Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Stick a pitchfork in me- I'm done.


At Casa de VonPartypants it appears that we have traveled back in time.

A simpler time, where men were men and women were plain and tall. A time when we milled our own flour, did our business in a wooden box in the back yard, and plucked our eggs for breakfast from the warm bums of fluffy chickens.

A time when fornication was for procreation and a bra was a new-fangled contraption designed to hoist our previously saggy mammaries into newfound levels of perkiness.

A time when...

A time when computers didn't exist so we had no reason to want to scream and throw the beast out of the nearest window because our internet connection has once again slowed to speeds that can best be compared with a slow-leaking tire, and has been this slow for two freaking days now.

Argh.

Until this improves, I will just write my posts down and hand-address a copy to each and every person in the entire U.S. as I am sure this would be the quickest option, and I know how weird you are about giving out your address.

You can expect to receive yours in 6-45 weeks. Look for the envelope with the monkey stickers and the greasy Cheeto smears.

Oh, and if you could do the same for me so that I can actually read your posts, well that would be totally awesome of you.
Thanks a ton, sweetie- you're the best.

XO

25 comments:

Mojito said...

My work computer is the first model made. You know, the one with the mice running on wheels to make it go? Except, sadly, one of the three mice died from the exertion last week, and the other two just haven't been the same since.
And I'm not even cool enough to have the internetsss at home!
Woe is me...
Pity me.

Poobomber said...

Thanks a ton, sweetie- you're the best.

Don't tell ME, tell all your friends!

Dr Zibbs said...

I remember those old days. I use to have to write my TBY posts on a slate and ask that town folk read it, then pass it to the next person. Well guess what? Some jerk would always erase it. I know. Jerks.

Sornie said...

Wait a minute, it's not normal any longer to crap in a wooden box in the back yard. Huh. Someone could have told me about this.

Gwen said...

You already have my addy. Be sure to include another of those awesome chocolate bars.

Kim said...

The day I got something from you IN THE REAL MAIL, would be the day I could die of happiness.
That was a mighty selfish thing to say. I truly hope your connection gets back up to speed in short order. Slow internet is a shit sandwich.

Lisa said...

My Internet and phone took a dump last week... at the same damned time! I feel your pain.

Oh, and BTW... I LOVE getting mail!

Butrfly Garden said...

I was really counting on you to help me come up with a halloween costume this year. Will you be hand-developing your pictures, too? Maybe you can help me with next year's.

Randoms: I saw that painting I.R.L. Not that that's interesting at all, but when the hell else am I going to get a chance to say that.

AND. I got a monkey lunch box. Be jealous. ;)

pistols at dawn said...

You're so 2003. For many reasons, really, but now you've got another one.

Aunt Snow said...

Sometimes I just want to scrawl letters in the dirt with a pointed stick!!

Hang in there.

Suze said...

But how will I know your letters from Britney Spears letters? You've got me in a pickle now. Pickle - did someone say pickle?

Fancy Schmancy said...

My innernets is lightning fast, but my computer is slower than dirt. For some reason, yelling "c'mon you POS, hurry up" does not work. Whatever you do, don't kick it. I did that at work once and blew the motherboard. Oops.

Moe Wanchuk said...

If I.....I mean a friend of mine.... Is into mono-erotic love....is that considered fornication?

Renaissance Woman said...

Such a great idea...why hve we all been writing these blogs online when we could be writing individual letters to the world?

wafelenbak said...

Based on the reputation Chicago's postal system has, I'd likely receive said letter long after you're online again.
So, I'll just wait and pine. :p

Christa said...

you could also just wander around downtown talking crazy and other people will send us your messages via "overheard in minneapolis." try wearing that litter box contraption and it won't take long for you to have tons of people following you and recording your thoughts.

Shannon Erin said...

Maybe you broke teh internet when you dug that hole?

Postcard on its way.

180|360 said...

Perhaps you could just leave your blog posts on your answering machine? We could call in for our daily Whiskey.

CALL NOW!!!
**99¢/minute
1-612-WHISKEY

Kim said...

Thank you for your comment on my blog - that just made my day! I'm sort of an internet retard, but I'd love the idea of keeping my food journal on the blog - I guess I need to hit up my friend who's an I.T. person and ask him how to do it. How humiliating.
Just as an aside for now though, after only two days of food journaling I see I eat A LOT of yogurt and granola products, sometimes combined together. Gonna have to broaden my horizons a little - thank God we both love veggies.

Arjewtino said...

Can I just get a telegram? I've never gotten any.

Damn, that sounded worse than I intended.

John said...

My posts will come to you in plain brown wrapping paper and may or may not be marked with viewer discretion warnings.

Lollie said...

This is my third American Gothic reference in two days. You're all freaking me out.

Stop it.

CDP said...

Oh my gosh, there are plenty of days when I'd be thrilled with online speed as fast as air leaking out of tires. Plate tectonics, or melting glaciers, are better comparisons for my home internet speed. I'll chisel my posts on frickin stone tablets and send them to you via oxcart. They'll be there by the spring thaw at the latest.

surviving myself said...

I can't wait! You are the nicest person I don't know.

Stacey said...

I know whereof you speak. I have no computer access at home...and haven't for a couple weeks now. My laptop battery died, the ac adapter freaked out and well I'm left disconnected from the internetz during the weekend.

Wait, maybe that's not such a bad thing...
(but I am kinda hoping the laptop fairy brings me a new one for my b'day/christmas)