Honestly y'all, my days are flying by quicker than the speed of the average Tourette's twitch.
Maybe I need to get up earlier, maybe I need to stop spending hours online looking for monkey-themed purchases, maybe I need to not enjoy plopping my ass on the couch for "Project Runway" so much, maybe I need an assistant to fetch mommy's pills from the pharmacy and make the weekly trip to stock up on cat treats, maybe I need to ditch the Mr. and be a trophy bride for a terminally ill billionaire.
I think I'll start with an assistant.
If there is anyone reading this that, by some sheer coincidence, looks exactly like me, has a semi-thick MN accent, occasionally breaks into meow-themed songs, sniffles a lot and can pretend to know how to cook- well, there's a crisp fiver, a half-eaten bag of Rolos, a new pair of tube socks and a pair of perfectly good toenail clippers for the most qualified applicant that is willing to go to work for me for the next few days. Even if you look nothing like me, I'm willing to provide a wig and makeup/wardrobe services.
I'll even let you make out with the Mr, if that sweetens the pot. I'm sure he'll understand.
Anyone interested should mail their resume, a urine sample, a video of their dancing skills, a crayon drawing of a Chimpanzee, a check for $2.76, a 500-word essay on why they love cheese, and a new toothbrush to:
Whiskeymarie VonPartypants, professional division
555 Partypants Circle
Lower Minnesota, 50001
Attn: Helper monkey Jojo
Jojo and/or Human Resources will contact you via two tin cans and a string within 2-56 weeks with your employment status.
Thank you for your interest.