Tuesday, February 26, 2008
One thin wafer...
Suze reminded me that it is that glorious time of year again. That special time when wandering gangs of rogue 'tween girls accost every stranger in a 20-mile radius and shame them into buying 47 boxes of mass-produced cookies at $14/box.
God, how I love those expensive little nuggets of mass-produced goodness. But, oddly enough, I never am approached to buy them anymore. I guess they must have gotten the memo about the '"cocktail party for cookies" that I hosted with the local troop a while back.
Oh, whoops. I almost forgot about the restraining order. Sorry. When you have as many of those things as I do you tend to lose track. Usually my secretary keeps me on top of those things.
So, as I won't actually be partaking of the gluttony this year, I thought I'd take a moment to suggest a few new varieties of cookies for next year, maybe. Sure, the thin mints are delicious, and the coconut ones make me quiver a little inside in that "special way" that only chocolate and coconut can, but c'mon. Humor me.
#1) Swinealongs - a buttery shortbread round topped with caramelized bacon, drizzled with chocolate and sprinkled with sugar coated bacon bits. Remarkably, trans-fat free. Really, everything is better with bacon.
#2) Thin Thinnies - Low-cal and aspartame-sweetened crispy wafers sprinkled with saccharin granules and dipped in delicious spring water. Only 2.5 calories a piece! Eat up!
#3) Whiskey Jingles - For Mom & Dad only! Whiskey-soaked cake rounds topped with whiskey nougat drizzled with whiskey ganache and topped with crunchy whiskey nuggets. Would come with coupons for $3/off a bottle of Jameson and a free 7-day supply of Vicodin.
#4) Wasabi Tassies - For an entry into the International market- this would feature a rice cracker, topped with wasabi cream and pickled eel. The entire cookie is then dipped in guava jelly and sprinkled with powdered monkey testicles. This cookie is rumored to both promote virility and cause hallucinations.
#5) Prunella Fiberbottoms - For the "older" demographic, this little gem is a gastrointestinal marvel! Oat bran and flax seed wafers topped with a luscious prune whip, sprinkled with wheat bran and dipped in Exess-lax brand chocolate coating. 47 grams of fiber in each one! Eat up! But don't leave the house any time soon! And watch for cramping!
#6) Atkinsettes - Splenda- candied beef jerkey rounds with a layer of butter and lard sandwiched between them. Zero carbs, 650 calories a piece.
#7) Sugar Sweetfoils - This one really appeals to the 4-8 age range, for whatever reason. Rock sugar wafers dipped in caramel with a layer of buttercream icing topped with a marshmallow, then dipped again in chocolate, then rolled in powdered sugar, drizzled with more caramel and topped with pop rocks. Each one comes with a pixie stick and wax lips.
As a former girl scout (and yes, I have the badges to prove it) I just think you need a little more variety in your offerings. Take some time, think about it and get back to me when you've made your decision.
I will be waiting by the phone.