Wednesday, February 25, 2009

All rumbly in my tumbly

Dear stomach flu/foodbourne illness/whatever parasite I caught eating that sandwich off the floor of the e-coli ward at the hospital:

I am not at all happy that you made me spend all of Sunday night on my bathroom floor, using a towel as a pillow and a robe as a blanket in-between high-pressure barfing that made my stomach hurt so much that I contemplated removing it then and there with a pair of toenail clippers. The whole "chills then sweaty fever-y" stuff was charming too. Even while it was happening, I kept thinking of the scene in "Trainspotting" where Ewan MacGregor is trying to kick the junk, minus the whole dead baby crawling on the ceiling thing. It was charming- even more so at 5:00 in the morning.

I'm not too happy that you made me miss work Monday- a very important day this week as I had some very big things going on at work and really needed to be there. The whole "not being able to get off the couch except when I needed to get to the bathroom in which case I kind of walked/half-dragged my carcass upstairs, only to be so exhausted that I had to rest a bit before venturing back down the stairs and back to the couch, which now has a permanent indent from my sicky ass? Well, that kind of sucked.

I'm also a bit peeved that you tricked me into thinking I was fine to go to work Tuesday, but once I got there you made me so queasy, tired and rumbly-jumbly in my tummy that I was worried that I had accidentally ingested a family of angry ferrets. The whole "not being able to walk 10 feet without sweating, getting so pale that I was nearly invisible and having to use an oxygen tank" was a bit much, don't you think? If I was just going to go home anyways, why send me in in the first place? This was yet another very important day at work for me, and I'm pretty sure my coworkers now resent me and think I was faking it. I will forever be branded with a scarlet "A" for Asshole.

I'm feeling a bit better today, and I'm going to attempt work again. We'll see how it goes.

I will thank you for one thing, Sir Stomach Flu. There was a few times there where I was worried that you were going to bestow the ultimate humiliation on me- one that I managed to avoid even through elementary school and that one time I ate an entire Little Caesar's Pizza myself in college. I thank you for sparing me this shame, though a few times yestarday during my brief stint in the workplace I had my doubts that you had my back.

Dear Stomach flu, I thank you for not making me spontaneously shit my pants. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I owe you one. Also, a small woo! to you for not making me barf all over the conference table yesterday. I and my coworkers thank you. I encourage you to do the same today.

But you still suck, Sir Sicks-a-lot. And I hate you. Good-bye!



kirby said...

But if you had shat yourself at work, your co-workers would know that you weren't faking it.

Some Guy said...

Your ability to thank something that has been so horrible to you shows your tremendous capacity to forgive. Three cheers for poop-free drawers!

Chiada said...

Poor Boo-Boo!!! Awww, I'm sorry you're feeling so icky. The way you described it... I've felt the exact same way before, so I feel your pain. Not that that helps you out here. I hope you feel better soon. How about some Tom Kha Kai sweet & sour thai soup? That sort of thing usually helps me.. a bit.

Kim said...

Okay. And here I was feeling sorry for myself with the fever/sore throat/stuffy nose/achy thing? Your sickness just took my sickness out behind the bleachers and kicked its ass.
Nothing like a little perspective.
Please to be feeling better very soon.

Bill Hipps said...

I bet you look great in your skinny jeans though!

wafelenbak said...

Ha! Kirby has a good point.
I hope you feel ALL better soon. If I lived closer, I would give you one of my super high-powered chemo-strength-nausea-fighting pills that the ER gave me last summer. I keep them in case of emergency, i.e. continual barfing or terrorist attack.

i am playing outside said...

*Hugs* *through a hazmat suit*

WendyB said...

During times of illness, I like to console myself with the fact that I have at least lost weight. However, it never fails that I immediately gain 10 pounds with the first bite of real food that I consume.

John said...

RE: "...I thank you for not making me spontaneously shit my pants..

When did you start wearing pants? Does HR know about this?

Feel better. : )

Giggle Pixie said...

My son is going through this right now. Thank heavens he lives on his own in another town. I do NOT want those germs!!

Hope you're feeling much better today!

Anonymous said...

Sorry you were so sick. Feel better.


Anonymous said...

Dear Whiskey,
I apologize for having pained you so.
I was aiming for your co-workers when you, for some unexplained reason, decided to glide directly in the path of my cruel, yet sometimes necessary curse. It looked like you were pretending to be a runway fashion model. No doubt it was a most hilarious display as you had your co-workers laughing out loud... I believe the kids call it LOL'ing.
Again, I do apologize for the inconvenience of you having gone through such "dire" trauma.

Warmest regards,
Mr. Stomach Flu,
House of Sandwich,
Third Earl of Pepsis, Esq.

Anonymous said...


Last weekend, I shit my pants while vomiting. Then I cried.

-Much anonymous love to you.

Perfectly Shelly said...

Um, please don't be offended if my blog stays away from your blog until I'm convinced that it's not contagious anymore.

Thanks....see you in a few days.

Lisa said...

Aww. That flu sucks. I'm glad you were spared the mud butt. That would be the ultimate humiliation at work.

180|360 said...

Somehow I get the sense that even if you had shat yourself at work, you would have done so with utmost grace and humor. Get well soon, lady!

Failcooks said...

I had food poisoning from a mother f-ing Subway tuna sandwich a couple months back and my boss thought I was faking. Like, if I had come in, I would have not only shit my pants but shit the pants of everyone in the tri-block area such was the violence of this shitacular bug. Rest, my lady. Rest, and rest your bunghole too. Just rest.

Gwen said...

You need a couch upstairs. Or a bathroom down.

Hope you're feeling better!

T.J. said...

Sickness is the suckness.

TheHermanator said...

Let me begin by saying "EEeeeew ! Yuk ! I feel for Ya, but your vivid description made me a lil' bit pukey!
I can relate, try having one of those Bugs when you're supposed to be at work preparing food, while the mere thought of food makes you return to the porcelain Bus. I had that fun experience enough times to fully sympathize wit' Ur case !.
Hope you feel better quick, and are able to smooth your co-wotker's feathers when you recover.

surviving myself said...

I bet it appreciates that you signed the letter with a kiss and a hug.

Mel O said...

Why is it that the bathroom floor is the ONLY place one wants to sleep when they're that sick? OHHH, I feel for you, babe!! That's AWFUL!

Idea #527 said...

That sucks! Feel Better!!

Here's a little trick for you NOT to slightly shit your pants. . . I did this in 2nd grade when I had diarhea. I wore my mom's pads near the back of my pants so I wouldn't leave trail marks! Ingenious!!