Friday, September 7, 2007

Nanuk's house of haute couture

My favorite time of year. Gone are the light fabrics, unwittingly exposed skin, sweaty cleavage wet spots and "flip flop" feet.

I am aching to usher in the fall clothing. Wool, cute jackets, chunky heels, tights, and sweaters, sweaters, sweaters. And boots. I miss you, boots.

I have never liked summer clothes all that much. In May & early June the novelty is still there, and the light skirts, tank tops and sandals still seem charming. By August, I'm caring so little that pajama bottoms and a stained t-shirt from 1995 seems like an acceptable outfit. I've pretty much lived in wife be**ers for the last month now. I own about 30 and have just kept up a steady rotation. It's really sad. Especially on the days I don't bother to shave my pits. Luckily the intervention I was expecting never materialized- I pictured my Mr. pinning me down while my friends cut up my offending garb, me crying and mumbling "I don't have a problem. You guys have the problem...".
I had given up hope and needed saving- it happens like clockwork for me. Until the temp holds out in the low-70's I'm a fashion retard.
Amen, sister.

Heat aside, normally I have my shit together, clothes-wise. I shop like a ninja- quick and exacting, scoring odd pieces that I can generally force into some sort of ensemble that at the very least can be called "interesting". I'm a cheap-ass tightwad when it comes to clothes too- I have never spent more than $30 on good cashmere, and I really don't think I've ever spent over $40 on a pair of jeans. And I love thrift and vintage shopping - as I've said before, I love other people's old shit. Love it. I'm so excited about clothes right now I could spank myself.
So, thank you fall. I'm happy you're back. Shopping will commence shortly.

I've been poring over catalogs, trolling the internet, looking at what I already have, and basically just trying to stop myself from draining the bank account just so I can look cute.

Not entirely sure what I'm going to get (you know I'll post pics as purchases are made), but I can tell/show you -without a doubt- a few things I'm NOT going to be sporting this fall.

(warning- these pictures are graphic- graphically ugly, that is. And, sorry to any of you that my be workin' any of these looks. You are obviously a stronger person than I am, or you are 22. You can wear anything at 22.)

These boots make me want to find each and every member of the "Bangles" and kick the crap out of them, while wearing these lovelies, of course.

Walk like an Egyptian, my ass.

Maybe I hate these more than I should, maybe I'm being unreasonable, but I truly hate these with every fiber of my being.


This is a look I like to call "when pirates mate with Eskimos".

Knickers and muk-luk-ish boots, with a ruffly shirt.

And, I suspect that is a vest peeking out at the top of the picture.

This is what happens when you leave Adam Ant (who I must say, yum yum back in the day...) and a group of Renaissance Festers locked in a room with too many bottles of ye olde mead for too long.
They end up collaborating on a fall fashion line.

Here we have the "Urban bag lady"

If an outfit makes a 5'11", 85-pound model look like, well...

I have to wonder how well any of us would fare.

But hey, honey- the cute wedgies pull it all together, don't you think?

This falls into the "seriously?" category.

From the waist down, things are fine, but that jacket.

That jacket.

Just, no.

You need to look closely at these two, click on the pic for a better look.

I bet that turquoise number will be a big hit with the S. Florida lady-retirees. I imagine they will wear it with gold tennies and swishy nylon pants with zippers at the bottoms.

I'm assuming the dress is some sort of high-end halloween joke. Or a bumblebee outfit for the rich and mentally unstable. I hope so anyways.

There seems to be a fair amount of "haute Eskimo couture" going on this year.

I am confused by this vest.

This vest makes baby jeebus cry.

And finally, visual proof of something I suspected all along:

When fashion designers get bored, they simply raid the closets of 45 year-old unmarried, cat-loving, harlequin-romance reading, painkiller-popping, diet RC cola-drinking secretaries named Delores who bought their entire wardrobe at Montgomery Ward in 1983 for inspiration.

Either that or they hate us and think it's funny when we look bad.

Happy Fall- glad it's finally here.

Oh, and- Happy Friday, my little rosebud corsages.


T said...

Are those Oreos on that jacket?

Jon said...

I'm sorry, did you say something after "sweaty cleavage wet spots"? I must've blacked out there for a second...

Whiskeymarie said...

M- Yes they are. Yes. they. are.

J- That's fine- it was all blah, blah, clothes, blah, blah, shoes...
you know- girly crap.

Stacey said...

I have that second outfit. But mine' hot pink.

C'mon you know you want to borrow it!

Chiada said...

Wow, those are some dang ugly threads! I especially love the eyes peeking out between the bumblebee stripes. I think the only redeeming thing are the earrings on the food jacket girl: they made me crave those hazelnut Rocher candies. Mmmm

Lollie said...

I'm actually doing a side by side browser thing here because I want to comment on each and every picture with a free flowing stream of consciousness. Hang on a sec...

MMmmmkay. Go:

Peter Pan booties - these were just barely okay on the guy who never grew up...who is mostly played on Broadway and lesser productions by women with short dos and even shorter bods (Sandy Duncan, Mary Lou Retton, etc.) causing me mass confusion as a child. These boots confuse me just as much. Stop it, I tell you, just stop it.

Clam diggers and fur lined footwear...clam and fur...I think I'll go no further with this one.
(Except to say, yes, Adam Ant - meow.)

The only thin even remotely acceptable in this ensemble is her fiery red hair. The fact that her eyeshadow matched this colour really disturbs me.

I think it's the Chinese lanterns she has for sleeves that's the problem here. That, and the Hannibal Lecter closures. (Wouldn't that just pull the knit? Hmm, ugly and impractical.)

I want to eat her jacket and then vomit it up on a Katrina plastic roofing sheet - oh wait! Someone already did that! It's about the purse on the Bumblebee Chic. I'd say, "How cute," if my 4-year-old niece came over with that filled with the real versions of Turquoise Girl's jacket on Halloween, but in any other circumstance and on anyone else...GROW UP!

I want a hairy midriff and pit muffs too.

That top is so violent it ate her hand. Cuff number two looks as though its opening up Jaws style and is about to do the same on the left. That roiling skirt looks like it's getting ready to charge her hoo-ha. I'd be very cautious model-lady. Very. Cautious.

Amaya said...

I am less excited about autumn (mostly because of my respective location) than you but I am excited to go shopping. Doing some tonight actually. I have to be in the right mood since I"m not actually a big shopper but I sense I'll be spending way too much money this evening. So fun!

Disco and Dexter - Friends at Best said...

I used have Bumblebee Lady's bag in elementary school as a backpack!

Whiskeymarie said...

"That top is so violent it ate her hand."

I'm sitting at my desk at work laughing to myself. As if they didn't already think I was "odd"...

Nocturnal said...

I'm firmly convinced high priced fashion is about standing out and looking like shit, amazing what the posh lifestyles will do for attention.


Katrin said...

What are "wife be**ers"?

Kate said...



(The last girl's shirt is inspired by Hannibal Lechter.)

-R- said...

I have always aspired to look like an Eskimo Pirate so I am so pumped for fall fashion!

Whiskeymarie said...

I'm referring to "wife beaters", or men's tank top undershirts. I'm not sure if the ladies wear them where you live, but boy howdy do we ever here. They are actually pretty trashy and low class, but I am trashy and low class, so there you go.
I bleep it out because it is considered poor taste to call an article of clothing a "wife beater".
But hey- that's what they're called. I didn't start it. At least I don't recall starting it.
The end.
Please, no comments on why I should or shouldn't use the term. Let's move on now...

TwistedNoodle said...

I was directed here yesterday by Wide Lawns and I have to say I think you are hilarious. Love your site.

As far as the fashion statements in the pics, well, um.. I dared to click the photo and OMFG, the dress has eyes, several pairs in fact. And the purse she is sporting looks like Sponge Bob disguised as a bandit. What the hell are these people smoking?

LittlePea said...

Heehee! I like summer clothes dammit! Stop invoking the god's of fall/winter! And you're hot, I know you are-I can tell, you probably look really chic in wife beaters.

Am I committing blasphemy by telling you I've never owned a pair of boots and I HATE sweaters? Don't despair, I plan to buy some this winter....

LaLa said...

The creepy eyeballs peeking out of the stripes on that Venetian blind dress are just WRONG.

I had a piano teacher in the 5th grade who would have LOVED the candy and ice cream coat and earrings.

BJB said...

I think underboob sweat is the worst thing about summer. And I love boots too. I love fall. Winter...not so much.

Butrfly Garden said...

I am so with you on the fall thing. I was too fat to wear my boots the last two falls, so I'm REALLY excited for them this year (having good jeans to wear with them is a must, and I had no good jeans that fit).

I've been staring longingly at my long sleeved shirts.

My summer wardrobe consists of two long skirts and a pair of SJP shorts. My office is 68 degrees in the summer and I have central air. Summer is mearly a change in scenery for me. Except for my car rides home, that is. That's why I find my favorite outfit during the summer is a wife beater under an old men's dress shirt (They are so much more comfortable when they're old). Then when I leave work, I take off the top shirt and wear my WB in the car with heat sweltered pride.

(You are the Queen of Horrid Fashion commentary, do you know that?)

thethinker said...

That last outfit is hideous.

The only thing I like about fall is the sweaters. In Texas I don't have to worry about pants (which are only to be worn in December & January) or boots or any of that.

McGone said...

I will be turning "Shop Like A Ninja" into a logo I can apply to various shirts and hats. I'll cut you in on the profits.

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

My eyes! My eyes! I've gone blind for a moment. Help me!

Winter said...

Er, is it wrong that I like some of those?

Or own some of them..

Mair said...

Her vest may make the baby jeebus cry, but her waist just CONFOUNDS me.

nancypearlwannabe said...

I think I saw one of my students wearing that Eskimo vest the other day. For serious.

Wide Lawns said...

I tell you what, I need to find out where I can get some of those turquoise oreo cookie jackets. I can pay for my grad school tuition for the next 3 years and have enough money left to go to Disney World, if I pull up to one of the old folks communities around here with those babies for sale.

Katrin said...

Thanks for the explanation! I had a quite unsatisfying guessing game going: bellers, betters, beggers... I haven't seen anyone wearing those here. Also, I am not so sure if any guy under 50 wears them. But I know what you mean, I watch TV - I am THAT educated.

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

And I thought I dressed badly.

Stefanie said...

I'm still reluctant to give up the sandals, but it surprised me when I looked in my closet today and realized I had no interest whatsoever in my cute summer skirts anymore. Hello, fall. Better get used to you.

Cherann said...

I feel comforted in knowing that a striped outfit can make even a rail thin model look healthy.