Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Yes- your ass looks fat in those pants. Yes it does.

Dear Victoria's Secret:

Last time I checked, you were in the business of making women look and feel sexy, or at the very least look and feel not fat, not frumpy, and not like sad, stumpy 80's throwbacks.

Guess I was wrong. So very, very, very, horribly wrong. Wrong like mixing tequila and cottage cheese wrong. Wrong like picking your nose with a fork wrong.

My answer to the question, "Hey Whiskey- will you be wearing the hottest trend in pants according to Victoria's secret this year?"

Um...

...NO

NO

OH HELL NO

Cause we all know that pleated, tapered pants look really hot and don't make the average woman look like she's got two ziplocs filled with rice pudding taped to her lower abdomen and outer thighs. What woman doesn't want to add on 10-15 pounds, visually? While you're at it, How about working some appliqued sweatshirts into next year's line? I hear watermelons are all the rage in Milan right now:


This time, VS- this time you've gone too far. Thanks for putting the "pear" back in "pear-shaped".

Ugh. As in, UGLY. You can expect to receive a summons from the fashion police in 7-10 working days.

Hugges and kisses dotted with a heart over the "i"-

-Whiskeymarie VonPartypants

30 comments:

John said...

Victoria lost me when Stephanie Seymour's contract was up. Think Clive, Whiskey. She was my equivalent. : )

Shanster said...

I bought something from VS back in college and I remember thinking sausage and casing. Never bought nuthin' no mo'.

Sornie said...

Don't confuse me with a fashion guru but the first outfit resembles parachute fabric fastened close to the body in a few places. My biggest gripe is that it would be a pain to remove in the heat of the moment.

Gwen said...

Wrong like getting a second job as a cleaning lady for a peep show theater and not understanding you'll be cleaning up jizz all day.

I did the 80s thing in the 80s when I was a good 20 pounds lighter. It's not happening again.

Jeannie said...

Not to mention - what the fuck is a 13 year old doing on the back cover of the latest issue - are we promoting pedophilia now?

punchlinewalking said...

And somehow it still manages to look super slutty.

Cora said...

They must think we'll buy anything. Clearly.

SkylersDad said...

I don't know fashion, but I do know spines. And the top model need an adjustment before her curve gets any worse.

EmBee said...

ATTENTION, ATTENTION, Calling all soccer mom's... Your pants are now considered sexy, I repeat, your pants are now considered sexy!

Suze said...

VS lost me when they priced their freakin' bras at 65.00. I mean really - tube socks can do the same job. Or is that just me? Hello?

Lollie said...

Has nobody really mentioned the fluffy, puffy, lavendar/mauve tops on these chics? WTF? I f]didn't even do that fugliness in the 80s (I was too busy with neon!).

i am playing outside said...

silly whiskey, you're supposed to wear all three of those pants at the same time. that's where the fashion is. the models are showing which three pairs to wear. you get to pick the layering order.

Organic Meatbag said...

I bet if you wear that watermelon sweater, you'll have to watch over your shoulder to make sure that Gallagher doesn't try to smash you with a giant mallet...

Jon said...

Yes, I too want to get the pants off of those models. (Wait, that's not what you meant?)

diatribes and dish said...

Why can't mid-rise, boot cut jeans just be the rage all the time? They make people (even those like me, with a little cushion for the pushin) look good.

bereccah said...

Anyone else have the urge to give these VS models a sandwich? The fashion industry needs to come up with something new and good, not just recycle something old and bad.

Mojito said...

Huh. And I thought only their lingerie made me feel like a cow... Nice.

Fancy Schmancy said...

Hideous. Didn't do it the first time, won't do it the second.

gorillabuns said...

i do everything in my power NOT to wear highwaters.

elle michelle said...

Shameful.

JennyMac said...

myself, I prefer to wear the Watermelon sweater with the harem pants. Those are uber hot.

LOL. This post was fabulous.

Stefanie said...

Ugh. This is why I can't stand shopping anymore. Someone wake me when this 80s resurgence is over, will you?

John said...

I thought you didn't wear pants...

TheHermanator said...

Gotta agree with everybody on the UhG factor here. Both the scrawny models and the clothes remind me of the eighties, when I spent way too much money packing cocaine up the noses of skinny Ho's dressed just like these VS models ! Not Good fashion, or Good memories !
Code Word = Munde,
Meaning = The day before Tuesde

Anonymous said...

Geez - why not just design some pants made from hefty garbage bags?! Hell, whats the point of being "fashionably rail-thin" if you're only going to cover-up them hot bones?! Really now!!
~ Renata1967

Freida Bee, MD said...

I hate to be the devil's advocate here, but Whiskey, you should be wearing that top shirt, loose and flowing, and those boots in black with holey mauve and black tiger print stretch pants.

It's what you were born to do.
Don't resist it.

Wide Lawns said...

Not only am I horrified by the cut and shape of those pants, I am also profoundly disturbed, like disturbed to the point of having post traumatic flashbacks, over the color combination in those outfits. Mauve and grey? For real? No, really? REALLY?? Is this 1988 all over again? Are mirrored walls and splatter paint next people??

Mommy Lisa said...

Ugh. VS should be ticketed for this horrendous collection.

Anonymous said...

Hey Whiskey,

I saw Kim Kardashian wearing these butt ass ugly mofos on TMZ, (yes, I am a fan)((of BOTH!)), and they trashed them as MC Hammer pants.(why am I capitalizing "hammer"?...oh yeah buzzed, thus-this amazing run on sentence.) Anyways, nice to see you on Friday, and thanks for the email update.

Amaya said...

I am not a fan of VS clothing. In fact, I'm not a fan of their other stuff either. I have a hard time believing a woman comes up with these designs because they are in no way comfortable and half the time they aren't even flattering.
Man, now I'm pissed off!