Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Yup- looks like another flare-up. I'm gonna need some ointment here, folks...

Suicidal memes, part deux:

(This is the point where I remind y'all that my inner stubborn leprechaun flatly refuses to follow the rules on these things. I post no rules, I tag no one as last time I did that I had a hell of a time getting the smell off of my fingers.)

I was tagged by The Girl Wonder (who happens to write a very funny, witty blog. She's totally smarter than I am and she makes pizza and ice cream a lot. She's my kind of gal.)

I'm supposed to tell you ten things about myself that you probably don't know but are completely true.

Holy hell, after 2.5 years of blogging, I've told you everything from what my bra size is to that story where I accidentally cut the inside of my nostril with a pair of scissors. I've discussed my lady bits, I pretty much give you a running account of what I eat, I've posted numerous hideous pictures and embarrassing stories from my youth, and I regularly talk about poo in all forms.

I don't know if there are even ten things left, but like #499 out of 500 in the "World's Largest Gang-bang", I may as well just give it a go at this point. How bad can it be, really?:

#1) I don't own any sort of mp3 player. No ipod, no Zune, nothing. Nor do I have any desire to have one. I have a hard enough time paying attention to what I'm doing when I'm out biking or walking- the last thing I need is more distractions. I'm the kind of person who would run into traffic chasing a butterfly that, upon further inspection, turns out to be a moth- I don't need Air Supply cranked at full volume to increase my odds of becoming asphalt hamburger.

#2) I had a pet mouse when I was a teenager. He was black and I named him Darby, as in Darby Crash from the Germs. My Mom was disturbed at first, but eventually she took a shining to the little guy and regularly played with him and gave him baths. She even got him a little Xmas stocking and bought him gifts. He pooped constantly and had a way of spraying his smelly pee out of his cage and onto the wall, but we sure loved that little turdlet. He died in the winter, and I wanted to bury him proper-like, so I wrapped him up, put him in a ziploc, and stored him in the freezer until Spring. I really should have warned Mom about this, as the day she found him in there was interesting, to say the least.

#3) I like to take historical home tours by myself.

#4) The Mr. and I are talking about eventually buying a small farm on the outskirts of Duluth. And by "eventually" we mean sooner, not later. He actually initiated the idea (anyone who knows him knows how completely out of character this idea is coming from him), and I would totally be on board. I could realistically see doing this in the next 10 years, and it would make me ecstatically happy. I could finally raise funny-looking chickens, maybe some goats, and garden to my heart's content. Plus, I wouldn't have those nosy neighbors that get so uptight about seeing a grown woman practicing her "ode to squirrels" interpretive dance in the front yard.

#5) Shit- I'm only up to 5? Hmmm...OK. I have successfully weaned myself out of a raging coffee habit. I still drink the stuff occasionally, but pretty much only on the weekends. I was up to about 40-50 ounces a day, which may not be a lot to some of you, but it made me jittery, yet I had no energy whatsoever, and I'd fly into the rage cage if someone so much as looked at me funny. I figured it was only a matter of time before I snapped and strangled someone with their own underpants for having the NERVE to greet me with a cheery "good morning!" Well, that and I'm pretty convinced it was slowly eating a hole clear through my belly.

#6) In elementary school, I purposely lost a spelling bee just because I didn't want to be the "dork who won the spelling bee". I stand by my decision.

#7) I sent off the first item I've ever sold on Ebay yesterday. I see a new addiction coming on. It's not so much about the $$, but more in that my stuff is going to people that really want it, and that makes me happy. Before you know it, we'll be living in an empty house, and I'll be rolling on the floor muttering, "Just one more fix, please! I just need to sell one small thing, just to , you know- get me through the day. Help a girl out!" I see Ebay sellers rehab in my very near future.

#8) When I was 18, naive, and fresh in college, I met a crazy guy who wanted me to take pictures of him to help jump-start a possible career in porn. Since I had no boundaries and thought he was funny, I agreed. He was rather, ahem, well-gifted in the area that is most appreciated by this industry, and I took a bunch o'photos of it/him. We didn't know where to develop them, so he said to drop them at Target, which I did. Then I forgot to pick them up. Oops. We stopped hanging out shortly thereafter, and as far as I know he never picked them up either. I wonder what ever happened to them and if his "career" ever got off the ground?

#9) Speaking of porn, when I was young I found my Dad's stash of porn in the basement. It was a pile of 6-7 Penthouse magazines from the 70's that he was very clearly trying to hide. Of course I looked at them, and for many years after that I thought that sex involved roller skates, being on a yacht, bananas, or being naked in the woods. Or all of the above. Come to think of it, maybe I still do...

#10) I eat eggs in some shape or form probably 6 times a week. I never get sick of them. I expect to morph into the Chicken lady any time now. Be afraid.

That's it! I'm done and I'm to wash the blood off my hands. I've killed two memes in two days- I better stop before I reach serial killer status. Plus, the freezer is full and the neighbors are starting to get suspicious.

Happy Wednesday, my bloody little nuggets of random information. Happy Wednesday.



Kate said...

#3: Me too! Weird.
#4: Take me with you. For serious.

Bubs said...

#9) I found my first cache of porn badly hidden in a box out in a swampy wooded area we used to run around in, along with a bunch of fireworks. It set a pattern I think.

SkylersDad said...

Is it possible to love you more? I think not.

#1 - me neither, I have no interest in being that plugged in.

#3 - Oh wait you said hisTORical, not hysterical. I thought we had something else in common.

#4 - Another commonality! My "ode to squirrels" interpretive dance is to the tune of old ragtime music, what's yours?

#7 - I have a friend who gets her kicks from screwing over people selling her crap. Seriously, she gets a high out of it. Weird.

#10 - I could survive on a steady diet of eggs, but other people around me could not.

LegalMist said...

Awesome job with this meme. You dispatched it quite nicely. You truly are one of the most entertaining bloggers in bloggy land.

Re: #7, my daughter's current favorite you tube video is Weird Al Yankovic's ode to ebay.

Check it out here:

Cora said...

OOH!! I sell on Ebay too ~ it's a total high sometimes. I once sold a Tigger antenna topper for $65 and I was floored. $65?! Really?! Go figure.

3carnations said...

Craig's List is another good one...As long as you don't sell "massage services".

Also, for things you just want to get rid of, Freecycle is great. It's so nice to see how happy people are to get something that was just taking up space in our house.

3carnations said...

Oh, and re: porn - A couple years after we got married, hubby and I discovered some porn that my ex had stashed IN THE BASEMENT CEILING. Classy. I was tempted to mail it to him.

John said...

You're still a dork.

We talk cheese, but never eggs? Why? This morning's fb status. Coincidence?

Fancy Schmancy said...

Crap, I have 2 awards/memes that I have to get to also. Perhaps you will be my inspiration!

TheHermanator said...

You are My Favorite Whack Job in All of the Blogospere, and when I'm having a bad day like today, you help me forget about all my aches and pains, at least for a while !
RE: #6.Not only did I screw-up stuff in grade school so I wouldn't have to get up in front of the class, but... because my Grandfather was an MD, and my Dad had worked in Hospitals all his life, I was afraid that when I took my aptitude tests in Bootcamp, that they would make me a Hospital Corpsman, (AKA) a "Pecker Checker".
If a question asked if I would rather give someone a shot, or disarm a bomb, I went with the Bomb every time !
As a result, I had this incredibly high score in "Electro-Mechanical" ability, which is what I wanted so I could make it into an aircraft school, and not have to be on some little boat !,..Talk about unintended consequences !

Gwen said...

I couldn't live w/o my iPod. It helps cover the drone of the stupid people. Also? Perfect excuse for squirrel interpretive dance in the pickle aisle at the grocer's.

If I'm not invited to live on the chicken commune, I'll just die.

I took 2nd place in my 2nd grade spelling bee. I lost honestly but I'm going to start telling people I threw it. Especially that smarty-pants, skipped-fourth-grade Lisa Rozgonni bitch.

When I was a kid, I read the "found" porn on the toilet because that's where I thought it was supposed to be read.

Kim said...

Gwen - so did I!!
Except the only thing my dad had was boring, tame Playboy. So I grew up thinking you were supposed to have perfect round DD's, flawless skin and really long hair and nails. Wait - I still think that. That explains a lot, now that I think about it.

Renaissance Woman said...

Still learning more and more about you! If you move to a farm and have a large garden I will come to the weekly farmers markets you will hold. And I was just thinking about selling something on that you are such a fan. Thanks for the smile.

Anonymous said...

I also had pet mice. The pet store where I purchased them, sold them mainly as food or treats for snakes and other misc. reptilian creatures, so I felt obligated to buy them up so they wouldn't become some lizard's dinner!!
*I'll bet you got hit with the meme's because you mentioned that you were vacation!! 'Nuff said....
~ Renata1967

gorillabuns said...

i don't own an MP3 player or ipod either and i found my GRANDFATHER'S porn stash after he died along with his collection of "drawings" on the subject. i still have nightmares from them.

glenda said...

Wiskey why dont you share some of those great Recipes, to help us dummy that cant cook )

Luisa Perkins said...


T.J. said...

Although I can relate to all (or most) of the things you've stated above (happily no to #8), the one I most relate to is the caffeiene reduction.

Did you know I actually exhibited withdrawal symptoms from it when I decided to go 'cold turkey' while getting my A.A.?

Mommy Lisa said...

#5 - Me too! No coffee, no regular tea, no pop.

I am down to juice, water, sparkling water, herbal tea and well - of course WINE. ;)

Stefanie said...


WendyB said...

But did you see the Darby Crash movie? Or am I already supposed to know that?

Organic Meatbag said...

Hey, my Dad was classy, he had Gallery magazines, and I loved them... and I believed that I would never be a man unless I could grow a Burt Reynolds 'stache... I knew this would be key for me if I were ever to offer a suitable lass a mustache ride...

And oh yeah, I also don't follow those award rules very well...I'm so damn anti-establishment...hahaha!