Thursday, February 26, 2009

Is there such a thing as bad Whiskey?

Some of the bad* things I've done in my life, briefly (much like the underpants):
  • Stole a 5-cent candy lipstick from a convenience store
  • Repeatedly prank-called our substance-addled and anger management therapy candidate choir teacher in junior high school with my friend, M.
  • Got detention in 6th grade, thereby forever tarnishing my badge as School Patrol Co-Captain FOREVER, according to our obviously gay but married and angry supervisor.
  • Globbed lotion on the hairbrush of that bitchy, frizzy-haired blonde girl at summer camp, which resulted in her throwing a hissy fit of epic proportions, landing all of us sharing the room in big-assed trouble. I never confessed- bitch deserved it.
  • Took $5 from my Mom's wallet once
  • Peed on the lawn of a church
  • Commited statutory rape once- he was 17, I was 19.
  • Ate all the cookies, said the dog did it.
  • Gave the Mister my nasty, nasty stomach flu.

*You all know I save the REALLY bad things for real posts and my therapist. Duh.

Happy Thursday, my lying, cheating, cookie-eating balls of anger. Happy Thursday.

22 comments:

boredmando said...

I once stole one of those pencil grippers that kids use when they don't hold the pencil properly. The kid noticed it was gone, told the teacher, and then Hey, look at that, there it is on my pencil. I said I found it on the floor. Teacher didn't believe me, and I had to bring home some stealing book to read with my mom. Totally lame.

Anonymous said...

I kicked and bit my 4th grade teacher after he grabbed me, jerked me around and twisted my arm. When I didn't get in trouble he was pissed. That was a long year.

In high school I mastered the assistant principal's signature and forged all the passes.

Poor Mr. Hope he feels better.

Patti

McGone said...

This is great stuff for the tell-all book I'm writing about you "Whiskey Dearest: Sex, Lies and Stolen Candy Lipstick in the Frozen Hell of Minnesota." If you have them, please send incriminating photos. Did I mention it will be a pop-up book?

Kim said...

At this risk of you banning me from your readership, I have to share. The lotion in the bitch's hairbrush reminded me of it, but in my version of this story, I used the bitch's toothbrush as a butthole scrubber on a day when I was feeling very poopy. Horrible I know, but my bitch deserved it as well.
Will bitches never learn?

Whiskeymarie said...

mando- If only you still had that book in your possession- gold!

Patti- what a little delinquent you were! I love you.

McGone- My lawyer has asked that you send a document outlining the terms of my compensation for said book. He also said I can agree to pop-ups as long as they are offensive and/or embarrassing, to keep in character.

Kim- Not only are you not banned, but you win the "Whiskeymarie Badass of the Day" award. Congrats! Butthole!

Doc said...

Is there such a thing as bad Whiskey? Yes, it is called Dan Tucker or Ol' GrandDad.

Doc

Gwen said...

Looking for a spanking today, Whiskey Girl? This is a good way to get it!

Flenker said...

hmmm. . . I'm considering doing something like this for me, but I don't know how deep into "Bad Flenker" I'd want to go. Probably wouldn't want to scratch the surface, I want to have SOME friends.

Giggle Pixie said...

You put lotion on her hairbrush? Uummmmmm....now you must turn in all your girl scout badges and your sash. Tsk, tsk. :-)

John said...

Whiskey would have been bad, had she talked more about nasty, nasty non stomach flu stuff. No other revelations here. ; )

Lisa said...

The poor Mister.

I once peed in a church parking lot, but didn't realize until a few days later because I was so drunk when I did the peeing.

I've never forgiven myself.

CDP said...

I knew you were bad, but I had NO idea of the depths to which you have descended. I am shocked, madam, SHOCKED.

kirby said...

I remember candy lipstick. Who wouldn't be driven to steal such awesome candy. Case dismissed.

i am playing outside said...

mmmmmm @ eating all the cookies.


as for bad whiskey? i thought it wasn't possible, but there's a canadian brand called Forty Creek that people keep telling me to try, but i've sure tried it and it sure is rat terrible. all other whiskies reign superior. and you are their queen.

Stacey said...

I've never done anything bad. Ever.
I can't relate.

(she says ducking the lightening that is soon to strike)

Suze said...

I'm saying a Hail Mary for you right now. Well after I eat this slice a pizza - directly.

Fancy Schmancy said...

I stole mascara from a department store when I was 13. I just realized this would make a great blog post, thanks!

Cowguy said...

My list... enormous.

Peeing on the church lawn? Double bonus points if it was in the daytime during a service.

J.

Beret said...

I was a statutory rapist too! Like you, I was 19 and he was 17. Eek.

Keith said...

Borderline klepto perv who freely gives of herself ... I luv it!

John said...

How could Grandma's girl do all these wretched things.

I don't know who did that banner but he has wicked badass skills and should be immediately recruited by the VonPartypants HR Dept with the full golden parachute deal.

Landis said...

and then there was that time you took off my pants in middle school and didn't give them back until college. don't forget that.