Monday, September 24, 2007

Eau de sirloin, also available in Eau de toilet.

We had some pretty amazing storms last week, and one on Thursday was particularly fun and nasty.

I was at work, well- working, and one of my students walks in the kitchen and says, "there seems to be a river running down the hallway."


I went out and checked, and sure enough, there was a river running down the hallway. There may or may not have also been a bear catching salmon as they swam upstream- I'm not entirely sure my memory is reliable.

About a minute later we were told that we had to evacuate the building- immediately. Or, as they politely put it, GET OUT NOW!!!!!!

So, we quickly put all of our prep in the coolers, cleaned up as well as you can in 3.4 seconds, and got the hell out.

Unfortunately, it never occurred to any of us that the power would be getting turned off. And I never really even entertained the thought that said power would be off for about 24+ hours, which it was. Actually, once I figured out I had Friday off, paid (!!), I pretty much entered into the "long weekend zone" where shopping is plentiful and work becomes an ugly memory not entirely unlike high school prom. All weekend my face had a delirious smile and glazed "Valley of the Dolls"-like expression.

The building was closed Friday and Saturday. We weren't allowed into the building until today, so I had no idea what I was getting myself into until I opened up the cooler door. Dumb, dumb move, my dear.

I now know what death smells like.

It smells like four different kinds of rotting meat, mixed with various produce in different stages of mold growth. If you've never smelled truly rotten beef or chicken, well...I'll tell you this- It kind of takes your breath away and makes one wonder if one will be revisiting the eggs that one had for breakfast, the smell is so amazingly putrid. I feel like the stink has seeped into my pores as it took nearly 45 minutes to clean the damn thing out.

Hi, my name is Whiskeymarie and I just stepped in the Bog of Eternal Stench.


So, how did I spend my pre-stinkypants three-day weekend? Here are some highlights, in bullet points for your squishy comfort:

  • Shopping at the MOA with my gal Blondie on Friday. I put a nice little dent in the bank account buying yet more sweet fall booty. Someone please take my check card away before I end up living in a van down by the river. Blondie, however, beat me by a mile or twelve in the spending department, for once. Her snazzy new Swavorski braclet and ring make me happy she is my friend and that maybe someday I can borrow them and not give them back. We also had two martinis with lunch. Yes, two. Judge all you want- I know you're just jealous.
  • Me & the Mr. went to a play Saturday night. Shakespeare's Coriolanus at a little theater in Mpls. For a former English Lit. major, I really could take old William or leave him, but I wanted culture, dammit, and I will not be denied. Plus, the Mr's cousin was in the play. It was a lovely night out and just what my existentially-challenged mind needed.
  • Sunday was supposed to be my all-day-in-jammies-no-showering day, but we got invited to dinner at our friend's place, and me not wanting to cook overruled me not wanting to bathe. Food tastes so damn good when other people cook it.

Now I'm tired, I have a boatload of work to do in the next two hours, and I smell like an un-airconditioned slaughterhouse on a 95-degree day.


But I had a pretty great weekend. Hope y'all did too.

Happy Monday, my little meat puppets.


CDP said...

Nice. That was like listening to my husband (cop) telling me in grisly detail and at merciless length exactly what it's like to find a DOA in an un-airconditioned house in the middle of July. He always tells me that he can smell it for 3 days after, so you should be fine by Thursday!

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

I'm glad someone is getting some sweet fall booty because I sure as heck ain't.

Devilham said...

When I worked the breakfast shift at a place called Davio's, the night cleaners kept on getting water in the plastic bins that held the potato bags (50lbr's), one morning when pulling out a bag, the bottom broke open, and 50lbs of spoild potatos sloshed on the ground at my feet. I threw up for 10 minutes, and when the chef came in later that morning I read him the riot act, I mean sheesh, the potato bins were on wheels, there was no reason for the cleaners to leave them under the shelves while they washed the shelves. Long story short (well, long actually, but you get it) the smell of rotting potatos is pretty goddamn awful as well, you have my sympathies.

Christa said...

i took a road trip to nashville, memphis a few years ago with two friends and while it was quite hellish, my friend hank said my favorite quote of all time about the smell of rotting chicken coming from the cooler:

it smells like we've been transporting organs cross country.

Butrfly Garden said...

Yuck. You couldn't make facilities clean it up? It WAS their fault, right? I would say, "The janitor can come clean it up NOW, or he can come clean it up after I've vomitted several times. You pick." But that's just me. ;)

Shopping sounds splendid. And TWO cocktails? You lush! (Can you feel the jealousy?)

Suze said...

Damn, I'll buy the two of you drinks for two hours - if you borrow your friends new jewelry and then let me borrow it.

Sean said...

I used to turn dead animals into skeletons in grad school and know that smell well. And believe me you will smell it on yourself for a couple of days while your friends tell you that they don't smell a thing. Liars!! Also does that lack of power explain this guy? Although it looks like he was visiting from Denver.

By the way did you send the leftover food to Chez Poopybum to serve?

Nature Girl said...

While I truely love the stories you tell, I find myself waiting with anticipation each time wondering what you are going to call us next. meat puppets. Love it. I might use that one tonite at bedtime, I'll let you know how it goes. I won't. ;P
rotting chicken I swear is the worlds worst stench ever. Whenever I get a whiff of it, it turns me off chicken for months, and chicken is my favorite of the meat family. I could in no way shape or form have stayed to clean that up, I guarantee you the mess would have triplicated and someone would have an even worse mess to clean up, I'd have been laying there in a puddle of my own vomit, useless.
2 martinis? Yeah, I AM jealous!

aubrey said...

oooh, i really really really want to go shopping for fall clothes. but i'm trying to be strong and not spend. i'm not sure how much longer i can last. glad you had a good weekend. sorry you smell like an un-airconditioned slaughterhouse on a 95-degree day. that's disgusting.

Domestically Disabled Girl said...

gross. totally gross! and also blissfully entertaining, as usual.

i'm totally not into shopping and cocktails, so you didn't make me jealous there. (i'm also a bad liar)

Whiskeymarie said...

cdp- Ooh, I love gross crime scene stuff. Is that wrong?

Monkeyman- Ain't no booty like the fall booty...

Devilham- God, I forgot about rotten potato stink. I have an iron stomach, but stinky taters make me want to barf.

Christina- Sounds like a potential second job? Maybe?

Butrfly- unfortunately, almost nothing makes me puke. Seriously. I'm a freak like that. Plus I like the janitors- I need to keep them on my side.

Suze- you should see the bracelet. It's so fucking awesome I would beat a stranger up in an alley for it. But Blondie deserves it, and I love her so she is safe. For now.

Sean- that smell you describe sounds even worse than my smell. Ick. You'll also note tonight's special at Chez Poopybum: "bloody chicken colons wrapped in putrid beef with mystery sauce". Mmmm...

Oh Stacie, my lovely little sweater puppet, my darling marshmallow covered meatball, my beloved bellybutton lintball...

Aubrey- I had tons of willpower about this shopping thing until it all disappeared one night. The only details I can give you about that night: wine. boots. check card. wine. sweater. check card. wine...and so on.

DDG- Yes, I relapsed into grossness. I't's my nature, why fight it? Oh, and I hate cocktails and shopping too. Ick.

Stefanie said...

Knowing what was in store for you after the weekend would totally have justified a THREE-martini lunch!

Stacy said...

Oooooh sweet jeebus. Unfortunately, I know that smell alllll too well. At MCTC, the walk-ins were serviced by the HVAC students. They went down about every other week. BLECH.

Although, nothing compares to the fish/seafood walk-in @ Aquavit going down on a Sunday nite and no one discovering it until Tues morning. Baaaaaaarrrrrf.

Rebecca said...

I mean "Hilary and I" dammit

Rebecca said...

Hilary and I turned the fridge off at our business for two weeks once (over christmas Holiday)We forgot that one of our customers had given us a whole lot of freshly caught fish which we'd put in the freezer....

When we got back to work we were surprised (really) that someone hadn't called the police.

And I'm jealous of those two martinis...particularly because I'm not drinking until Friday night (Hilary have vowed off alcohol for a week to reassure ourselves that we're not alcoholics....'tis very boring)

Disco and Dexter - Friends at Best said...

Great, now I have to watch the Labyrinth.

Katrin said...

When we were on a holiday in Greece for two weeks we rented a moped (a bike with a motor).
It was extremely hot (Greece, summer...).
On that particular island they had a lot of stray cats.
Stray cats run across the street constantly.
The get smashed (about one cat every 50 meters).
We were stuck in a traffic jam for about two hours, late one sunny afternoon.

A wonderful holiday memory. :)

P.S.: I don't believe they have street cleaners in that part of the country.

Stacey said...

Ok, this made me think of the CSI episode where Grissom tells Sarah she smells like death.
She can't seem to shake the stench of the rotting corpse they found.

To bad blogs aren't scratch and sniff.
Or wait...maybe that is a smell I never need to experience