So, I find myself with a bit of morning free time on my hands (a.k.a. time I should be catching up on work, cleaning, laundry, personal grooming and bettering myself through singing disco songs with my cats), so I says to myself, "Self, it's that time of year again, you know. Fall is upon us, and with Fall comes that blessed of all holidays. You know, the one where a savior was born in a barn in a remote area, and that savior went on to lead us all into a golden age of wisdom, self-fulfillment, compassion and dressing up in costumes on a weekday for fun."
"Oh yeah!" I said to myself (for some reason I was also saying this in Carol Channing's voice, but that's neither here nor there), "It's time for nachos!"
It's time for me to once again help you plan for the blasphemous and satanic holiday known as Hallo-freaking-ween, folks.
Don't you know it, here we are again with Part one of this year's...
"Give me 20 minutes and I'll show you the world" Halloween costume ideas!!!!
Some of you know the rules- I will give you costume ideas based on two guidelines:
a) Must be completely assembled in 20 minutes or less.
b) Have to be made of things already in my house.
Last year had some doozies, but I think this year is off to a strong start.
First in line:
I have, at certain points in my life, been called a, displayed behavior becoming, and very loudly called others an Asshat.
Today I give you...
All you need is a pair of control-top pantyhose or a pair of those Spanx shorts thingies stuffed with an everyday throw pillow insert. Feel free to embellish with streamers of toilet paper and smears of chocolate, if you're going to that sort of party. It took me the full 20 minutes to engineer this thing on my noggin, so I was unable to gussy it up too much.
As you all know (and are bored to tears by), I gave birth to two beautiful children this past year. The doctors seemed surprised when they were covered with black hair and seemed to have whiskers, but dammit- they're my babies, and I will love them and nurture them and teach them to hold their heads high when the other kids call them "pussies" at school.
These new additions to my life have influenced my costume choices this year, as you will see.
Imagine my surprise when, poof! Out of the blue, and in a cloud of smoke...
I was paid a visit by none other than:
Turderella, queen of the clumping cat-litter fairies!
Turderella travels the world scooping litter boxes, pulling out clumps that are sometimes bigger than your average Idaho potato, sometimes as small as a gummi bear. Her scooping abilities are the best in the world, she has no equal.
I killed two birds with one stone with this costume, as today is recycling day and I needed to break down the cardboard boxes anyways. The turd is a brown shirt wrapped around a crumpled paper bag with packing peanuts ("litter") as garnish.
Lastly (for today, anyways), I have recieved numerous requests from my male (and some of my female) readers to post pornographic photographs of myself.
Well, I'm no prude, as you well know by now. But, I do have at least the tiniest smidgen of class (It's buried underneath the blob of undigested marshmallows somewhere in my lower intestine, I think).
I'll give it to you, but be warned- this is full-frontal, uncensored and totally going to get me in trouble with Blogger.
Don't say I don't give my all for y'all.
Here we go...
I give you...
Here's the one I'm sending to Hustler with my application:
You're welcome. And um...no, those totally aren't underwear on my head. Nope.
Stay tuned for part 2 and possibly three. Now I have to go and be an upright citizen at work.
Happy Friday, my rhinestone-embellished, tights-wearing, clown-makeupped little whateverthehellyouares. Happy Friday.