Honestly y'all, my days are flying by quicker than the speed of the average Tourette's twitch.
Maybe I need to get up earlier, maybe I need to stop spending hours online looking for monkey-themed purchases, maybe I need to not enjoy plopping my ass on the couch for "Project Runway" so much, maybe I need an assistant to fetch mommy's pills from the pharmacy and make the weekly trip to stock up on cat treats, maybe I need to ditch the Mr. and be a trophy bride for a terminally ill billionaire.
I think I'll start with an assistant.
If there is anyone reading this that, by some sheer coincidence, looks exactly like me, has a semi-thick MN accent, occasionally breaks into meow-themed songs, sniffles a lot and can pretend to know how to cook- well, there's a crisp fiver, a half-eaten bag of Rolos, a new pair of tube socks and a pair of perfectly good toenail clippers for the most qualified applicant that is willing to go to work for me for the next few days. Even if you look nothing like me, I'm willing to provide a wig and makeup/wardrobe services.
I'll even let you make out with the Mr, if that sweetens the pot. I'm sure he'll understand.
Anyone interested should mail their resume, a urine sample, a video of their dancing skills, a crayon drawing of a Chimpanzee, a check for $2.76, a 500-word essay on why they love cheese, and a new toothbrush to:
Whiskeymarie VonPartypants, professional division
555 Partypants Circle
Lower Minnesota, 50001
Attn: Helper monkey Jojo
Jojo and/or Human Resources will contact you via two tin cans and a string within 2-56 weeks with your employment status.
Thank you for your interest.
I know a guy with a humpack named Igor who might work out for you.
Did somebody say ROLO'S??
Do you think JoJo could hook me up to?
Please post the pics of chimps.
Before I polish my resume, would it be alright to incorporate the urine sample in to the resume? It's to save on postage. Yeah.
I would apply, but I'm allergic to working.
Crap, I don't have any stamps. Will you please send your hunky mailman to come pick up my resume??
Cool. I can't wait to teach your kids about soyburger lasagna and the joys of bachelorette soup! Plus, our butts match so I shouldn't need too much disguising.
I would like to see a picture of the Mr. first, please.
Will the job involve changing monkey diapers?
Only 500 words about cheese? Geez, what to edit down to fit your requirement.
But you already have a monkey helper. Is he lazy on the job? I told that damned monkey to behave for you and to make sure you take your pills. I will spank that monkey if he is not doing that.
am I eligible? I mean, I've met you and the Mr., and would be totally willing to make out with either, if the job necessitated it.
I think my drinking ability more than speaks for itself
I gave you an award. Please check out my last post.
I had a helper monkey once. Until he came after me with my own corkscrew. Dang, I miss that monkey.
Hell, yeah, I think I'll advertise for one myself.
Today I spent a lot of time looking shit up for my boss because she couldn't be bothered to, opening files and printing them for her, because she doesn't know how to fucking search for files in Windows Explorer, and printing shit for her because she "can't open email attachments."
Can you tell me about your benefits package?
you didn't mention if you'd provide copious amount of wine in the winter fight against the frigid temps?
Why don't you meander over to Warped Viewings and give me some ASSistance on Must Dos before I take off for my trip today?
If we can sit around and discuss Project Runway all day, then maybe I'll consider it. Kenley is such a little rag.
Dammit, if I only had some time off from my regular job.
I think you know where I stand on the VonPartypants, Inc. HR Dept (I believe we've had this conversation before Miss El Presidente, and as far as I know Shorty is STILL DOING MY GODDA*N JOB though I am FAR more qualified! F*cking office politics. : (
My dancing skills might leave a bit to be desired, but I draw a mean chimpanzee!
How I landed on this blog I can't remember the trail...but I'm a local with an accent that mkaes Palin sound suburban and turning any lyric into a meow and/or song about my cat is the NORM in my house. Did I mention I just started a new job as an admin asst.? Such happenstance is going on... I'll settle for reading your hilarious blog! --Kelly
Mrs. Von Partypants- You, madame are cruel. I got my hopes up and then saw the address. I know that no better opportunity will come my way ever again.
see, this is why i got a "tim" and not a "mr.whisky". the "tim" model actually doubles as a man-servant/personal assistant.
you might want to upgrade, i think there's something you can download the next time you sync him with itunes.
"there's a crisp fiver, a half-eaten bag of Rolos, a new pair of tube socks and a pair of perfectly good toenail clippers for the most qualified applicant that is willing to go to work for me for the next few days. Even if you look nothing like me, I'm willing to provide a wig and makeup/wardrobe services."
I think I've got it covered but one question? Are the toenail clipper used? 'Cause if they're not fresh it's gonna poison the whole deal.
I'm pretty hairless...I barely have to shave...and the Wig thing is Very intriguing.
But your voice might be deeper than mine.
Hmmm....Let's give it a shot.
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