Tuesday, February 26, 2008
One thin wafer...
Suze reminded me that it is that glorious time of year again. That special time when wandering gangs of rogue 'tween girls accost every stranger in a 20-mile radius and shame them into buying 47 boxes of mass-produced cookies at $14/box.
God, how I love those expensive little nuggets of mass-produced goodness. But, oddly enough, I never am approached to buy them anymore. I guess they must have gotten the memo about the '"cocktail party for cookies" that I hosted with the local troop a while back.
Oh, whoops. I almost forgot about the restraining order. Sorry. When you have as many of those things as I do you tend to lose track. Usually my secretary keeps me on top of those things.
So, as I won't actually be partaking of the gluttony this year, I thought I'd take a moment to suggest a few new varieties of cookies for next year, maybe. Sure, the thin mints are delicious, and the coconut ones make me quiver a little inside in that "special way" that only chocolate and coconut can, but c'mon. Humor me.
#1) Swinealongs - a buttery shortbread round topped with caramelized bacon, drizzled with chocolate and sprinkled with sugar coated bacon bits. Remarkably, trans-fat free. Really, everything is better with bacon.
#2) Thin Thinnies - Low-cal and aspartame-sweetened crispy wafers sprinkled with saccharin granules and dipped in delicious spring water. Only 2.5 calories a piece! Eat up!
#3) Whiskey Jingles - For Mom & Dad only! Whiskey-soaked cake rounds topped with whiskey nougat drizzled with whiskey ganache and topped with crunchy whiskey nuggets. Would come with coupons for $3/off a bottle of Jameson and a free 7-day supply of Vicodin.
#4) Wasabi Tassies - For an entry into the International market- this would feature a rice cracker, topped with wasabi cream and pickled eel. The entire cookie is then dipped in guava jelly and sprinkled with powdered monkey testicles. This cookie is rumored to both promote virility and cause hallucinations.
#5) Prunella Fiberbottoms - For the "older" demographic, this little gem is a gastrointestinal marvel! Oat bran and flax seed wafers topped with a luscious prune whip, sprinkled with wheat bran and dipped in Exess-lax brand chocolate coating. 47 grams of fiber in each one! Eat up! But don't leave the house any time soon! And watch for cramping!
#6) Atkinsettes - Splenda- candied beef jerkey rounds with a layer of butter and lard sandwiched between them. Zero carbs, 650 calories a piece.
#7) Sugar Sweetfoils - This one really appeals to the 4-8 age range, for whatever reason. Rock sugar wafers dipped in caramel with a layer of buttercream icing topped with a marshmallow, then dipped again in chocolate, then rolled in powdered sugar, drizzled with more caramel and topped with pop rocks. Each one comes with a pixie stick and wax lips.
As a former girl scout (and yes, I have the badges to prove it) I just think you need a little more variety in your offerings. Take some time, think about it and get back to me when you've made your decision.
I will be waiting by the phone.
Posted by Whiskeymarie at 11:00 AM
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I'm in on the Whiskey Jingles. Especially for the seven day supply of vicodin. YOu know how I feel about vicodin.
I'm thinking they should also make Chardonnay Creams next year.
A thin wafer type cracker with a creamy chardonnay center. I will order them by the truckload.
When you send them your memo can you please include my suggestion too.
I'll take 75 boxes of the Whiskey Jingles, and a couple of the Sugar Sweetfoils.
Why have we yet to see any pictures of Girl Scout Whiskey? Were they all destroyed in that "mystery fire" of '87?
I've got a great mom, she buys the cookies for me. It's amazing. Plus, she gave me some pity Valentine's Day cookies.
Package those Sugar Sweetfoils with a candy necklace, candy cigarettes, a pocketful of gold-foil-wrapped chocolate coins and a big shiny candy lollipop ring and I'd buy a lifetime supply.
Hahaha...I'd go for Whiskey Jingles too! LOL
I hate a bandwagon, but I'll put in an order of Whiskey Jingles too. I was a (male) girl guide once (English version of girl scouts) thanks to my mother being part of "the Guides". Those camping trips are still some of the best experiences of my life.
The patches maybe, but did you have the Troop Crest? The Patrol leader's cord? The From Dreams to Reality Award???
Swinealongs sound pretty tempting, but I will trade my soul for a box of Samoas.
My teeth hurt just thinking about that last one.
I'd like ten boxes of the Thin Thinnies. At only 2.5 calories and infused with saccharin, I can eat five boxes in one sitting. Should I just post my credit card information here in the comment section? Let me know :)
Mmmmm, Sugar Sweetfoils. My one sugar-sensitive molar started to hurt when I read the description, but I'd order them anyway.
Did someone say bacon? Send some swinealongs my way please. Thanks for making me laugh.
I'm a big fan of powdered monkey testicles so count me in for a few boxes of Wasabi Tassies. If there's any left by now.
I was a Camp Fire Girl. The mortal enemy of the Girl Scouts. We sold candy...not cookies. Turtles, and mint patties. Take THAT cookie mongers!! (except, I'm totally in with the whiskey jingles.....just don't tell my Camp Fire Girl leader).
Them cookies is some good eatin'.
I once ordered Whiskey Jingles and got Prunella Fiberbottoms by mistake. I stayed home one Friday night, eating mac-n-cheese out of the pan and what I THOUGHT was a whole box of Whiskey Jingles. Ai caramba.
Those damn girl scout sugar cookies are the death of me. Every time one of them shows up, I buy a box and then tell the kid to beat it knowing I'll pay for it with running or some bullshit like that.
I'll live dangerously, sign me up for Wasabi Tassies WM. AMEX accepted?
I could so go for a swinealong right now.
I'll take 3 dozen boxes of the whiskey jingles please...do you take PayPal? Damn...they never had those when I was a girlscout...and yes, I too have the badges to prove it! ;)
How soon can I expect those cookies on my doorstep?
Yeah, I got roped into buying 7 boxes... I'm such a sucker for those cookies.
I'll take some of the Wasabi's and soem of the Sugar Sweetfoils.
Weird- this was really mouthwatering.
Loved the recipies!
We already had our cookie drive here. Next you will see us sitting at tables bugging the begeebies out of you on your way into your local shopping centers.
Now a days the girl scouts looke like any kid off the street. No uniforms. I bought a full uniform for Snow White just because I couldn't deal with the No Uniforms issue. Hey, at least they wear the vests...sometimes.
So, if some random girl walks up and tries to sell you cookies..she may not be wearing a uniform but it is very likely she is a GS.
I'll take a box of Atkinsettes for my husband and some Whiskey Jingles for me. Actually, hold the Jingles and just send the Vicodin.
as a former boyscout, i will be obstaining as i am still recovering from the "boywich" debacle of '83.
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