Tuesday, March 24, 2009

I poop on you, Gwen.

When I started blogging, I had no idea how many cool, funny, interesting and socially misfitted people like myself were out there. I've developed friendships with many of you, actually met some of you, and probably don't remember drunkenly calling/e-mailing others of you.
One of my most favoritest peoples that I've met here is my shorter, funnier, "separated at birth" girl, Gwen. I realized pretty quickly after she started popping up in my comments that she and I were kindred spirits. We both love monkeys, we both swear too much, we both say and do inappropriate things at what is usually exactly the wrong moment, every time. I love her to death, and now I can officially say that I've seen her naked.

To explain...
A while back, me & Gwennie got a bug up our collective bums to visit one another. Originally she was to come to MN to see me, but circumstances/timing/etc... made this difficult. This past Monday I was just checking out how much it would cost for me to visit her, and when a ridiculously low price popped up, I made the decision that if the monkey can't come to Whiskey, the Whiskey will go to the monkey. A few squealing phone calls and a few days later, I was greeted in the St. Louis airport by none other than Lady G.

She had a full day planned for us, and the first stop was at the amazing farmer's market for bloodies and shopping (yes, they sell bloodies at the FARMER'S MARKET. I decided right then and there that I need to move there).

Here I am outside the market:

At the market. Note the worried look on Gwen's face. Poor girl had NO idea what she was getting into...

After picking up stuff for dinner, we stopped for sandwiches. I had some sort of meat extravaganza, the remnants of which can be seen here. It was so freaking good that Gwen wanted to lick the tissue:

After a few more stops for incidentals (best grocery stores ever- two fab Italian markets for salty meat things, cheese, wine & bread, tuna for ceviche, etc...) we went back to Gwen's adorable house and just relaxed. We cooked together, drank sangria, sat in her back yard and got to know one another, and then I corrupted her kitties by feeding them too much catnip.
I freaking LOVED her kitties. Max slept at my head both nights and Skylar totally didn't pee on my bed, which I think means he liked me. Gwen's friend H came over, we giggled a lot. All in all, day one was a success:

The next day, I woke up and snuggled with this guy. For having shared an entire batch of sangria, two bottles of wine and several Jack & cokes, I felt pretty good.

We went to brunch at a place called Three Monkeys, but much to my disappointment there were no monkeys to be seen, on the buffet or otherwise. Liars.

The one "touristy" thing I wanted to do was to go up in the arch, as I had been to St. Louis once before to visit the Bowling Hall of Fame (no, not kidding), but had no idea you could actually go in it. I am not smart.

There was a buttload of people there, so we waited in line for tickets. Oddly enough, while we were waiting to get in, a guy behind me goes "Ooh, are yoo from Minnesoooda? Yoo betcha!"
I thought he was making fun of me, but turns out he & his wife were from the St. Paul area too. What a small world.
We had an hour or so to kill before we could go into the little pod thingies that carry you to the top, so we first watched a 1960's film about the making of the arch. It was all crackly and everyone in it was smoking, generally while working hundreds of feet up without any safety gear. Scary.

Then we went into the museum and harassed the animitronic displays:

If you've never been up in the arch, you should try it sometime. They pack five people into a "pod" that is roughly the size of the trunk of a car, and then run you up to the top. If you are afraid of tight spaces, this would probably kill you.
It is kind of crowded at the top, and the windows to look out are really tiny, but the view is amazing. It's kind of scary to look down and see the little specks of people.

Here is Gwenzilla giving the arch a little lick before she took a big bite:

I love you, Mr. big, imposing stainless-steel arch. Mwah.

After the arch, we drove around in Gwen's convertible and just looked at stuff.
Gwen seems to know everything about everything in her city. Seriously- she knows more about St. Louis than I know about how babies are made. She should be a tour guide to people other than just me.

Then, after the touristy stuff, and the "getting to know you" stuff and the "let's behave" stuff...
...well, we took the gloves off, baby.

We started by doing a "progressive drinking" tour of an area called "the loop". Beers and a bloody at Blueberry Hill, a martini at someplace called the Del Mar, wine and a sausage at somewhere that I don't remember the name of, and finally much needed dinner (and more wine) at another restaurant that I can't remember.

Then we ditched the car and walked to a bar by Gwen's house, where we met our new friend Gary:

Three or four more cocktails and one bar closing later, we started the walk home. For some reason I thought it would be funny to pretend to poop in a dumpster:

...Which started a whole series of "I poop on you" photos (edited for your NC-17 pleasure).

Next up, the washing machine:

And the dishwasher:

And Gwen's big jar of change:

And her plant:

And her toaster oven:

And the scary terlet in her basement:

Classy broads, we are.

Then we decided to play "dance party with costumes" until 4:30 in the morning.
Here I am wearing a bridesmaid's dress from Gwen's wedding with a feathered hat, a spongebob squarepants necklace and a jester hat.

You will note that this is the same outfit, only on Gwen this time.
Yes, we have seen each other nekkid, and no, we're not giving you details, pervs.

Mmmm...heart. Yum.

Then she got all bossy on me and made me go to bed. God, she's such a rag sometimes.

The flight home was...interesting. First off, we forgot to set an alarm (big surprise, drunkys) and we woke up just before 10 and my plane was to leave at 10:55. I believe I was still drunk.
I basically threw everything in my suitcase (accidentally leaving 1/4 of what I brought behind), threw real clothes on and we jumped in the car. Gwen broke the land speed record and got me there with 10 minutes to spare.
I was TOTALLY zonked on Ativan, and I had two bloody marys on the flight (though I dumped 2/3 of the second one in my lap. The best part was me giggling to myself on the small plane and taking pictures. I seriously have like 20 from the flight home, 4-5 of which are of my cocktail-soaked crotch).
I played Yahtzee and tried to not get arrested by the airplane police.

Overall, it was a stinking good trip.

Thanks for everything Gwen! Next time you can come here and we'll trash MY house- deal?


Some Guy said...

Excellent! Those faux-pooping photos were just what the doctor ordered. I'm glad you crazy kids had fun.

CDP said...

Hilarious. You're both quite mad.

LegalMist said...

Awesome! I knew we could count on you for the "real poop" and all the photo-documented details!!

kat said...

I hit the final "faux-pooping" photo and guffawed so loudly that the gentleman in my office all turned around and stared. Which was a little bit awkward, given what was on the screen. Thanks a lot!

Kim said...

Yeah, the pooping pictures pretty much made my entire MONTH. They were epic. Now I'm happier in general just knowing I can look at them again and again. And though I am teeming with jealousy, I am also so happy for you ladies; it looks like it was an amazing weekend.

diatribes and dish said...

The pooping photos were the best. Looks like you guys had fun!

SkylersDad said...

Best. Trip Report. EVER!!

You two rock.

Imnotbenny said...

Those were the most poop-a-licious photos EVER!

Seriously entertaining.

Jon said...

Those "I poop on you" photos are exactly why the internet was invented. Thank you Whiskey, Gwen and Baby Jesus.

Mommy Lisa said...

THAT WAS TOTALLY WICKED!!! I want a bloody now.

I use my Yahtzee to relax while I poop. Is that TMI?

Christa said...

while i frequently think things are funny, i rarely convulse and spasm with silent tears while reading. but my god, those photos killed me. nicely played, you two.

Sizzle said...

Oh sweet jesus that was some funny shit. Literally!

WendyB said...

I was wondering why I was not invited to this fantastically good time until I got to the poop pictures. Yeah, I probably wouldn't pose for poop pictures. That's why I wasn't invited, right?

Sornie said...

Being that you've seen each other nekkid, are there some photos of nekkid oil wrestling that you aren't sharing? Just curious.

Stacey said...

Well it just isn't a good weekend if you don't poop on something. Sounds like more fun then a barrel of monkeys.


See what I did there?...barrel of monkeys. Ok, that was funny , or cheesy... or something... anyway.

Glad you two enjoyed yourselves!!!

P.S : this reminds me a tad bit of my drunken weekend w/the bff a few weeks back. Upon sobering up and going through my phone I found drunk texts to... well everybody and toilet pictures. What is it about being drunk and being on the toilet being incredibly funny ?

Dr. Monkey said...

You girls just wanna have fun.

Anonymous said...

Oh my, a good time was had by all!!

Ativan and alcohol. My favorite things for plane travel.

Glad you guys had such a blast.


Misha said...

I feel less alone in the world since I have found this blog.

Poop pictures = Hours of fun

Student/Teacher said...

You should have gone to a place called "Rhonda's" which is a strip club of the dirtiest variety. I always have a good time there. I got financial advice from a guy there, and also met a guy who I swore to god was Conan O'Brian.

Glad you had a fun time in the Lou. <3

TheHermanator said...

OMG ! I'm just incredibly shocked that St.Louie wasn't declared a disaster area or some shit !
I have never visited an "met-online" friend before, but if you two are any example, I've got to do that, and soon !
The pic's from the archway brought back some bartending memories from the 70's.,...My brother and I used to have this customer at our bar in Bloomington, Indiana who's claim-to-fame, was that he designed those little cars inside the Arch as part of a project for Otis Elevator.
We heard the story so many times, that we would introduce "Jim" to other peeps at the bar, and then start counting down from 5, and when he launched his tale, we would mouth the words behind our hands, and laugh our asses off.

Maybe you had to be there ??
Anyway, you and Gwen can "Fake-Poop" with the best of them, Or, Maybe you are The Best Of Them!.
Thanks for the giggles and guffaws, Herm

Grant Miller said...

Same stuff happens whenever me and Some Guy get together.

180|360 said...

I can't believe no one commented on the boob grabbing! Somehow I get the sense that it would be physically impossible to not have a good time with you.

Fancy Schmancy said...

You two are the best, ever! You don't mind if I make those pictures my slide-show-screen-saver, do you?

Dr Zibbs said...

And if anyone wants to see a Gwen and WM related blog check out todays post on my blog.

Dr Zibbs said...

God damn it your fun is right up myu alley.

Someday we shall meet.

Glad you two had a great time and I love the new name "Lady G".

John said...

Your last terlet shot is now a framed 16 X 20 on my bathroom wall (I've been searching FOR-EVER for just the right piece). As always, your debauchery is so delicious. Thanks, Whiskeymarie! : )

kkryno said...

OMG! Awesome fun!!!11

Fran said...

I have had a lot of blogger meet ups but the poop on this has never come up.

Damn! You always get there first.

This was freaking hilarious. Goddam, really hilarious.

Spud Mack said...

Alright I know you are not meant to give away the gossip after the naked viewing...but can you please just confirm that Wall-eye is everything and more that we all dream of?!?!

i am playing outside said...

i've only ever met one long-time online friend, which was much fun. but we kept our pants on. oh my.

nancypearlwannabe said...

That just made St. Louis seem like THE place to be, poop and all! Also, I love Gwen's sunglasses in the convertible photo.

John said...

Oh and thank you for not posting the pics of your Bloody Mary soaked crotch. That would have been too much, considering the poop post and all. ; )

Perfectly Shelly said...

I live 1.5 hours from St. Louis. WHY OH WHY didn't you TELL me you were coming to my fabulous state!

I want to meet you and Gwen.......

and the farmer's market? OMG, I want to go!!

I am now pouting.

Dr Zibbs said...

I needed to come back and review these again WM.

These pics are so great. It's kind of like when the Beatles met Dylan.

Gwen said...

Dude. I came back for another look-see now that my stomach has settled and I can look back on it more fondly. Well, less painfully anyway. I laughed my ass off all over again. The one of you on the toilet kills me. I love that we employed the new photographing technique we learned at The Arch!

God, I miss you. It's too quiet.

Stacie's Madness said...

omg all the poopin pictures are HILARIOUS!!!

Wondering Woman said...

Isn't it great to click with somebody? You guys were having so much fun........ I'm jealous and of Gwen's hair too. I love her hair........ seriously.

John said...

I can't seem to stop commenting on this post.

John said...

I think you've runined your chances of running for president with this post.

John said...

Seriously, I mean, what is it about this post that I can't seem to contr...

Anonymous said...

It was great meeting you! I'm glad you had fun in The Lou! Leslie

words...words...words... said...

I think after this, you are both on double-secret probation.

The Grand ChaHee said...

What? You visited my state?

Lara said...

You are hilarious, WM. Also, please come to Philadelphia sometime.

Liberality said...

Whiskey-I found you again, from someone's blog at least. Started reading and came to this post and just lost it. I haven't had such a big laugh in a long, long time. My stomach started hurting, seriously, I was laughing so much. You gals are a blast!