- Stole a 5-cent candy lipstick from a convenience store
- Repeatedly prank-called our substance-addled and anger management therapy candidate choir teacher in junior high school with my friend, M.
- Got detention in 6th grade, thereby forever tarnishing my badge as School Patrol Co-Captain FOREVER, according to our obviously gay but married and angry supervisor.
- Globbed lotion on the hairbrush of that bitchy, frizzy-haired blonde girl at summer camp, which resulted in her throwing a hissy fit of epic proportions, landing all of us sharing the room in big-assed trouble. I never confessed- bitch deserved it.
- Took $5 from my Mom's wallet once
- Peed on the lawn of a church
- Commited statutory rape once- he was 17, I was 19.
- Ate all the cookies, said the dog did it.
- Gave the Mister my nasty, nasty stomach flu.
*You all know I save the REALLY bad things for real posts and my therapist. Duh.
Happy Thursday, my lying, cheating, cookie-eating balls of anger. Happy Thursday.
I once stole one of those pencil grippers that kids use when they don't hold the pencil properly. The kid noticed it was gone, told the teacher, and then Hey, look at that, there it is on my pencil. I said I found it on the floor. Teacher didn't believe me, and I had to bring home some stealing book to read with my mom. Totally lame.
I kicked and bit my 4th grade teacher after he grabbed me, jerked me around and twisted my arm. When I didn't get in trouble he was pissed. That was a long year.
In high school I mastered the assistant principal's signature and forged all the passes.
Poor Mr. Hope he feels better.
This is great stuff for the tell-all book I'm writing about you "Whiskey Dearest: Sex, Lies and Stolen Candy Lipstick in the Frozen Hell of Minnesota." If you have them, please send incriminating photos. Did I mention it will be a pop-up book?
mando- If only you still had that book in your possession- gold!
Patti- what a little delinquent you were! I love you.
McGone- My lawyer has asked that you send a document outlining the terms of my compensation for said book. He also said I can agree to pop-ups as long as they are offensive and/or embarrassing, to keep in character.
Kim- Not only are you not banned, but you win the "Whiskeymarie Badass of the Day" award. Congrats! Butthole!
Is there such a thing as bad Whiskey? Yes, it is called Dan Tucker or Ol' GrandDad.
Looking for a spanking today, Whiskey Girl? This is a good way to get it!
hmmm. . . I'm considering doing something like this for me, but I don't know how deep into "Bad Flenker" I'd want to go. Probably wouldn't want to scratch the surface, I want to have SOME friends.
You put lotion on her hairbrush? Uummmmmm....now you must turn in all your girl scout badges and your sash. Tsk, tsk. :-)
Whiskey would have been bad, had she talked more about nasty, nasty non stomach flu stuff. No other revelations here. ; )
The poor Mister.
I once peed in a church parking lot, but didn't realize until a few days later because I was so drunk when I did the peeing.
I've never forgiven myself.
I knew you were bad, but I had NO idea of the depths to which you have descended. I am shocked, madam, SHOCKED.
I remember candy lipstick. Who wouldn't be driven to steal such awesome candy. Case dismissed.
mmmmmm @ eating all the cookies.
as for bad whiskey? i thought it wasn't possible, but there's a canadian brand called Forty Creek that people keep telling me to try, but i've sure tried it and it sure is rat terrible. all other whiskies reign superior. and you are their queen.
I've never done anything bad. Ever.
I can't relate.
(she says ducking the lightening that is soon to strike)
I'm saying a Hail Mary for you right now. Well after I eat this slice a pizza - directly.
I stole mascara from a department store when I was 13. I just realized this would make a great blog post, thanks!
My list... enormous.
Peeing on the church lawn? Double bonus points if it was in the daytime during a service.
I was a statutory rapist too! Like you, I was 19 and he was 17. Eek.
Borderline klepto perv who freely gives of herself ... I luv it!
How could Grandma's girl do all these wretched things.
I don't know who did that banner but he has wicked badass skills and should be immediately recruited by the VonPartypants HR Dept with the full golden parachute deal.
and then there was that time you took off my pants in middle school and didn't give them back until college. don't forget that.
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