Y'all know most of my secrets: my shameful and crippling addiction to snack foods, my unrequited love for John Malkovich, my inability to both whistle and snap, and such and such. But I do think it's interesting to have something out there that no one knows is written by me, and I'm sure the anon (I don't even know who it is) blogger posting here today thought the same thing. Sometimes people confess secrets in Blogshare, sometimes they write about people they otherwise can't, sometimes they tell embarrassing stories. Today's post from an anon scribe is more of the "secret" variety.
So today I give to you, my friends, a post written not by me, but some other soul out there in the world. Be kind and don't swear at them or make inappropriate sexual advances the way you normally would with me:
I am depressed. Not hide-the-sleeping-pills and get heavy medication depressed, but just a normal, terrible mood depressed. The kind of depressed that makes getting out of bed challenging, makes being polite to people nearly impossible, makes me moody and grouchy and irritable.
I've always been the happy one. The girl who cracks jokes and smiles and sees the humor in even the most dire of situations. But lately I can't be that girl. I can't find joy in anything. I fake it, though. For my husband, my family, my friends, I pretend like I'm still doing okay, like I still see the funny and the silly and enjoy the ridiculous.
I don't want them to worry, to ask me how I'm doing in that tone of voice. I don't want them to think less of me. So I pretend like I'm still me, like my world isn't tumbling down around my ears. I cry in the shower, where no one can hear or see me.
And then I meet friends for drinks and force smiles.
I don't want to pretend any more. I don't want to be this sad, moody person anymore, either. I want to be myself again.
But I don't know how.
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I'll be back tomorrow, folks.
XO
24 comments:
Things like this is one of the best things about blogging. Methinks I shall participate.
Well, Anon, maybe it's just this damned long winter. Perhaps some sun therapy is needed? Maybe that will help, as you mentioned you didn't want the meds.
I could have written this a year ago. I don't know if it would help you, but talking to my husband really helped me. (I'm suggesting you talk to your own husband, not mine, although I can offer my husband up if it would help.). :-)
No. You wrote that.
i was going to post something exactly like this on my own blog today, but worried that all the real-life people who read my blog would freak out.
you describe it so perfectly. if you figure a way out of it, will you let me know?
I think that SO MANY people are feeling like this right now, and none of us know it, because most of us put on a happy face.
Hang in there, and get help if necessary.
Wouldn't an inappropriate sexual advance cheer you up? : )
My advice is to be yourself. Don't cry alone, cry with someone who knows and loves you and can help you find the way out of this hole. Don't be afraid to be fragile. Chances are very good that you aren't hiding it as well as you think.
I want to get in on this. How does one do so? Does one have to be a famous funny blogger or just a run of the mill asshat?
I'll let you guys know when the next blogshare happens.
And to my anon poster today- I can tell you that I have been where you are at. It's hard, I know. It sounds trite- but for me, when I have found myself in that place, I've found that the only change that works comes from within me. I've never found an external solution for this very, very hard and very personal problem.
I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Hang in there, my dear.
Anon, This moods sounds very familiar since i've been feeling the exact same way for the past week or so. However, I've taken to crying in the car instead of the shower.
The best thing to do is talk about it. Granted you might not talk to the husband or friends (sometimes I feel like i can't always talk to them) so I just blog about it. Interestingly enough there are people that will come to my page and read my rants and even leave a comment that may cheer me up. its a start.
Hope it gets better
A post like the anonymous one are what makes blogging great.
I have been there too many times to count. It will get better, but also don't feel ashamed about getting some help. I've always been too ashamed to get a prescription, and I wonder how much easier my life would be if I'd just buckle down and do it.
Anon, I totally feel your pain. But my husband now knows about mine and even though he's not terribly helpful or supportive at least I feel somewhat relieved that I don't have to put on quite so much of an act. Maybe that would help you as well. Think about sharing this with him. Maybe he'll surprise you and actually be your rock until you've found your feet again.
I'm sorry you're going through this, Anonyposter. Have you sought out professional help? Maybe it will help.
I have been where you are many times. My current mantra: Better living through pharmaceuticals and sunlight lamps.
Anon Poster - Please see your doctor and seek some sort of therapy, drug or otherwise. I suffer from depression. And it is for real, and it is a disease, and it is nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed of. It's a disease just like diabetes or epilepsy or high blood pressure. And I take medication everyday to make myself better. And I probably always will.
I felt just like you describe for for over a year. But thank heavens, through this wonderful world of blogging I happened upon a post by a favorite blogger.It hit me like a ton of bricks. It was a follow up post to one she had written months earlier. I went back through her archives to read that post. And I cried. She described exactly what I was feeling, hopeless and losing her will to live. She got help. And months later, she was reflecting on how much better she was.
I too pretended everything was fine. I didn't want my friends and family to be all "what is wrong with her now?" But after I read that post I made an appointment with my doctor. Finally, FINALLY, because of that blog post, I saw that I needed help to get through what I was living with. Like Gretta said above, better living through pharmaceuticals. I feel so fortunate that the drugs my doc put me on worked, with no awful side affects. There are days when I still get a little blue feeling, but they pass easier now. Sorry so rambling. I know how bad I felt and want you to know that it can be so much better. :)
I agree with the others...it does sound like your writing. Is it you?
Make an appointment to talk to a therapist. I once felt overwhelmed mentally and emotionally due to some serious family drama, and I did an intake session with my college counseling center. All I did was spill my guts, and after that I found that I didn't really need therapy anymore. Talking and having someone listen helped me figure out what I was feeling and then I was able to heal. Please allow someone else to help relieve you of your burdens.
I've been in your place before. No one knew I was depressed. I could have won an Academy Award. But alone, I was miserable.
One thing I can recommend, and it's hard to do, is to keep busy, and be with friends and family. Go out. Be with people, even if you're faking happiness. Eventually this may work you out of your depression. You won't even know that the cloud is lifting until it has disappeared.
Good luck to you, and I hope your old self returns soon. Maybe a short vacation would help?
Anon: I know the pain of 'being the funny one.'
If ever there's a day when you aren't cracking a joke a minute, it's 'What's wrong. Are you ok?'
How do I deal with these times? For me, it's usually music. I'll find the songs that will really make me cry, put them all in a play list, and just work it out.
If that doesn't work, I don't know.....Quaaludes?
T.
Definitely talk to someone -- either a loved one or a professional. Don't let any stigmas about being depressed, mildly or otherwise, hold you back. And be good to yourself.
Dear Anonymous: I know what you're going through. There's nothing wrong with sadness, but crying in the shower seems more than that. Talk to your regular doctor if you can't talk to your husband or family. It might be something as simple as a thyroid change, or you may need to go talk with someone. I hope you feel better, soon!
Hi Anon. I felt that way a couple of years ago, for a long time. The problem with feeling like that is that people will tell you that you need to talk to your friends, or talk to a therapist, and you don't WANT to talk to anyone, because you're afraid that then your secret will come out and everything will somehow fall down around your ears.
If you are female, are you perchance taking the birth control pill? I ultimately traced my depression to the hormones I was taking, and when I stopped the pill I bounced back very quickly. Fucking hormones. I was lucky that way; I know the answer is not always that easy. But take care of yourself, and take it one day at a time. It will not always be like this.
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