousand times over. Plus "Tainted Love".... all
80's songs are like this are super theraputic. I am so glad you are surviving beautiful woman....
~ Renata1967

Mad Woman said...

Hmmmm you know I was all ready to send you an email saying I'd do it and then you mentioned Morphine. That's a deal breaker I'm afraid....horribly allergic. Nose mucus-y sex has nothing on the claw your skin off feeling that morphine can induce.

Have you considered a bubble? I hear they're the new condo!



Oh....I tagged you.

boredmando said...

I just moved back home with my 7 pets and my dust filled room and I have been dying too. I'd give you my sinuses, but I don't think they'd do you much better.

Dr Zibbs said...

My favorite tissue substitute was from this kid in high school that would ask for a piece of loose leaf paper - then he'd us it to blow his nose. I also saw him use a paper bag.

Nature Girl said...

I'd donate mine, but from what you describe, your allergies are mild in comparison and I'm quite sure you don't want to take that giant leap backward.

I hope you're feeling better soon. And I HATE those lotion filled tissues..they feel so slimy! ICK...I wish they made them that strong, but without the lotion!
Stacie

Gwen said...

You know I love you and would do anything for you, but I had my sinuses surgically roto-rooted a couple summers ago and there's no way in hell I'm ever letting anyone back into my head through my nose. I can breathe like a mo-fo now, though!

I hate those lotion kleenex. They make my face feel like the La Brea tar pits.

Kim said...

What about my Father-in-law Bruce? We spent last weekend at the beach with them and I noticed his back could use a good waxing but didn't know how to bring it up. (I swear his name is Bruce)
You don't want my sinuses either. When we first moved from FL here to SC, my nose got so jacked up, my husband thought I turned into a cokehead since I'd never had allergies before. I mean, that could happen, but it wasn't the case. And ever since they haven't been the same, so every spring and fall, it's the same snotfest and it lasts for at least a month.
Lastly, what's up with the whistlers and why can't you ever get rid of them?

Perfectly Shelly said...

Kleenex Ultra Soft/doux.....FAARRRR superior to Puffs. I so love you for realizing puffs are dusty.

You are like the 3rd blogger I've professed my love for this morning...I'm such a whore.

Have you ever run out of kleenex, or been without them close by when the torrents come and have to dig around the trash can or end table for the 'least used' one so you can actually blow? yeah, I have.

Or used one of the precious you DO have in your posession so much that you get kleenex flaking all over your face and clothing?

Have you ever washed your kleenex by leaving them in pockets? What a nightmare.

My Buster (dog) rummages through the bathroom, bedroom and living room trash cans and shreds my used kleenex..it's really nasty.

I'm right in allergy hell with you, sister. I TOTALLY 'get' it.

My favorite, though is the pretty cracks at the edge of my nostrils that never disappear....and the chapped uppper lip from the constant blowing and wiping....

I have the honk blow as well....although I try to be more ladylike at work, but I forget sometimes........it's embarassing.

poobomber said...

You can borrow my sinuses providing you don't try and snort coke with them.

And if you return them and they smell like girl for a week, I'll be very very upset.

Jon said...

I sure hope you're not allergic to being funny, because I don't see that clearing up anytime soon.

rcubed said...

I've read that allergies can be reduced or cured by cutting out wheat, dairy, and sugar from your diet.
Ha ha! I know! WHO would do that?

Thanks for the tissue review.

John said...

Haiti is the voodoo capital of the world, you know Whisk. You could probably get those drippy things fixed for like, 2 bucks, by a rather scary looking alternative medicine "physician." Then you can cowgirl away! : )

Whiskeymarie said...

Monkey- We'll discuss this in our session next week. By the way, your insurance didn't cover last week. You owe me $150.

180/360- I'm a sad clown like that.

renata- "Her name is Rio...honk. And she dances on the...sniffle."

madwoman- Vicodin? Percoset? I'm flexible.

boredmando- Oh you poor dear- I feel your pain. I find that cocktails help in situations like this.

zibbs- I have used a paper bag. Of this, I am not proud.

stacie- It's the thought that counts, dear. I'm not a fan of the lotion so much either, but man oh man they do help the whole "flake" factor.

gwen- Nobody likes a braggart, little Ms. Fancynostrils.

pseudokim- I had a whistler the other day, waaaay back in the nostril. I blew so hard my eyeballs rattled, to no avail.

perfectly shelly- Yes to all of the above. I dug out a nasty tissue from the trash the other day when I had a severe "leakage" situation. I am gross.

poo- Thanks for offering! I won't wear perfume while using your sinuses, but I can't guarantee that they won't smell like bacon or that I'll return them at all. I'm more of a "taker" than a "borrower".

jon- You're cheesy. I like that.

r cubed- You've been talking to the witch doctors again, haven't you? No thanks, I'll take my allergy cocktail of zyrtec, benadryl and Patanol over that any day.

Whiskeymarie said...

John- I ain't afraid of no stinkin' voodoo. But tell me more about this $2 physician anyways. Lord knows I like bargain health care.

John said...

Here's Dr. Feelgood. Two dollah. : )

kirby said...

Bats in the cave. Good one.

lizgwiz said...

You wouldn't want my sinuses. They're a mess. But I will ask if you've ever tried chlorpheniramine? (Generic Chlor-trimeton.) It dries my snot right up, without putting me in a coma like Benadryl does. Plus, it also works on snotty, allergy-ridden cats. (And yes, I have one of those.)

surviving myself said...

Uncle Bruce doesn't even let me wax his back anymore. He insists on me doing his "Monkey down there."

I don't like Uncle Bruce's monkey.

LittlePea said...

Wiggly or whistly = visible boogs.

Ok I got it. It's written down. I'll not forget.

Stacey said...

The fact that you even managed to do "it" whilst suffering like you are, well that is nothing short of amazing.

Idea #527 said...

Ummm. . .I'd give you mine, but I too have horrible allergies. And I sneeze like 10 times in a row. Okay that's a lie. 7 times in a row.

In my sophomore year 8am chemistry class, my teacher said that if I sneezed 10 times in a row she would bring us in donuts. Guess who got donuts for the class??

Amaya said...

Shh, don't tell but I found getting high to actually help clear up my sinuses during allergy season. But you didn't hear that from me.

Dot said...

I have horrible allergies and I'm in the midst of allergy shots so I feel your pain. Get a "special" chapstick for your nose (like plain, a flovor you will never mistake to use on yer lips.. trust me on this, it really works to rid of the red flaky nose!
and teh specialty tissues are called "sniff" available for purchase at cost plus world market.

gorillabuns said...

You can't have my sinuses because they've been messed up since conception. I do have to say, I'm in DEEP LOVE with Puffs with Vicks. I will sit and smell them for hours but then again, I love the smell of Sharpies too.

Fancy Schmancy said...

I'll take your sinuses, and raise you one with a "tamponaid" as it was known when they shoved that eight inch sucker up my left nostril last fall when my sinuses hadn't stopped bleeding for 3 days. The "tamponaid" has an air chamber in the middle, which they pumped up and taped to my cheek. Next time just let monkeys ass rape me and call it a day. Or is that being to graphic?

Mommy Lisa said...

God I HATE charmin, and puffs too. They are terrible, but nothing compared to getting the stupid Kleenex with the darn anti-bacterial shit on it.

It always ends up on my lips and it tastes gawd-awful!!!

diatribes and dish said...

Hey! You know, I bet Rue McLanahan's cooch IS dusty. I mean, I'm sure when Golden Girls was prime time she was getting all the tail she could nail, but now that it's in syndication on Lifetime, I'm sure the well's dried up. As has her vadge, I'm sure. Whatever. Take a sudafed.

Moe Wanchuk said...

Uh Whiskey....Us guys don't use tissues for our "nose"

Shamelessly Sassy said...

Ugh. I am with you. I have ridiculous allergies.

Mariposa said...

I can so relate with you! hope you're better now...

Flenker said...

I've come to the realization that I will never be cool, even in non-allergy attack days. It's a liberating day when that happens, when you just don't give a fuck (pardon my language).

I never had seasonal allergies until about 5 years ago, and they've been getting slightly worse every year. Great. It doesn't help that the KC area is supposedly one of the worst places in the country in the allergen department.

nancypearlwannabe said...

Wow, I never equated my allergies with cockroaches in my sinuses. That just took the snotfest to a whole new level of disgusting!

Courtney said...

Snot rockets for distance? Anyone? Next Olympic sport? London 2012?

pistols at dawn said...

I'd donate, but all my body tissues are filled with Jameson. I may have a problem.

Winter said...

You don't want mine.... I could sneeze on you to prove it come Spring time..