A rare but genuine and heartfelt apology to my wife.
Dear Gwen: I'm sorry I told everybody that you eat babies. It was a bold-faced lie meant to besmirch your good name. Plus it's totally ridiculous- I mean, it's not like there is a baby farm somewhere, letting babies graze freely and plumping them up for the day that Gwen could eat them up, nom nom nom. Please don't divorce me, Sugartits. If you can see it in your heart to take me back, I totally won't start rumors about you for at least a week. I love you, baby.