Wednesday, February 20, 2008

The chronicles of Hairnia. Or, alternatively- The curling iron, the bitch and the bad wardrobe.

Sure, it all starts out innocently enough. You have cute, naturally wavy strawberry blonde hair, rosy cheeks and a stunning patchwork jumper in that yellow/brown combo that all the kids are so keen on these days.
The world is your freaking oyster. You totally rule Ms. Mattson's kindergarten class. No one else cuts and glues construction paper with such precision and finesse. And unlike that one odd little girl in your class that seems to perpetually have her finger in her nose- you don't even like the taste of glue.

Then one day- you need a haircut, and Mom is too busy to take you so she sends you along with Dad to the Lumberjack mall in Cloquet, MN. Dad seems to be very busy as well (he mumbled something about some place called a "liquor store"), so he drops you off with some cash and instructions to "just tell them how you want it". This is an awesome responsibility for a 6 year-old- a responsibility you take proudly. "I won't let you down, Dad!"

Unfortunately, saying "I want it reeeeal short!" to the girls at Regis Salon means you look like this for a few months:

(Yeah- that butterfly stick pin really pulls the whole look together, I think. And you can't tell- but this thing I'm wearing? Yup- it's a jumpsuit. I seemed to really like the comfort and ease of one-piece dressing as a youth.)

Flash forward about 6 years...

Family portrait time!

Who doesn't love posing with Mom, Dad and the siblings in order to capture that one special moment that says "Hey! We're a family and we love having our picture taken together, dammit!"
Though, this particular picture seems to be saying, "Hey! I just discovered curling irons and ABC after-school specials! Let's go roller skating this weekend- I need a chance to wear my new rainbow shirt! I can't wait to start menstruating!"


A few more years...

Now you're cool. Oh. Yeah.

You have an Aqua Net budget at this stage of your life, as you seem to be going through a can of it a week. This single item constitutes roughly 25% of your weekly allowance. Following in a close second is blue nail polish and Little Debbie Nutty Bars.
You rebelled against the big-haired rocker girls in my school by becoming...
An even bigger-haired new-waver wannabe!

Hey man- Frankie say "Relax!"
Yes- this is a "Dance Naked" t-shirt. Yes, those are checkerboard walls and curtains.



Then there was the unfortunate incident wherein the pubic hair of a 70's porn star took your head hostage. Your family couldn't come up with the ransom money for about a year, so you learned to just smile through your pain.



Once Bushwana VonPuberstein got her money and went on her merry way, your options were finally open! Now you could finally let the real "you" out.

Turns out, the "real you" was Grace Jones' younger albino sister.



Oh! Hey- remember that time you joined the Blind Miniature Golfer's tour? You all sure were fun to watch, but the 9-hour rounds were a bit...much.
That was nice how you sculpted such a lovely hair helmet to protect yourself from stray balls. Cute shoes though. Very "Mary Jane goes Goth."



I loved when we all did that whole "Urban Pirate" thing.
Arrrgggghhh.
Remember how you had all sorts of ruffly shirts in different colors? Remember how you ALWAYS wore them with leggings or jeans that were ALWAYS tucked into your knee-high black suede boots from Baker's? Remember how this was the night you made out with the cute neighbor who looked like young, skinny Elvis while your boyfriend was in the next room? Remember?
Good times, matey.


Then remember how you finally said "fuck it" and just cut it all off one day? And dyed it almost black? And kept it that way for years?
It was too bad that whenever you didn't wear makeup and had jeans and a baggy shirt on that people called you "sir" or "dude" or "what are you- some sort of man-hating lesbian?"

To which you would reply: "Yes, yes I am. The fact that, you sir, are wearing "dad jeans", dirty old Reebok hi-tops, an "I'm too sexy for this shirt" t-shirt and one gold hoop earring have nothing whatsoever to do with my disinterest in you sexually. Obviously I must be gay."

Though you do kind of look like you're oogling your friend's boobies here, truth be told.



Well, I hate to tell you, but I think it's time for a new 'do.

Time to go back to your "roots", if you will.

Time to get back to your salad days.

Time for "keepin' it real."

Time to get back into the wild experimentation and total disregard for actually looking attractive of your youth.

Here is my suggestion, just take a few days and consider it:




45 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hmmmm, exactly how many Robitussin Cocktail's have you had??

The new doo has the Statue of Liberty look to it. Only you can pull that off!

Glad you're feeling better!

Patti

Whiskeymarie said...

I should state for the record that the last pic is from a few weeks ago.
Right now I look like Rudolph the sick, haggard, tired and achy red-nosed reindeer.
And, (I can't believe I'm saying this) I am in no shape for wine right now.

Now, a robitussin cocktail, maybe...

McGone said...

Regarding picture #2, I didn't realize you were Bobby Brady when you were younger.

That was cruel. As an apology, I must confess that I probably would have pined for the Hair-Helmet/Goth Whiskeymarie back in the day.

And now, I'm inexplicably hungry and nostalgic for Nutty Bars. Why do I always leave this blog hungry? (Aside from the gravy reference yesterday)

Kate said...

Damn! We had the same shorty-short hairstylist, I think. I will prove with pictorial evidence soon.

Ny the way, could you have been any cuter as a 5 year-old?

Ghost Dansing said...

crush with eyeliner

Yeah, she's a sad tomato
She's three miles of bad road
She's her own invention (she's her own invention)
That gets me in the throat
What can I make myself be?
Life is strange, yeah (life is strange)
What can I make myself be? (fake her)
To make her mine?

I am smitten
I'll do anything (I'll do anything)
A kiss breath turpentine.....

Suze said...

In the one picture you look like Wynona Rider - before the shoplifting incident. I do like the newest style - although I think you might want to go a tad darker than the white. Just saying.

Inarticulate Fumblings said...

Brilliant. Your Regis salon picture couldn't help but remind me of my "half an hour before school pictures dammit we didn't get your hair cut oh come here I'll do it BUT THOSE ARE THE SCISSORS YOU CUT PIZZA WITH don't back talk we don't have time" picture in second grade.

I felt like one of those dogs that get shaved and hides under the sofa for three weeks.

H said...

I like the new 'do! You can pull it off. Also, I hope if I ever have a little girl she looks like you did. (Minus the patchwork jumper. =)) Adorable!

wafelenbak said...

Lady, I am with you from the patchwork jumper (had one!) and little curls (had them!) to the gothy 90's haircut and finally, the liberated pixy chick 'do in college. (had them both)
Good times. :)

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Oh sweet batter dipped baby jeebus how I love these "Whiskey, the early years" picture posts. You were totally rockin' that white girl Grace Jones hair do, but my favorite was the Mary Jane goes goth. Hubba hubba.

Joe said...

I feel that you should--nay, you MUST--make the decision to rock the Jan Brady-style White Girl Fro.

It is...your destiny.

abbersnail said...

Whatevs. You are always gawgeous.

carrster said...

You are far braver than I am....

I was at Stitch-n-Bitch tonight and we were talking of past hair disasters...I believe i mentioned the "skater-chick-do" and the "dorothy hamil" (and the first skater refers to skate BOARDERS not figure skaters). Ay yi yi....DORK CENTRAL.

EmBee said...

Put a giant bonnet on your head and you'd be dead ringer for Holly Hobbie in that first pic.

Isn't it a travesty to lose those sweet little baby teeth and have them replaced with what I like to call 'The BIG Uglies' before the rest of your face nay, body can catch up.

As for that family pic... The faces our different but we took the same EXACT photo when I was in high school and damn if my sister and I weren't wearing button down blouses with accent ribbon tied in a loose bow to complete the ensemble... And we Californian's thought we were so fashion forward... Who knew Minnesotans were ripping off our style sense.

By the way, BRAVO to you for hanging on to all these pictures. Lord knows what happened to the 6 or 8 family photos my family took while we were growing up.

Landis said...

oh darling. i think i had all those styles. when i HAD HAIR.

my only options now are . . . well "unfortunate comb-over" "painful doll head plugs" or "obvious merkin" spring to mind.

Nocturnal said...

I think you definitely had the Molly Ringwald action going on back in the day. That said, the golf pic look fucking rocked; the shades and she shoes man.

Cheers

Flenker said...

My hair history nearly as embarrassing. Now I just go on about 1 hair cut a year, so I'll go from pretty long to really short. It all looks good on me now, though. Just like your new 'do, I'm sure it'll look like the money

3carnations said...

Please don't beat me up for saying this, but the 6 year old short haircut one...At first I thought that was someone else. Like a boy. Then the pin...I didn't think it was a butterfly - I thought it was a dog bone. Like a little boy who's really into dogs. In retrospect, knowing it's actually a photo of you...It looks very cute.

I actually have a school picture where my hair is so short and unfeminine that I look like a boy, too. I'm even wearing a sweatshirt. Unfortunately, I was 12 at the time. Can't imagine why the boys weren't into me in junior high...

Bill Hipps said...

Looks like a workers comp claim just waiting to happen...it worked for triceratops though.

T said...

I actually think the Urban Pirate thing is kind of cute!

Nature Girl said...

You ROCK! Yeah, I know, I've said it before, but seriously...I don't think I can say it enough. You seriously ROCK! I think that pic of you with the really short hair, the red jumpsuit and the butterfly stick pin...I honest to god had to look twice I thought it was me! I had the EXACT same haircut and stick pin, but my jumpsuit was blue and had a train embroidered on the "bib"

How 'bout leg warmers and those sweaters with the really puffy sleeves from the elbow to the shoulder but skin tight sleeves from elbow to mid forearm? and the one giant hoop earring with a key dangling and the tiny ball stud in the other ear. Oh those WERE the days eh?

Jess Wundrun said...

Not only did my mother make me the identical jumper to yours, we had the same hairdo in like, six of those nine photos. Yikes.

The one side shavy head thing was a classic! (My highschool soccer coach used to tape my hair with athletic tape so it wouldn't get in my eyes. One could not use a barrette w/the total punk'd shavy head thing!)

L Sass said...

Wow, this post truly was Hair Through the Ages: An American Retrospective.

I was a bit younger during your aquanet heyday. My mom was concerned about the amount of hairspray her fifth grader was using to achieve perfect Mall Bangs, so guess what she did? She permed them! Good times.

lizgwiz said...

Oh, how I love seeing photographic evidence of other people's fashion mistak...I mean, choices.

And I thought it was a dog bone on your lapel at first, too. Hee.

CDP said...

I thought Winona Ryder, too, at the playground shot. Awesome, you have once again outdone yourself

Stacey said...

Damn, I thought you were going to let us vote on the new do.

I would have said it's time for WhiskeyMarie cornrows ,

Fo, sho (I can't resiste saying that everywhere all the time...I know I'm a geek)

So yeah...can you work on that for me please. I think the cornrows would accentuate your face so nicely. Then you might want to add some pale blue eyeshadow for good measure. Oh and don't forget the frosty pink lipstick.

HAWT!

Anonymous said...

just be glad you didn't get really stoned in the 10th grade and decide to cut your own hair...it turned out like sinead o'connor...only it was 1982 and pre sinead o'connor...I guess I did the antithesis of mall hair....funnily I worked at the mall...thanks for your post...you bring lots of humor to my noon time break...

Katrin said...

I love old pictures, now you got me all sentimental about getting my old pictures out or at least to Vienna. I thought you looked really cute with the golf-ball-protection helmet. A little like the young Winona Ryder. :) :) :)

LaLa said...

I love the history-in-pictures.

You are BRAVE. I have some godawful 'dos in my past. Thankfully no photos survive of the haircut that looked like a fez. Well. Not the second one anyway.

Jon said...

Your hair should totally start its own blog, since it's by far the awesomest thing I've ever seen.

Nice work, WM.

Gretta said...

Oh my God you're brave. You managed to get the Boy Haircut in place of the Dorothy Hamill, but it was close enough. I cried for days with the Dorothy.

I LOVE your little pixie cut, and the Mary Janes. Bring that look back (although your current look is adorable - no need to change).

Iheartfashion said...

Hahahahahahah...a photographic history through hair. I had a jumpsuit with a stick pin too, and equally embarrassing hairdos, but curly. I had a giant 'fro in high school.

Fran said...

Holy f*cking crap sister...

It was the holy grail of blogging. I laughed, I cried, I cringed.

Sheee-ite.

Somebody buy this girl another drink.

Porn star pubic hair? You outdid yourself with just that one line.

feisty said...

i gotta star this post and share with others. its too funny not to share.

i think you were channeling winona ryder with the "mary jane gone goth" thing. and i liked that.

PS you and I had twin 6-year-old buck teeth

gorillabuns said...

I love a girl who likes change and change you did! in spades!

I think you should totally try out the soccer mom do' with a massive and delirious flip.

Gwen said...

Oh, NOW I'm inspired. I'll be right back; I've got some pictures to go through and some scanning to do.

BTW, I love the shame-a-thon thing that started a couple weeks ago after I posted my passport photo. Since neither of us seems to have any pride and relish showing off the worst of ourselves, this could get really ugly. I'm in if you are.

dguzman said...

Holy whiskers, WM. You slay me. I too had a thing for jumpsuits, starting with my solid-white astronaut costume jumpsuit (worn year-round, featuring "NASA" and "A-OK" on the breast pockets), then to my blue-denim/gold-cordoroy patchwork jumpsuit in junior high (ubercool, I know) which I sported with my darken-automatically big teardrop-shaped plastic-rim glasses, to the Dickies coverall things from high school. And I wondered why people asked me if I was a lesbian or something. (Sadly, at the time I had no idea what a lesbian was. Now I iz one!)

Butrfly Garden said...

Is that a MULLET???

I like the white, though.

I agree that you look like Winona Ryder in the golf pic.

As funny as it all looks now - when we know how ridiculous it is to wear pirate clothes or clothes with bibs - you were one cool chick growing up. Very stylish and edgy. I'm jealous.

If I can find it, I'll share my 2nd grade "Amy Looks Like a Boy" picture.

domboy said...

Hey, I know you, I remember now. Didn’t we take photos together in a graveyard and think we were being really alternative? Didn’t you give me a mixed tape of really cool British singers? I still remember the smell of your hairspray – it was so intoxicating.

minijonb said...

nice pix! i always forget what day is "Post a Picture of Yourself in High School Day" so i'll have to check the calendar.

Lollie said...

Seriously couldn't decide whether I liked the Wynonna Mary Jane Hair or the Lesbionic Boob Ogler Hair the best. You change dos like I change earrings! I love it!

Winter said...

So pretty, don't change a thing.

But if you do, I'll do it too, I need a change, and I'll post pictures...

But only if you do it too..or first...whatever...

Flea said...

Good lord, woman. You had all the cool hairstyles, while I stood on the sidelines, thick auburn curls, jealous streak a mile wide. Looking back though ...

Distributorcap said...

hair today, gone tomorrow.....

ps said...

you look beautiful in that mini-golf photo. xoxo.