Thursday, June 4, 2009

Please pass the gas.

I'm swamped today and I'll catch you up tomorrow (or not, I could be lying again), but I feel I should leave you with something, so I'll leave you with the most interesting thing that happened to me yesterday:

I was walking through Mississippi Market co-op on my way to work to pick up some lunch. As I was passing a woman fairly closely as someone with a cart was coming from the other direction, the woman farted. LOUDLY. It sounded like a whoopie cushion fart. It sounded like the kind of fart that makes one's buttcheeks undulate for several seconds after the fact. She made no apologies and moved on.

Problem was, we were in such close proximity to one another that I, in a moment of panic, quickly looked around to see who heard, thinking I could mouth "It was her" while pointing. Unfortunately, I just ended up looking like the guilty one as she was nonchalantly looking for Organic cat food nearby.

I shop there a LOT. I can only hope that I will now be identified as "that broad with the farts", or something like that.

There you go- see you tomorrow, my little fart-filled dumplings. Happy Thursday.



John said...

This reminds me of the highly unfortunate incidents when when I'm on a machine at the gym and there's a really hot chick on the machine to my left and an SBD fart guy on the machine to my right. SBD fart guy does his thing, and hot chick naturally thinks *I'M* SBD fart guy, when really, I'm the heroic buffer trying to protect her from SBD fart guy.

Stacey said...

A woman...?

Is this one of those stories where you say I have this friend and it's really you?


My hubby and I were in le Walmart awhile back and this chick farted loudly. She was the only one in the diaper aisle besides us. She just went on about her business like nothing happened. Hubby and I burst in to a fit of laughter.

Because we're mature like that.

I think you should shop in stores like LeWalmart. That kind of thing is expected there.

Just sayin.

Dr Zibbs said...

I'd like to hear that apology.

Mach1 said...

For some reason the fact that she was looking at organic cat food makes this story so much better.

SkylersDad said...

I can't seem to get over the undulating butt cheeks visual.

Thank you for that.

Bubs said...

I hate it when people do that. It has happened to me twice at the Costco, and both times it's been well-dressed older women who let fly and then scoot away, hoping I'll get blamed for it. And if you were to call her out on it, like yell "HEY SAY EXCUSE ME WHEN YOU RIP ONE LIKE THAT" people will automatically assume that the one who smelt it, dealt it, and you still get blamed for it.

It's the Catch-22 of flatulence

Gretta said...

Farts or no, you're a good egg. Get it? Egg? Like the way they smell? Oh nevermind. I'm really here to just say THANK YOU for being a POSITIVE commenter on my blog. Just had a run-in with a hater. I hate(r) that.

kirby said...

If it's any consolation, that woman's cats probably hate her, too. Not Gretta, I mean the crypto-farter.

Some Guy said...

Look at it this way. As "that broad with the farts", people will probably give you plenty of room. They may even run for cover when you get to the check-out, thus saving you tons of time.

TheHermanator said...

I'm so busy laughing about what "Skylar's Dad" said, that I forgot my own comment ! LoL, Kudo's for the Visual that keeps on givin' !

Imnotbenny said...

I suggest stalking this woman until you can snipe-fart next to her and then run away so SHE catches the heat!

Suze said...

I bet you blame Pooter too.

Sundar said...

Hmmm...I have to get more details on this one. You know...what does
'undulating' mean in terms of the sound it produced. Every fart caused CU (cheek undulation). Now, did it sounds like a old parchment paper being rubbed gently? In that case be assured people will know it was the old lady. But if it sounded like a snare drum....ah....that's a different story. You better cough it up wkiskey!

i am playing outside said...

i fully expect this to be written into a TV show. hopefully one about your life. and hopefully soon.

good lord... the word verification word is DYING. its never a REAL word and suddenly it is and its DYING?

never verifying again.

Perfectly Shelly said...

Just a word in defense of the Farter. Maybe she was elderly? Which makes it all the more funny and sad.

My beautiful grandma told me recently that she never understood how people can just fart out loud in public. Now that she's 86, she says you 'can't stop 'em', and she walks around farting all the time. I'm sure she's mortified, but hey...what can a girl do? she says sometimes when she walks they pop out with each step.

Nice. See what we all have to look forward to?

Courtney said...

So you farted in public and are now trying to blame it on some innocent bystander via your BLOG??? This post stinks of being penned by "the one who dealt it." (pun intended)

shame shame shame!

Stacy said...

OMG, I'm totally crying over this one. Are you sure it wasn't her shoe? (because I use that one all the time -- oops! Oh, sorry, that was my shoe).

diatribes and dish said...

You should change your name from Whiskeymarie Von Partypants to Whiskeymarie Von Crapsherpants.

Aunt Snow said...

My mother used to say, "Oh, pardon ME!" upon the rare occasions when she'd gentle poot in the privacy of our home.

Now she's 84 and she just lets them rip without concern.

The worst, absolutely WORST fart experience I've ever had was on a flight from Atlanta to LA, in coach, and SOMEBODY within nose range was letting SBDs rip all the way across America. You could see people in the closest seats looking sidelong at one another wondering who was doing it. You didn't know whether to smile commiseratingly at them, or glare at them.

I swear to GOD it wasn't me!!!!!