Monday, July 13, 2009

Just like herpes or my crazy cousin Tammie, these things never go away.

Most of you know that this is where memes go to die. When one is sent my way, I let it in the door as any good hostess would and serve it a nice dinner with a moderately-priced wine from Trader Joe's. We chat, it pretends to laugh at my jokes, we maybe get a little tipsy and accidentally make out for a bit.
But once I'm through with them I slip them a roofie, cut them into little pieces with a serrated knife, then hide the pieces in the freezer to use in various stews and soups throughout the winter months.
Mmmm...tastes "meme-y".

But, that being said, it's been about 143 days (give or take 143 days) since I did the last one, and since I got tagged not once, but TWICE in the last week, I think I'm going to go ahead and do them. I'm pretty sure the FBI has moved on to other things by now anyways.

The first one comes from boredmando, up in the mystical land that I like to call "Canadia". Mando has agreed to give me asylum should I ever need to flee to another country, contingent on my completing this meme.

I post no rules, I tag no one- lord knows after I'm done with it no one else is going to want to touch it anyways.

I am to list 5 obsessions and 5 dislikes. As I spend about 13 hours each day obsessing about everything from the condition of my toes to if I should have tacos and a snickers for lunch, and I dislike all SORTS of stuff, this should be easy.

5 Obsessions:
  • Food. This is an obvious one, but as it is my vocation I pretty much think about food 25-30% of every day. What to cook? How should I cook it? Does this smell funny to you? Why does this taste like burning? I cook at home, I teach cooking, I read cookbooks, I read cooking magazines, I watch cooking TV, I read books about food/cooking, and I spend most of my time in the kitchen, sometimes even while wearing pants. How I don't weigh 450 pounds is beyond me. I like to think the wine flushes the bad stuff out.
  • Moisturizing. I have, without fail, put lotion on my face at least twice a day, every single day, since I was 16. Every. Day. In the winter I sometimes do it 4-5 times a day. I cannot STAND when my skin feels dry. I have bottles of lotion in almost every room of the house as I need to rub it into my hands probably 239 times a day. This is also why I never get anything else done, but my skin looks great.
  • What other people eat/wear/do with their houses. I swear, if all of you only wrote on your blogs what you ate and wore the day before, I would never, ever get sick of reading it. I love seeing how other people live. This is also why I love going for a walk at dusk, when people haven't closed their shades yet, so I can see what the inside of their houses look like. Hey, it's not peeping if I'm just walking by and the window is open anyways, right? And it's not my fault that you like to walk around wearing nothing but too-small Superman underpants and thigh-high stockings in your living room three times a week and every other Sunday. I can't help what I see on my (totally random, I swear!) walks.
  • Facebook. Gah. I can't believe that I'm admitting that. I'm such a cliche, but I can't stop. Send help. And cookies. And good whiskey- it goes well with cookies.
  • Obsessing.
5 Dislikes:
  • Talking on the phone. Hate it. HATE it. I think I used up my "loves talking on the phone" minutes back in high school. Now? I ignore the necessary evil as if it were covered in mushrooms and other people's pubic hair. On the off chance I answer, it means I'm probably drunk or Clive Owen is finally getting back to me about that whole "having hot, sweaty sex with me" thing.
  • Guys in skinny jeans. Ick, ick, ick. I know I'm going to catch flak for this one, but I don't give a shit. Unless you're 14-19 years old, gay, or both- stop. Please, just stop. You look retarded.
  • Schmoozing. Every time I'm forced to do some work-related, schmooze-required event or find myself in an outside-of-work situation that forces me to "talk shop" and "network" with people I don't or barely know, I die a little inside. Which isn't to say I'm not any good at it, I'm OK, I just hate it with every cell in my body. Usually I play a little game, where I see how long I can make it before the torture makes me say something inappropriate or incoherent. I give myself 10 points if I do it in front of more than one person, 5 if I do it with something stuck in my teeth, and 8 if it involves accidentally insulting someone. I think I'm up to about 5,379 points so far. If I reach 10,000 I'm buying myself a discount Chinese baby girl as a reward. I hear they're "in" this year.
  • Over-analyzing stuff. I like to look at a situation, quickly assess it, then make a decision and stick to it. This works out at LEAST 50% of the time, so I see no reason to bother with things like "research" and "not jumping to conclusions" or "putting more than an ounce of thought into that sexual reassignment surgery". I stand by my decisions, dammit.
  • Most action movies, shrimp and shellfish, the taste of most toothpastes, shallow/phony people, warm chocolate chip cookies, overly hot summers, having to work, overcooked meat or eggs, dusting, lawn care, long fingernails, people who don't use their blinkers, people who chew with their mouths open, and finally (for now)- Cinnamon Toast crunch Cereal.
Whew. That felt good. Not "found a $100-dollar bill" good, but at the very least "found what was stinking up the fridge" good.

That's probably enough meme goodness for today/now. Stay tuned for part two, where I list my five favorite parts of my lady bits (here's a hint- #3 rhymes with "bovary"), tell you the top ten ways I like to perform unsavory personal hygiene acts in public (the "wipe and swipe" move is particularly impressive), or the last 7 books about surgical procedures from the 1600s that I've read ("Ye Olde Guide to Amputations using Ye Olde Hammers" was very engaging).

Happy Monday, my bullet-pointed lists of pubic hair goodness. Happy Monday.



T said...

CTC is my FAVORITE cereal. Ever. You're just WRONG, there.

i am playing outside said...

ok, so I've agreed with every word you've said between my birth and 2 minutes ago, but i draw the line at you being anti-warm chocolate chip cookies. MY GOD.

l'ananas said...

thank you for making me realize why i am more inclined to jog in the evening during the winter! i love looking into people's houses and it isn't the same april-october! so, i'll jog again in october. perfect. thank you! you're awesome.

Perfectly Shelly said...

Hey..I write about what I eat ALL THE TIME!!!

Oh, comment often on those....OOPSIE (says blushing)

I am a failure at facebook. Seeing as you were one of my first 'friends', and I hardly ever communicate via that method, it's quite obvious.

Um...I rely on your food therefore I need the following:

A generic curry recipe that most people will like. Nothing wild and crazy to freak my family out. to USE FRESH MINT without getting a medicinal taste.

oh, heck...I'll blog my drinky experience.......maybe you can help.


SkylersDad said...

When I was an adolescent, I used to "moisturize" several times a day. I wasn't really concerned about my skin though...

I am with you on so many of these, especially the "team building" crap my employers have forced on me through the years. I remember standing in a circle throwing a ball of string at each other, nay, a FUCKING BALL OF STRING at each other as we introduced ourselves.

I let it hit me square in the chest then fall on the floor, and said Hi, I'm Chris, and I'm not good at motor control.

Miss Awesome said...

Dear Whiskey Marie,

I would like to be your facebook friend. Because I'm obsessed too.

-Miss Awesome

P.S. I'm not a fan of anyone in skinny jeans.

Miss Awesome said...

Really should read:

"...because I'm obsessed too and I have a feeling your status updates are probably kick-ass."

Lollie said...

Holy Hell - when we met, I'm so glad you stopped with getting a little tipsy and accidentally making out with me! How lucky was I that we completely avoided the roofie and the serrated knife bit?

CDP said...

You are one of the few people I know who shares my dislike of warm chocolate chip cookies. I like cookie dough, and I like the cookies after they're baked and thoroughly cooled (and preferably crispy, not chewy), but I can't stand warm, gooey cookies.

Stefanie said...

I don't understand the warm chocolate chip cookie thing and I am definitely prone to overanalyzing damn near EVERYTHING, but other than that, I am with you on a good portion of both of those lists.

3carnations said...

I also hate talking on the phone. I spent hours on the phone in high school and I spend plenty of time on the phone at work. I'd just as soon email someone if I have something to say to them now. If I HAVE to call someone, I sure don't want to make a bunch of small talk. :-)

Kim said...

AGREE ON ALMOST EVERYTHING!!! Everybody always treats me like I'm retarded for not liking warm, gooey (nasty) cookies; now I can feel validated, knowing someone awesome feels the same way.
The only thing on the list that kind of surprised me was the shrimp/shellfish thing. Though almost everyone I've ever met who's from the midwestern area doesn't like sea food. It's understandable.

Whiskeymarie said...

d&d- Thank you for agreeing on this. God I hate those pants.

Maurey- Sorry- I've HATED it from day one- waaayyy too sweet. It's easily in my top three most hated cereals.

iapo- I thought that when we became internet BFFs that we agreed to take the good with the bad, kind of like when you get married. Does this mean you want a divorce? If that's the case, I want half.

l'ananas- Glad I'm not the only peeper! Er...I mean casual glancer! Yeah, that's what I meant.

PShelly- I'll try and remember to come up with a recipe for you- I rarely use them, but I'll come up with something. I do love me some curry.

SkylersDad- As usual, you made me giggle. I keep reading the line, "Hi, I'm Chris, and I'm not good at motor control." and laugh all over again. You so funny.

Miss A- Done and done. Hi, Friend!

Lol- Don't worry- I only do that to memes and enemies.

CDP- I knew I'd find allies here. Warm cookies seriously gross me out.

Stefanie- You? Analyzing? Really?
I wish I were more analytical, but my squirrel-addled brain just doesn't work that way...

3Carn- I thank the Universe every day for e-mail. I would have to move to a deserted island otherwise, such is my hatred of the phone.

Kim- I've TRIED to like shellfish & shrimp, but no go. I'll eat every kind of fish under the sun, and I'll eat the crustaceans & bivalves in social settings, if needed, but I cannot force myself to like them. The smell of shrimp alone makes me feel all icky inside.

John said...

I would call you about how much I hate memes except that would require BOTH OF US talking on the phone. And schmoozing, while I'm wearing tight pants and obsessing over why you don't like Rambo: First Blood. All things considered, I think it would be a complete debacle, really.

Mommy Lisa said...

•Most action movies, shrimp and shellfish, the taste of most toothpastes, shallow/phony people, warm chocolate chip cookies, overly hot summers, having to work, overcooked meat or eggs, dusting, lawn care, long fingernails, people who don't use their blinkers, people who chew with their mouths open, and finally (for now)- Cinnamon Toast crunch Cereal.

Ugh. I agree wtih all of that! except the Cinnamon Toast Crunch. You lost me there.

I find the reason I hate networking events is because most people are phony and if I have not known you for many years, well, I probably do not like you.

Not being mean, but I have to know someone for years, or have a good bonding experience, to ACTUALLY like them.

Most people I could live without.

sad, I know.

i am playing outside said...

if you took half of what i've got, i think that would actually involve you giving me some things :| lol

dguzman said...

I don't understand why I no longer like talking on the phone--like you, I must've used those minutes up in junior high and high school. Now, despite my hatred of technology, I LOVE texting because you don't have to have a conversation--you just text the pertinent info and poof! you're outta there.


Steph said...

Guys in skinny jeans make me want to hurl. Particularly Ashlee Simpson's beau. Ewww.

180|360 said...

You're too funny, mama!

Have you ever tried natural toothpastes? I like Jason's Sea-Fresh which is made of algae. I know that sounds gross but it has a nice, natural flavor. Kiss My Face has a good whitening one, too. Whenever I use conventional toothpastes, I feel like I brushing my teeth with Soft Scrub. Blech.

domboy said...

It’s too true, I love looking in people’s windows – a woman cooking, or a tired old man sitting, staring out the window, whatever … it transfixes me.
For action movies though … I won’t watch anything that doesn’t have a car chase.

Chris said...

I find drinking to excess helps with the schmoozing. And the phone thing, come to think of it.

Stephanie said... are like the other half of my brain...

you complete me.

(cheesy, yes...but I am laughing, on the inside - where it counts!)

great blog, thing I am gonna pull a chair up and stay a while.

Organic Meatbag said...

Damn! And I just squeezed into these size 26 acid washed boot cut jeans for nothing??! Sorry, male camel toe...not today, my friend... *sigh*