Thursday, July 23, 2009

I'm really not smarter than a fifth-grader, it seems.


I am horrified, laughing so hard I snort, and marginally impressed/embarrassed that I have lived exactly 38 years on this earth thinking that New York City, being Eastern Standard Time, is not TWO hours ahead of little ol' me here in MN, Central Time like I had convinced myself of, but it is only ONE hour. Um...duh. ALL my life I had believed this to be the case. ALL my life I have thought this. Sadly, I am not lying.

Being that I forget what day it is and did I remember to put deodorant on with astounding regularity, this shouldn't be that big of a surprise, but taking into account that I'm THIRTY EIGHT FREAKING YEARS OLD AND STILL MARGINALLY SMRT THANK-YOU VERY MUCH, even I'm a little shocked. The world as I knew it has changed. New Yorkers are no longer ringing in the new year two hours ahead of everyone else in that smug way they do (kidding!), but instead they are one step closer to being...

...Midwestern. In my eyes anyways. The horror!

I was informed tonight, by the Mr. that I have been horribly, horribly wrong in my old ways of thinking. After he stopped laughing and wondering if he should get some sort of tax break for marrying me, he looked at me like, "really? You REALLY didn't know?"
The look on my laughing, teary, snorting face pretty much answered that.

How did I find out, you ask? What shattered all of my previously held illusions?

The Fashion Show. On fucking Bravo TV.

Ugh.

When the winner was finally announced (yay, Anna! My choice won! Woo!) at 10:00 PM my time, and (I think) the show was live, I mentioned to the Mr. how nerve-racking it must have been for the finalists to have to wait until midnight to find out who won.

He looked at me with that smug look of superiority that husbands get when they get to actually be the winner/weiner for once, and he says, "What time exactly do you think it is there?"

Me: "Um...midnight?"

Him: (rolls eyes) "They're only an hour ahead, you know. Remember- Eastern, Central, Mountain and Pacific time? Remember? CAN'T YOU REMEMBER SHIT FROM ELEMENTARY SCHOOL, DUMMY? CAN YOU ADD? HOW ABOUT CURSIVE WRITING, LITTLE MISS SHORT BUS????"

OK, I may have embellished a bit there.

So, yeah. I am freely admitting here and now that I, Whiskeymarie VonPartypants- smrt girl extrordinaire, monkey whisperer and underpants savant- I did not know the complexities and subtle nuances of the US time zone map. Is there some sort of support group for this? I'm all confused inside and my no-no parts feel funny...

I might be out for a while as it appears I am being sent to "Multiplication Tables Summer Camp."

Wish me luck- I'm going to try and make a crocheted penis warmer at craft time, and I'm hoping to lead the sing-along in a rousing round of "Erotic City."

Happy Thursday/Friday my little confused nuggets of not right in the head. Happy T/F.

XO

31 comments:

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Here's some other stuff you may need to know, fire is hot and I gave you a blogging award because I lurve you.

God said...

New York City is the center of the universe once again! And now you're one little mental bit closer to its glory!

Just kidding, NYC sucks. Boooo. Cleveland is the center of the universe, so what time is Cleveland in relation to you now, Mrs. Smartypants?

Perfectly Shelly said...

EROTIC CITY!!! Oh, how I loved that song. It was so NAUGHTY!!

Now-a-days, my teenagers listen to all sorts of trash that makes Erotic City seem like a camp song...so sing away........your camp leaders won't even know that you are being naughty compared to what the younguns listen to today.

wafelenbak said...

It's okay, I still think Minnesota is an hour behind me here in Chicago. I am actually quite glad you posted this map because I never really know who exactly is in Mountain Time. And Hawaii? Forget about it, I just assume it's yesterday there.

dguzman said...

I just always remember hearing "10 Eastern, 9 Central time" on all the TV show commercials etc. when I lived in Texas. Of course, now I'm moving to Calif next week, and my whole world is going to be years behind you and eons behind NYC! I don't know how I'll handle it, other than to wear my time-travel suit.

diatribes and dish said...

This might really throw you for a loop, but did you realize that a small part of Oregon and a small part of Florida are just 1 hour apart? I know, right? Crazy!

Idea #527 said...

OMG!! That's hilarious! Don't worry though. My friend lived in Seattle for like 3 years and always thought she was just an hour behind. Then I informed her that she's actually 2 hours behind me.

Idea #527 said...

Also, she always wondered why she woke me up sometimes. :)

Oh and Dean got confused watching our HBO shows on Sunday because they kept saying Entourage was on at 10:30pm and he's like "We have to wait until 10:30 now?!?" And I said "Umm, that's 10:30 Eastern time." And he said "Well I was going to say why did they change the time?!?"

3carnations said...

My dad lives in NY state. I lived in Indianapolis for 8 months, where they don't do daylight savings, so half the year they're eastern, half the time central. This confused my dad to no end, so after I moved to Michigan (eastern), he asked EVERY TIME I TALKED TO HIM for three years what time it is here. Finally I had to say "It's ALWAYS the same time as you."

Gwen said...

Poor Whiskeygirl, she's stupid.

Also, assuming I'm reading it right, I think you still have it wrong in your first paragraph. Then again, maybe we're blog married because we're both stupid.

Dr Zibbs said...

Did you know England is not a State?

Nope. It's a country.

Organic Meatbag said...

I can't wait to see your post around Daylight Savings time, because that is royally going to fuck with your head... and uhmmmm....do the penis warmers come in blue? And when I say "come", I mean as in manufactured...not...whatever... are you familiar with Zulu time?

SkylersDad said...

Don't get me started on Time Zones!! I live in the Mountain time Zone, blue on your map. This is the land that time forgot, we don't matter to anybody. Listen to any tease of a show on TV, "Blah will be on at 9:00 Eastern, 8:00 Central, and will be shown at whatever delayed time on the West Coast".

We never get a mention! I guess they think we are still too busy fighting off injuns to watch TV...

Fancy Schmancy said...

I live in CT, my sister lives in AZ. AZ doesn't follow daylight savings time, so six months of the year they're 2 hours behind us, and six months of the year they're 3 hours behind. I Can Never Remember Which One is Which. I'm not stupid, AZ is!

LegalMist said...

Fancy, I resent that! Arizona is *not* stupid!! We simply do not need daylight savings time. Save daylight? In Arizona? Where it is sunny 355 days per year? And `115 degrees for a good number of those days?! We have *enough* daylight, thank you very much, and do not need to "save" it to get more of it!

Just because the rest of you choose to waste time resetting your clocks twice a year doesn't mean we have to engage in that foolishness!

But I will admit it is sometimes hard to remember how many hours ahead of us you "East-coasters" are.

Word verification: messe (messy?)

Ryan said...

I've found that not knowing what time zone I live in completely negates the reason for knowing anyone else's time zone...

But that's just how we roll around here.

BTW, you have a super blog.

Melissavina said...

Okay, I haven't watched the finale of The Fashion Show yet, and yes, you ruined it for me. I'm fine with it, really. I'm not sure I would have stuck it out even on West Coast time. And for the record, I didn't learn US geography until after college when I tried to fill out a kid's menu at a restaurant and realized I couldn't do it. Skipping around the country in grade school left a few important details out of my education (I totally skipped geography, fractions, and US presidents.) Eep.

John said...

Well, judging by the graphic in your post, it appears that you have bragging rights to the BIGGEST time zone, which is really the important thing here. If anyone makes fun of you for not knowing what time it is in Rhode Island, just tell them that Big Green could kick little yellow RI's ass with your hour hand tied behind your back! Don't piss off Alaska though. It looks small, but Alaska is BIG, and could probably give you a beatdown.

BallerinaToes said...

Holy crap...wasn't The Fashion Show" just so bad? But I had to keep watching and was so glad Anna won. And I'm SMART! SMRT! I mean SMART. lol....Homer.

Gloriana Beausoleil said...

Aw, heck, yer on vakashun. Ya don needa know nuthin. --burp-- --scratch-- --yawn--

Yer perfect, jus like me.

GloriB.

JennyMac said...

Hysterical. I will absolutely join the sing a long...crocheted penis warmers though...dealer out. LOL.

Anonymous said...

Geez, you're so hard on yourself girly!! It's just a time zone. So what - your smarts are clearly abundant with the written word; very apparent within this blog for sure. Ya win some, and ya lose some at the mere age of 38....You is not a dumby!!
~ Renata1967

Stefanie said...

If it makes you feel any better, you are not alone. A depressingly large part of my job is to take phone calls from people who are similarly baffled about time zones. The difference is, they don't seem the least bit embarrassed about it. I always think television should have cleared this up years ago. (Haven't you heard, since childhood, announcers saying things like, "Thursday at 9, 8 Central"?) Apparently that is not the case.

So don't be so hard on yourself. Plenty of people make the same mistake somehow. Still, I'm glad you've now mastered this one. :-)

domboy said...

Coming from the male side of a husband/wife team/conflict, I must say: damn right woman ... beautiful retribution, one chalk mark on our side, one bludgeon to the enemy/loved one - good for him for pointing it out, he’s right, of course, as usual/occasionally.

i am playing outside said...

Little Miss Short Bus? nah...

at the very least, you qualify as Lady Short Bus the third.

WM said...

Dear Whiskey,

I am disappointed at this discovery. I only "hung out" with you because I was hoping some of your smarts would rub off on me.
I guess that blows that all to hell.

Thanks for that.

Xo,
Me

Suze said...

Wait a minute...Minnesota is a state. You're freakin' kidding me. When did that happen?

Aunt Snow said...

What's even more confusing is those parts of Indiana that don't observe daylight savings time in summer, so they're different during half of the year.

SonjaB said...

I just found you and I have to say I love your blog already. Just to make youfeel better, I just discovered at 40 years old that you can drive from PA to NY. I always though PA was much farther west then it actually is.

Courtney said...

Well, considering the fact that I thought the city of Boston existed on Lake Michigan, I can't really judge you. Although I think I have California public schools to blame - because I asked around - and I have a girlfriend (a native Californian like me) and she ALSO thought Boston was on Lake Michigan. So there's that. I have no idea what your excuse is...

Weeping Sore said...

every blog post should use bullets. Much more efficient, plus also conveys the appearance of organization even if topics are wildly inconsistent.