I believe in owning up to your shit. Do something wrong, screw someone over, get busted participating in general douchebaggery...
So, lacking any other inspiration, I will give you my third installment of apologies from yours truly in my never-ending quest to right my self karmically with the world. Part one. Part two.
(Picture me being really, really sincere here, if your imagination allows.)
* To the student in my building walking in front of me the other day:
I was laughing to myself at you, and yes- you totally busted me. To my credit, though, when you wear high-heeled sandals, socks, a time-worn and too-small "Juicy"-esque sweatsuit and a leather bomber-style jacket with Betty boop appliqués all over it...well, I have to say me laughing was more than a little involuntary. But still, I was rude. Sorry.
* To the slightly "hefty" dude in elementary school who couldn't sit down EVER without about 2 inches of butt crack showing:
I'm sorry I marginally participated in throwing food (peas) into your butt crack at lunch that one time. I was young and foolish and figured if the mean kids were focusing on you that they might ignore my freakish height and premature boobage for one day. Sorry you had squishy peas in your pants the rest of the day.
*To central High School, Duluth MN:
Sorry we stole all of those room signs that one time. We were at a "Math Team" event, and as we sucked at math, we were bored out of our skulls and needed entertainment of some sort. As sort of a double/triple apology: Sorry to our high school "Math Team" coach. I know you only asked us to join because you needed girls on the team and we were the smartest girls in the class, but we really didn't care how we did and were really in it just for the cookies and McDonald's orange punch. And, sorry to my gal Waffle for that time I waited until you walked to the front of the cafeteria during that one "Math Meet" to get a cookie to yell, "Hey there fat girl- put down that cookie!" You weren't fat, we never thought you were and certainly didn't think you thought you were, we just thought it was funny to torture you. Sorry. Thank you for still being my friend, Waffle. And, I'm kind of sorry I still love to torture you.
*To you all:
Sorry you now know I was on "Math Team".
*To anyone who saw me in that one dance performance in college:
Sorry you had to see me in a full-on, shiny, royal blue unitard. You see, I was supposed to be "water". Get it? At the time I thought the performance was "cool", yet now I see it was simply "lame". Sorry we both had to see that.
*To recently-married J:
Sorry I threw up white russians in your car that one time years ago. Lucky for you, most of it got on my coat, but I know a fair chunk of the mess ended up in your back seat. And, sorry to whoever got that car after J, because that car was a garbage barge and I'm pretty sure J never cleaned the puke out before he sold it.
*To Scandia, my boyfriend in 1989-91:
Sorry I cheated on you. Repeatedly. To my credit, you did move away for a bit. I'm really sorry for that one time where you paid me a "surprise visit" on a Sunday morning (you still had a key) and as you were walking up the front stairs, I was hustling that other dude down the back.
And the one time when I went to Canada with my girlfriends? Well, let's just say I saw my first uncircumcised ding-dong that weekend. And that guy friend of mine that I was really friendly with all the time? I think the term "Fuck buddy" sums that one up. And, right before I broke up with you? Yeah. That would have been Gustav. If it makes you feel better, Gustav totally cheated on me. Karma kind of bit me on the ass for that one. Sorry I was such a whore. Kind of.
*And finally for today, To the Fingerhut Catalog:
I'm sorry that my most recent catalog has to be my last due to my never having ordered anything. I just find that I don't need things like an elephant wall shelf or a "family of deer" lawn ornament set. I understand why you're upset. Maybe someday, when I no longer am in total control of my bowels and embroidered sweatshirts and stretch pants are my outfit of choice, maybe them we can start some sort of relationship. Until then, however, I'm sorry we must part ways.
Thank you for indulging me.