But once I'm through with them I slip them a roofie, cut them into little pieces with a serrated knife, then hide the pieces in the freezer to use in various stews and soups throughout the winter months.
But, that being said, it's been about 143 days (give or take 143 days) since I did the last one, and since I got tagged not once, but TWICE in the last week, I think I'm going to go ahead and do them. I'm pretty sure the FBI has moved on to other things by now anyways.
The first one comes from boredmando, up in the mystical land that I like to call "Canadia". Mando has agreed to give me asylum should I ever need to flee to another country, contingent on my completing this meme.
I post no rules, I tag no one- lord knows after I'm done with it no one else is going to want to touch it anyways.
I am to list 5 obsessions and 5 dislikes. As I spend about 13 hours each day obsessing about everything from the condition of my toes to if I should have tacos and a snickers for lunch, and I dislike all SORTS of stuff, this should be easy.
- Food. This is an obvious one, but as it is my vocation I pretty much think about food 25-30% of every day. What to cook? How should I cook it? Does this smell funny to you? Why does this taste like burning? I cook at home, I teach cooking, I read cookbooks, I read cooking magazines, I watch cooking TV, I read books about food/cooking, and I spend most of my time in the kitchen, sometimes even while wearing pants. How I don't weigh 450 pounds is beyond me. I like to think the wine flushes the bad stuff out.
- Moisturizing. I have, without fail, put lotion on my face at least twice a day, every single day, since I was 16. Every. Day. In the winter I sometimes do it 4-5 times a day. I cannot STAND when my skin feels dry. I have bottles of lotion in almost every room of the house as I need to rub it into my hands probably 239 times a day. This is also why I never get anything else done, but my skin looks great.
- What other people eat/wear/do with their houses. I swear, if all of you only wrote on your blogs what you ate and wore the day before, I would never, ever get sick of reading it. I love seeing how other people live. This is also why I love going for a walk at dusk, when people haven't closed their shades yet, so I can see what the inside of their houses look like. Hey, it's not peeping if I'm just walking by and the window is open anyways, right? And it's not my fault that you like to walk around wearing nothing but too-small Superman underpants and thigh-high stockings in your living room three times a week and every other Sunday. I can't help what I see on my (totally random, I swear!) walks.
- Facebook. Gah. I can't believe that I'm admitting that. I'm such a cliche, but I can't stop. Send help. And cookies. And good whiskey- it goes well with cookies.
- Talking on the phone. Hate it. HATE it. I think I used up my "loves talking on the phone" minutes back in high school. Now? I ignore the necessary evil as if it were covered in mushrooms and other people's pubic hair. On the off chance I answer, it means I'm probably drunk or Clive Owen is finally getting back to me about that whole "having hot, sweaty sex with me" thing.
- Guys in skinny jeans. Ick, ick, ick. I know I'm going to catch flak for this one, but I don't give a shit. Unless you're 14-19 years old, gay, or both- stop. Please, just stop. You look retarded.
- Schmoozing. Every time I'm forced to do some work-related, schmooze-required event or find myself in an outside-of-work situation that forces me to "talk shop" and "network" with people I don't or barely know, I die a little inside. Which isn't to say I'm not any good at it, I'm OK, I just hate it with every cell in my body. Usually I play a little game, where I see how long I can make it before the torture makes me say something inappropriate or incoherent. I give myself 10 points if I do it in front of more than one person, 5 if I do it with something stuck in my teeth, and 8 if it involves accidentally insulting someone. I think I'm up to about 5,379 points so far. If I reach 10,000 I'm buying myself a discount Chinese baby girl as a reward. I hear they're "in" this year.
- Over-analyzing stuff. I like to look at a situation, quickly assess it, then make a decision and stick to it. This works out at LEAST 50% of the time, so I see no reason to bother with things like "research" and "not jumping to conclusions" or "putting more than an ounce of thought into that sexual reassignment surgery". I stand by my decisions, dammit.
- Most action movies, shrimp and shellfish, the taste of most toothpastes, shallow/phony people, warm chocolate chip cookies, overly hot summers, having to work, overcooked meat or eggs, dusting, lawn care, long fingernails, people who don't use their blinkers, people who chew with their mouths open, and finally (for now)- Cinnamon Toast crunch Cereal.
That's probably enough meme goodness for today/now. Stay tuned for part two, where I list my five favorite parts of my lady bits (here's a hint- #3 rhymes with "bovary"), tell you the top ten ways I like to perform unsavory personal hygiene acts in public (the "wipe and swipe" move is particularly impressive), or the last 7 books about surgical procedures from the 1600s that I've read ("Ye Olde Guide to Amputations using Ye Olde Hammers" was very engaging).
Happy Monday, my bullet-pointed lists of pubic hair goodness. Happy Monday.