Friday, September 14, 2007

Anything you can do, I can do better...

You know this person.
We ALL know this person.

With a few cocktails, perhaps we have, briefly, been this person.

Who, you ask?

The person I like to call the "One Upper"

If you've done it once, they've done it 14 times backwards.

You broke your arm once skiing? Well, did I ever tell you about the time I broke every bone in my body except for one toe bone when I was bobsledding with the Jamaican Bobsled team and Katie Couric in the Swiss Alps? Funny have a few minutes?

You know this person.

I am blessed to know several/way too many One Uppers.

One, who I'll call "Fester", works at my place of employment. We share an office with 4 other people, so conversation is inevitable. Sometimes we have typical, somewhat productive exchanges with one another, but normally I find myself cursing myself afterward, pissed at the 15-20 minutes of my life I'll never get back. Example:
Fester: "So, how are your classes going?"
Me: "Good, for the most part."
F: "For the most part? Uh-oh, that doesn't sound good."
Me: "Well, I just have a couple of problem students that are making things a little difficult."
F: "Problems? How?"
Me: "Well, I have one with a Heroin problem and the other one, I think, is smoking crack. Plus the one started talking about guns and knives the other day in class. I'm a little worried."
F: "Did I ever tell you about Bob Bobson?"
Me: (sensing that I was about to age considerably but seeing no way out) "Um, no."
F: "Bob was my student and wasn't doing so well in class. I had a little talk with him suggesting that he find another career to pursue, which he didn't seem to agree with. So one day Bob just stopped showing up, and I figured that was that. But he started showing up at my house, and I would see him wherever I went. The grocery store, the bank, even at my colonoscopy, there he was. He started following my family, and tried to start dating my daughter. He became more and more destructive. I called the cops, but they said there wasn't anything they could do as he technically hadn't broken any laws. Finally, he went too far. He followed us on our yearly vacation to the lake."
Me: "Really? Holy cow!"
F: "Yeah, we go to Cape Lear every summer. Nice place. Well, things got pretty heated that year, and Bob didn't come out of it so well, that's all I'm saying."
Me: "Um..."
F: "Well, I've got a meeting. Good luck with your 'problem' students."
Me: "...?"

And, well, you get it.

In the food industry we seem to have more than our fair share of these charmers. Being a debaucherous bunch, for the most part, leaves most of us with piles of really juicy stories about everything from abrupt and dramatic job exits to who snogged who in dry storage. I have piles, Ms. Mecca has piles, Stacy has piles... but we know how to dole them out and use them primarily for good, comedic relief, rather than evil (usually). But over and over in this business you meet "that guy" (or girl) who has done all of it, been everywhere, cooked everything, fucked everyone (literally and figuratively), and luckily, lived to tell about it.
Lucky for us. Wheeeee!

Typical interaction with this type, who I'll call "Douchie"

Me: "Hey Douchie! How's the job going? Are you still at Snooty's?"
Douchie: "Snooty's? Christ, I quit that job months ago. You know the owner is wanted for Murder, don't you?" (You know this is a lie. Everyone in the business already knows that Douchie got unceremoniously fired for smoking weed in the wine cellar a week ago and the owner is just having tax problems. But, you keep this to yourself.)
Me: "No, I didn't know. Sorry. I thought you liked that job? Too bad- I like Snooty's. I think the food there is really good, really interesting."
Douchie: "Seriously? You have got to be joking. That place was so beneath me. I mean, I trained (um, worked one week and left in tears, I heard. But do go on) at Chez Fancypants in New York, for christ's sake! I could run Snooty's with my eyes closed. In fact, I pretty much was running the place. People thought I was the owner all the time. Jorge, the 'real' owner was begging me to come on as a partner but I just didn't want to. You of all people know how fickle the business is, right? If I have my own place I'll be much smarter about it- I mean than Jorge, not you of course. But hey- what are you up to these days?"
Me: "Oh, I'm teaching now. I love the hours and the pay rocks."
Douchie: "Yeah, I'm thinking about teaching at Le Fancypants du Blanc. They're totally bugging me to run one of their programs. They offered me a $90k gig, but I don't know- I think I'd miss the biz. And- no offense- but, I feel like my talent would be wasted there, you know?"
(You last heard he was delivering gourmet pizzas part-time)
Me: "Yeah, you might get bored. I don't, but hey."
Douchie: "Hey! Did you know that Wolfblitzer VonDuck contacted me about possibly doing training for his new place?"
Me: "No, I didn't. I thought he was going to have Helga St.Stern do that."
Douchie: "That's just what the papers are saying, but it's not true. Wolfblitzer's people called me directly. (about "missing" information on his job application. Specifically, the "previous employment" section wasn't filled out properly. Douchie had just written: "Let's talk, its a long story.")
Me: "That's great Douchie! I hope whatever you pick works out for you- but I have to go. You know, work and stuff."
Douchie: "Hey! Good to see you too. And, not that I would necessarily do it, but if anything opens up where you work..."


Another example. This one involves myself and the woman that I cater for who we'll call Dramatiste. I know she's done a lot, and I know that she knows a ton of people, but puh-lease already! It's starting to get silly:

Me: "I went to Chez Poopybum for dinner last night. Have you been there yet?"
Dramatiste: "Yes! What did you think?"
Me: "It was o.k, nothing special"
Dramatiste: "Really? I thought it was great. What did you order?"
Me: "Well, I had the fried baby deer eyelashes followed by an entree of braised wood sprites in a baby tear reduction and we had the candied rare stinkflower sorbet with monkey milk foam for dessert."
Dramatiste: "Well, I can see why you didn't think it was that good. You didn't order anything interesting. Don't you know the owner? Well, I do, and she always makes me something special as I am her very best friend and we hung out with Andy Warhol and Lou Reed and we created the very idea of food, and we were like rock stars and got in everywhere and know everyone and we hang out with Yoko Ono, and we taste food better and differently than you do, and we singlehandedly developed the concept of food on a plate, and...

Well, again- you get it.

I simply can't take it anymore. I can't stand the one-upper. I'm just going to start slapping them, one by one, as a service to everyone else.

You can thank me later.


On a side note:
The fall shopping has begun!
I bought these along with some sweaters, etc... here the other night after hanging out with my girls M & S for a few drinkies:

I wasn't even drunk.

I can't wait to get them delivered. Plus I got free express shipping to boot. (Ba-dum-dum. Yes, just call me Shecky)

I will wear the crap out of these lovelies. With jeans, skirts, metallic orange name it.

Have a good weekend, my little deep-fried angel wings coated in opium-poppy syrup and sprinkled with candied love.

And p.s. I will make an honest effort to get caught up on all your posts at your respective blogs this weekend. I know I've been a bit m.i.a.
It's been a looooong week, my dears. Long.


McGone said...

By the way, I want to punch Douchie in the face. Hard. Excellent characterization there.

McGone said...

I wrote a post like this once.

It was linked to by a whole bunch of other blogs and was on CNN at one point. I think they made a movie out of it. Some guy -Spielstein, Spielburk, Spiel-something - directed it. I hear George Clooney played me. I'm not sure because I don't have time for the cinema these days, what with the all the trips the UN has been sending me on with Bono and Angelina.

CDP said...

I did punch him in the face. I also punched Osama Bin Laden in the face...that's why he only releases audiotapes these days.

lizgwiz said...

Orange hotpants, really? I'D wear them with nothing but a metallic orange G-string. Plus MY boots would be thigh-highs. Which were personally delivered to my house by George Clooney. ;)

Stacey said...

Umm, I bought some boots like that and not only did I get free shipping I actually got them for free.
What's that you say - I initially said I bought them ...
well yeah I did but I really didn't mean it. I mean I do have a lot of money and I do buy lots of things...but the boot like yours those I got for free. You should know the people I know.

Gretta said...

Um, yeah, I invented the Blog. 20 years ago. I also invented boots. Probably a little earlier than 20 years ago. I also gave birth to each of you. All at the same time. While wearing the boots I made. And blogging about difficult childbirth.

Gretta said...

P.S. THANK YOU for having a photo of pretty boots, and not the crap that came out of your drain.
Those boots rock, and if you promise that you are not a size 8, I'll tell you to check Amazon for shoes.

Failcooks said...

I just snorted my coffee that I made with free-trade organic beans picked by Columbian leper virgins. Holy Christ lady, you are a nut. I heart you.

abbersnail said...

See, if you'd gone with the braised elephant penis with hollandaise sauce you'd have been so much happier.

That's all I'm saying.

Christa said...

i used to have one of those t'shirts with a glittery iron-on patch that said "anything boys can do, girls can do better."

your title reminded me of that.

i wore the shirt before i could read, though. so people would just look at my chest and laugh. [this was a sort of introduction to the rest of my life. an internship, if you will]

anyway, funny post. cute boots.

Failcooks said...

I mean Lou Reed? Seriously? How do you come up with this shit? I just re-read this, and I'm still chortling. Ah, pure genius.

Sean said...

Crap I was taking a friend to Chez Poopybum tonight and was going to get the same food. Screw that I guess we'll go to the Pelican Club now. Enjoyed the post but I'll pass on the sweaters still too hot here. Enjoy your weekend.

Suze said...

and apparently one of the top three "worst" typists and spell checkers. I rock.

Suze said...

Give me a call and I help you slap all those one uppers. I've been told that I'm the besst girl fighter in the United State and in small Cuban towns. Slap slap

Whiskeymarie said...

McGone- I am humbled in your presence. How is Angelina these days? She's looking awfully fat.

cdp- I knew there was a reason...

Lizgwiz- Sigh. My boots were delivered by Dane Cook. I kicked him in the balls and didn't give him a tip.

Other WM- I want to know the people you know, so I can turn them against you and then I'll get all the stuff for free. Hahahaha!

travelg- Thanks for inventing the blog, Mom. Oh, and I'm a size 9, so we won't have to arm-wrestle for the cute shoes. And, I WANT to only post pics of cute things, but my inner evil 12 year-old boy likes gross stuff. Sorry.

Abbs- Maybe you could make the elephant penis dish for your dinner party this weekend.

Mec- I LOVE the Columbian leper virgin coffee? Have you tried the scones baked by the singing hunchback eunichs? No? Well, then you simply haven't lived, my dear.

Christina- Sorry about the chestage giggles. I'm sure they're bigger now than they were then, so you've got that going for you.

Sean- If you're going to the pelican club, you simply MUST try the pan-seared albatross with blowfish sauce. Divine.

Suze- We'll slap the shit out of them, between the two of us. Then we'll go to cuba and drink rum, get drunk and slap more people.

Jon said...

I have this imaginary blog friend who's always trying to one-up me by writing wicked funny posts on her blog. And not just once a week like normal bloggers; I'm talking daily one-upsmanship.

Some people, right?

Fran said...

One time, when I was living with a few friends, one who had really long jet black hair.

No. Not that.

I have this elliptical in my - that will never fly, my ass really is that big.

Oh forget it, I can't one up you sister.

But I did buy these boots recently and they...

Great post. That is what I always think it should be. And always is WM, always is.

Cherann said...

They seem more like lets talk about me people to me. Kinda like my MIL and SIL. Except that first person with the creepy student.

Was the woman that is best friends with the owner of the strange restaurant my MIL?

Stacy said...

OMG! I LOOOOOVE Chez PoopyBum! The Pope and I dined there last week after he gave me a German lesson. (he pencils me in once a quarter).

Seriously, we know waaaay too many of those type of people. And your post made me love you just that much more.

Katrin said...

Lovely boots!

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Murder should be legal if you off one of those pricks. Unfortunately for me I have one uppers in my family, I try to avoid them at all costs.

BadWims said...

You call them 'one uppers,' but I call them 'five minute guys.' A buddy of mine coined the term for people who you know you can't stand after being around them for only five minutes.

Usually, they corner you at a party and talk incessantly about their boring-ass jobs or their kids or their boats.

I found that the best way to escape them is much like the way you can fend off an attacking shark. Just beat them about the nose and gouge the eyes. That's their weak spot.

Lollie said...

These are also the people who talk incessantly about themselves for a full 45 minutes and then kindly turn to you and say, "Well, enough about me, what about you?...what do you think of me?"

Nocturnal said...

Well done, I think you're definitely capable little lady.


metalia said...

PS: I ADORE your gorgeous brown wedge boots. Purty!

metalia said...

Oh, the one upper. God, I know the type. Please PLEASE tell me you've seen these before? (Yes, I am an SNL whore. I've embraced that part of myself, and so should you.)

domboy said...

That's nothing! I knew a guy once who, after I told him the rules or rugby, turned around 10 minutes later and told me the same rules as if he was some kind of rugby aficionado ... oh, wait, have I missed the point of this blog?

Rebecca said...

yes - slap away. and slap hard.

Nature Girl said...

UGH! Those people drive me nuts...I've known more than a few and I just want to slap them every time. I WILL thank you for it! LOL

Butrfly Garden said...

oh, oops, now I see someone already directed you. (sry, dont have time to read all the comments...barely getting time to read the posts!!)

Butrfly Garden said...

Ha! There is a skit on SNL about One-Uppers!!!!! Have you seen it? Slapping does seem to be the only solution. Although playing along could be as fun. :)