Thursday, March 13, 2008

People just ain't no good: third time's the charm.

I believe in owning up to your shit. Do something wrong, screw someone over, get busted participating in general douchebaggery...
own it.

So, lacking any other inspiration, I will give you my third installment of apologies from yours truly in my never-ending quest to right my self karmically with the world. Part one. Part two.

(Picture me being really, really sincere here, if your imagination allows.)


* To the student in my building walking in front of me the other day:
I was laughing to myself at you, and yes- you totally busted me. To my credit, though, when you wear high-heeled sandals, socks, a time-worn and too-small "Juicy"-esque sweatsuit and a leather bomber-style jacket with Betty boop appliqu├ęs all over it...well, I have to say me laughing was more than a little involuntary. But still, I was rude. Sorry.



* To the slightly "hefty" dude in elementary school who couldn't sit down EVER without about 2 inches of butt crack showing:
I'm sorry I marginally participated in throwing food (peas) into your butt crack at lunch that one time. I was young and foolish and figured if the mean kids were focusing on you that they might ignore my freakish height and premature boobage for one day. Sorry you had squishy peas in your pants the rest of the day.
Really sorry.




*To central High School, Duluth MN:
Sorry we stole all of those room signs that one time. We were at a "Math Team" event, and as we sucked at math, we were bored out of our skulls and needed entertainment of some sort. As sort of a double/triple apology: Sorry to our high school "Math Team" coach. I know you only asked us to join because you needed girls on the team and we were the smartest girls in the class, but we really didn't care how we did and were really in it just for the cookies and McDonald's orange punch. And, sorry to my gal Waffle for that time I waited until you walked to the front of the cafeteria during that one "Math Meet" to get a cookie to yell, "Hey there fat girl- put down that cookie!" You weren't fat, we never thought you were and certainly didn't think you thought you were, we just thought it was funny to torture you. Sorry. Thank you for still being my friend, Waffle. And, I'm kind of sorry I still love to torture you.


*To you all:
Sorry you now know I was on "Math Team".


*To anyone who saw me in that one dance performance in college:
Sorry you had to see me in a full-on, shiny, royal blue unitard. You see, I was supposed to be "water". Get it? At the time I thought the performance was "cool", yet now I see it was simply "lame". Sorry we both had to see that.


*To recently-married J:
Sorry I threw up white russians in your car that one time years ago. Lucky for you, most of it got on my coat, but I know a fair chunk of the mess ended up in your back seat. And, sorry to whoever got that car after J, because that car was a garbage barge and I'm pretty sure J never cleaned the puke out before he sold it.


*To Scandia, my boyfriend in 1989-91:
Sorry I cheated on you. Repeatedly. To my credit, you did move away for a bit. I'm really sorry for that one time where you paid me a "surprise visit" on a Sunday morning (you still had a key) and as you were walking up the front stairs, I was hustling that other dude down the back.
And the one time when I went to Canada with my girlfriends? Well, let's just say I saw my first uncircumcised ding-dong that weekend. And that guy friend of mine that I was really friendly with all the time? I think the term "Fuck buddy" sums that one up. And, right before I broke up with you? Yeah. That would have been Gustav. If it makes you feel better, Gustav totally cheated on me. Karma kind of bit me on the ass for that one. Sorry I was such a whore. Kind of.


*And finally for today, To the Fingerhut Catalog:
I'm sorry that my most recent catalog has to be my last due to my never having ordered anything. I just find that I don't need things like an elephant wall shelf or a "family of deer" lawn ornament set. I understand why you're upset. Maybe someday, when I no longer am in total control of my bowels and embroidered sweatshirts and stretch pants are my outfit of choice, maybe them we can start some sort of relationship. Until then, however, I'm sorry we must part ways.


Thank you for indulging me.
XO

33 comments:

wafelenbak said...

I don't think we should have to apologize for anything pre-college. Especially those of us who were on any sort of academic-related bowl or team...we were just trying to get by. ;)

CDP said...

Tee hee--embroidered sweatshirts and stretch pants (accompanied by thick-soled, blinding white mallwalkers)...you must know my grandmother, who is also a devoted patron of the Fingerhut catalog!

I too had my worst drink experience ever as a result of overconsumption of White Russians. The fact that the gallon of milk that the bartender started with ran out and he had to send someone out to 7-11 to buy more should have clued us all in to the fact that we'd had enough. It didn't. I don't mix alcohol and milk to this day, and that was a LOOOONG time ago.

Lollie said...

Why is it that the words ding dong make me giggle like a four-year-old every time I hear it? Chuckled so hard it turned into a coughing fit. Thanks.

3carnations said...

Is this a place to apologize? I want to apologize to that girl in 7th grade I used to make fun of for having greasy hair. Teasing her made me more powerful, because the cool kids wanted nothing to do with me, but at least I (thought I) was cooler than her. Maybe her family couldn't afford soap. She was never mean to me. I should have reached out to her. Instead I teased her to the point that her sister, who was in high school, met me outside the school one day and told me she would kick my a$$ if I didn't stop teasing her sister. So I stopped. I wish I had never done it in the first place. We all had our miseries in school...I didn't need to create them for someone else.

T said...

Man! I didn't know there even still was a Fingerhut catalog.

I was on Math Team, too. Very briefly.

viciousrumours said...

If I were to apologize to everyone I may or may not have done something mean and/or offensive to over the last 37 years? Yeah....I don't think I'd even know where to start. I do know that I, too, would have to apologize to Fingerhut for never having ordered the set of ten steak knives or the lovely black sateen comforter with matching pillow cases.

NotSoccer Mom said...

i will bet you a blue unitard that you DO get another fingerhut catalog. those people do NOT GO AWAY quietly.

diatribes and dish said...

Not math team for me, but mock trial. Waaaaay cooler.

Winter said...

I refuse to say I'm sorry about anything that happened before 2002.

Amaya said...

What is it with those blue unitards? I had to wear one too. Someone upstairs thinks he has a sense of humor, I suppose.

Perfectly Shelly said...

Ok I apologize for making a fool of myself via e-mail today at work.

Stacey said...

Did you just say "ding -dong".

Ha and Ha. That was rather funny.

Hey its never too late to apologize. Matter of fact I'm sure I owe some people some apology love too *sigh*

Stefanie said...

Peas? In his pants? Oh, I feel terrible for that kid, and yet I'm laughing all the same.

Ghost Dansing said...

sorry for being off topic.... grievious angel

Nature Girl said...

oh dont' worry about that Fingerhut catalog...they send you that "last catalog" at least 13 times before they actually stop sending them....

Stacie

feisty said...

Uhm, Proctor High School Math Team Co-Captain here (due to affirmative action)....from 1993-1994.

whoa- did we COMPETE against each other?

LittlePea said...

Omigosh I feel like a 12 year old giggling like a jackass right now.

At least you were on a team. I'm a team reject. I tried out for the 6th grade quiz team and didn't make it. I'm such a loser.

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

This post had far too many big chunks of unsued space in it. You owe us all an apology Miss Gigantic Feet.

punchlinewalking said...

I'm not sure what I'm laughing more at right now- the image of you scooting some guy down the back stairs, or the word "fingerhut".

Iheartfashion said...

WM, your blog consistently makes me laugh out loud.
I too, receive the Fingerhut catalog, despite never having ordered anything, but that lawn ornament set is giving me second thoughts. Too bad I don't have a lawn. What does "fingerhut" mean, anyway?

Jakki said...

Thank you Thank you Thank you for my first real laugh in dayz....and boy was it a good one.

lizgwiz said...

You know, now that I think about it, I haven't received a Fingerhut catalog in years. Wonder what I did to piss them off? Maybe they DO eventually go away.

Awww...you made a boy "pea" his pants. That's terrible. And I'm terrible for giggling about it.

dguzman said...

Oh dear Whiskey, believe me: Fingerhut will stalk you until you're in diapers again. And don't worry--they'll still be selling that plastic bib thing so you can cut your own hair and catch the clippings in the bib.

Just sayin'.

Lara said...

This was hilarious. Damn, I wouldn't even know where to begin withmy own apology list.

metalia said...

Personally, Fingerhut's slogan has always driven me crazy. "Now You Can" they say. Now you can WHAT, Fingerhut? NOW YOU CAN WHAAAAT?

bellethellama said...

I have not heard of this "Fingerhut" catalog...but it seems very much like my beloved SkyMall catalog, available via airlines and Amtrak. Though I have no idea why, I can amuse myself for an hour or so looking at all of the useless crap they sell, such as Sumo-wrestler coffee tables and Spa-In-A-Boxes.

Grant Miller said...

I always suspected you in these crimes.

Nocturnal said...

That's just youth WM, shit happens; simple as that.

Cheers

Katrin said...

Awww... but those deer look really cute! And they never age. ;)

Gretta said...

OH! Freakish height and premature boobage! I'm still waiting for those!

Landis said...

i'm ripping this post off.

just givin you a "heads up" so i don't have to apologize later. . .

pistols at dawn said...

Ah, everybody cheats on Scandia. That's his thing - making you seek out other things.

Stacy said...

ACF Knowledge Bowl here. I even have a knife that's got my name on it, the year we competed and the skool name. I have no excuse, I was even 30 yrs old at the time (old enough to know better). I think that's enough to dorkify me in your math-team eyes.