Monday, October 13, 2008

All the news that's fit to print, and maybe some that isn't.

Yes, I know- it's been pretty dry over here at the official news site of the VonPartypants administration. That whole "Underpantsgate" scandal has really been taking up a lot of our time, what with the depositions, the paper shredding and the lying to the media and all. We will say this much: The official stance of the VonPartypants administration was and will continue to be that we were unaware of the "thong" issue and that we have no knowledge whatsoever of the "mooning" in question. If you are here to ask about Ms. VonPartypants' alleged loss of pantwear at the Dorito Summit last month, I will respectfully direct you to our lawyer, Lionel Hutz, Esq.

Ms. VonPartypants expects to be fully operational later this week, when she will be enjoying a well-deserved 4, possibly 5 day weekend. She will be catching up on your news feeds/blogs/pap smears/family feuds/drunken rants and such and such as well, as she acknowledges her complete and total abandonment of y'all in the past few weeks. She is terribly sorry and promises to make you cookies and give you a totally-not-dirty-unless-you-want-it-to-be-then-I-guess-we'll-go-there massage.

In the official statement she released to the press she stated it as such:

"Can't talk. Work. House. Need sleep. Gah!"





Until then, she thinks you should tell her about your first kiss.

Hers was with a guy named Kurt in the garage next to her dad's beer can collection and auto-parts calendar with the trashy blonde with the huge cans on it. Kurt had a kisser like a large mouthed bass, and he seemed to believe that the wetter, the better. He was all tongue and had a strange vacuum-like suction going on. When she was allowed to come up for air, Ms. Whiskey felt as if she had been violated by a sea lamprey, and her entire face was covered with spit.









Ahhh...young love.

Tell me about yours- make something up if you're still waiting for that magic moment to happen, Prudey VonPruderstein.

Happy Monday, my french-kissing water-bourne parasites. Happy Monday.
XO

22 comments:

Dr Zibbs said...

The makeout session led to me trying to undo her bra. She was fine with me trying to undo it - then after a two minute struggle, she said something like, "No that's OK." On a related note, I spent the rest of the Summer mastering the Fonzie finger snap that releases all bra hardware within 50 feet.

John said...

Mine was with a girl named Lois Pitman. That's right, LOIS. PITMAN. Doesn't the name alone just make you HOT? As I recall, it was painless, but resembled some sort of mild orthodontic procedure.

Mommy Lisa said...

Friend of my best bud Suzy's boyfriend, outside in MN in January, behind a giant HVAC thing outside the bowling alley.

She convinced me to wear tons of lipgloss because boys like that. EWWW.

I can not remember if he was a good kisser or not.

Moe Wanchuk said...

some Wendy broad in 6th grade. Rammed her tongue down my throat and it scarred me for Life.

Now I don't talk or kiss. I just Hump.

Princess Sparkle Pants said...

Not even joking, it was in a Truth or Dare game the summer after 8th grade (but I was only 13). He said I did it wrong... how embarrassing.

Katrin said...

There had been a few pecks and kisses before this guy Marius from Germany. It was alright, actually, he worked his mouth well for the fact that it was filled with enough wire to bring light to a mid sized city.

Kim said...

A total dweeb named Steve. He could've been cute, but the dork factor was way too high. He wore braces and I don't know if that had anything to do with the amount of saliva, but mine was a big wet mess too and not in the good way. He grew up to be a cop.
Which makes me regret the kiss even more.

Anonymous said...

My first kiss (a frenchy no less!!) happened in the sixth grade with guy named Mike. OMG - that boy literally made me weak in my knees!! Sixteen years later, he ended up working at the same company as I did, but while I was married. He STILL made me shake in my shoes just looking at him....ahhh puppy love revisited.... Thank you for a very pleasant trip back in time!!
~ Renata1967

Sornie said...

I'll just say that mine was with an older woman. If it had gone much further, there could have been some sort of reverse statutory rape stuff, not that I'm the type to complain, though.

-R- said...

Ew, it was with a future NRA member who wanted to be an engineer but was as dumb as bricks. And he thought the wetter and sloppier, the better. Ew ew ew.

McGone said...

I'm still holding out for my first. I want it to be really special.

Catherine said...

Mine was actually awesome--I was 12, and we were at the skating rink. He was a year older than me and it was really, really nice. Except that everyone found out and I was called Texas Tongue Twister for the next six months (I had just moved to MS from TX).

However, the guy dated a friend of mine in high school and beat the shit out of her on a regular basis. Makes the memory not so nice.

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

The first one I remember was with a girl I was playing spin the football with, we didn't have a bottle so there. When she spun it she chanted, "Please let it land on Matt!" (He's my asshole psycho cousin.) When it landed on me she had a look that said that she'd rather kiss a pig's ass or suck lemons rather than kiss me but the little bitch kissed me nonetheless, badly though, but she still kissed me.

Chiada said...

My first kiss was when I was a Freshman in highschool. He was a Sophomore and soooo cute; his name was Peter. I first saw him in the library. The kiss was perfect: not too wet, not too fast, just the right amount of everything. I felt it down to my toes and it made my knees shake. Of course, I don't know how he felt about how I kissed him and all, but it was great for me.

Suze said...

Honestly, I think I was about six and I kissed Vinny Green. Ugh - what a perv at such a young age.

Fran said...

Shredded panties?

Oh dear, things are going back to normal around here. Where can I get a drink?

WendyB said...

My first kiss was aboard an airplane on the way to England. I was 15 and he was 23.

Aunt Snow said...

Oh, dear. I dated a Bad Boy in a Hot Car for about four months, and we had some torrid sessions in the back of the Chevy, but our tongues never met. He got me hot, but....something was missing.

Imagine my surprise, then, when a year later I dated a kind of nerdy intellectual guy with glasses who was a Kissing Machine! What a revelation!!!

Whew! Makes me get lightheaded just to remember!

Sator Arepo said...

Her name was Denise C, we were in 8th grade. Longtime crush. At the movies. (Mannequin? Fuck, I'm old.) Better rush than drugs at 13 years old. Or so I remember.

Now happily married to a great kisser (mrs arepo).

Keep it up,
SA

Whiskeymarie said...

sator- if it helps, I walked out of "Mannequin" on a date when I was 16 or 17. So yeah, that makes me older than you, which makes me REALLY fucking old.
;)

diatribes and dish said...

My first kiss was soooo great ... after a night of broomball, we went to McDonalds for hot cocoa and french fries. He was a cute musician guy, it was snowing and there were some grains of salt from the french fries still on his lips. Maybe too much information.

surviving myself said...

My first kiss involved a girl named Amy and me telling her immediately after, "You taste like cookies."

Well, she did.