Friday, June 5, 2009

Sense and sensible underwear, part deux.

Things I understand/things I don't understand, Volume 2:

Things I understand:
  • Logic
  • Why white shirts + red wine = disaster, always
  • The science behind baking
  • The seductive allure of pudding
  • Men, 95% of the time anyways
  • Why freckles are cute
  • How to make a perfectly lovely martini
  • Why everyone should own a well-made black blazer of some sort
  • Bacon.
  • Which fork to use
  • Taking time to finish the crossword puzzle
  • The importance of shaking one's booty as often as possible
  • Champagne
  • Loving impractical footwear
  • Why someday humans will be slaves to warrior monkeys
  • The power of a low-cut top
  • That seeing people trip is always, always funny
  • That honesty is always the best policy
  • How to make head cheese
  • Wanting to ride your bike everywhere in the summer
  • Why we'd all look silly without any eyebrows
  • The number of days I can wait to wash my hair before it goes from silky & shiny to just plain gross
  • What people mean when they say "You know what I mean?"

Things I don't understand:
  • Why anyone would willingly listen to the Dave Matthews Band
  • Long, elaborately painted fingernails
  • Who would consciously choose to wear white leggings
  • The big deal about ice cream
  • The appeal of American Idol after the first round
  • Technology
  • How to properly clip my toenails
  • How I've managed to not read a single book in the last 8 months
  • How to keep my mouth shut sometimes
  • How penises are both alluring and goofy
  • My ability to remember commercial jungles from the 70's & early 80's
  • Why I can't remember what day of the week it is, generally
  • How, when a single woman has more than one cat she's a "crazy cat lady", but if a dude does, he's a "sensitive animal lover".
  • Why I'm incapable of snapping my fingers properly
  • How I woke up wearing a chicken suit in the neighbor's bathtub that one time
  • What people mean when they say "You know what I mean?"
Happy Friday, my booty-shaking warrior monkeys. Happy Friday.



i am playing outside said...

First, your use of the word "bacon" increases my love for you by 4% and also ensures that I will read AT LEAST 5 more posts in the future.

Next, I too was incapable of snapping my fingers, but I recently got some help. Now I can snap along with a catchy beat, or show my foes that I've got more sass than black nurse convention. The trick here, is to ensure that your pinky and ring fingers are firmly placed on the palm of your hand, not flailing at random [this was my problem]. Also, you may look into trading your bony little chicken hands in for some butchy manhands. Happy snapping!

SkylersDad said...

If it was bacon flavored ice cream, would that throw you into some sort of a seizure trying to decide if you did or did not understand it?

John said...

RE: Why anyone would willingly listen to the Dave Matthews Band

Being from Charlottesville, VA, where DMB hails from, you would be judged, sentenced, and burned at the stake in the town square at 5 p.m. today should this be leaked to the local press. Being your only Cville reader, however, (and I would cut off my own head before I would ever betray you), I feel safe in saying that I secretly agree with you. If my concurrence is leaked to the local press, I will be in MN before 5 p.m., else I will be burned with you.

Also - My penis is a lot of things, but not goofy.


Crazy Cat Dude

Kim said...

You're on point with almost everything; however I have to vehemently disagree with you regarding Dave Matthews and ice cream. What can I say, I'm a sucker for cheesy singers and cold creamy desserts, neither of which add anything of value to my life.
Either way, if you ever get that toenail thing figured out, could you do me a favor and share?

Dr Zibbs said...

You can't snap your fingers?

Don't feel bad. I can't do that Spanish sound where you roll your tongue.

Which means I can't yell at a guy named Rubio in a super pissed off way.

WendyB said...

At first I thought you wrote, "The science behind barking," and I was like, "Duh, girl, they do it to irritate me." And then I kicked my dogs. Oops! But it was baking. I'm going to go kick some cakes.

John said...

Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce

Whiskeymarie said...

cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun.

Stacey said...

Ok, smarty pants finish this one:
Big Mac, Filet O Fish, Quarter Pounder , French Fries,Icy Coke, thick shake...

and for the record I would lay nekkid in ice cream every night if I could. But there are rules to ice cream. It gotz to have stuff in it. I'm not just a plain old vanilla gal. Ben & Jerry's 2 Twisted seriously makes me giddy.

Whiskeymarie said...

iapo- "I've got more sass than black nurse convention"- that made me chuckle. I tried your snapping thing and I hurt myself. I think it's best I stop trying.

John- If word gets out, we will hide you here. I hope you don't mind sleeping with two cats and a dog that talks in his sleep.

SkylersDad- THAT I would eat. It's not that I don't like ice cream, I just don't see the big deal.

Kim- I fear that I may end up with claws at the end of my toes before I figure it out.

Zibbs- I can't roll my r's either. I am a failure as a human being.

Monkey- It's good to love yourself- just be careful so it doesn't fall off.

WendyB- "then I kicked my dogs" That made me giggle, then I felt bad for giggling. Then I giggled again.

Whiskeymarie said...

Oh, John- I forgot the end:
You deserve a break today, at McDonallllddsssss!"

WM- "Sundaes and apple pies?"

Red said...

I don't hate DMB, but I don't care for them either. Both my best friend and my bros best friend are into them. If he has one DMB CD, he's got 15 of them, and she guesses she has 8 or so. Those two are like family to us, but DMB? At least we can all get together on Ben Folds. (We like him.)

While separated from me at an old roommate's birthday party one time, EG was describing a conversation he witnessed where a group of people we discussing who they preferred, DMB or Coldplay. I wish I had been there to see his head almost explode.

You're crazy on the ice cream thing, though. ;^)

EmBee said...

In complete agreement on that 'American Idol' thing... Because that first couple of weeks is equal to watching someone trip... After that, meh!

And don't fool yourself, there are 'Crazy Cat Men' too... They're just not acknowledged as much as women.

diatribes and dish said...

You watched the Today show this morning, didn't you? I was shocked to see that DMB still has the same ability to attract douchebag college-aged dudes that it always has. I guess some things never change.

(That being said, there are some DMB songs from my douchebag college years for which I still have a nostalgic affection. Oh the shame.)

John said...

Get your get your get your get your adverbs here...

She's interplanet janet she's a galaxy girl...

Whiskeymarie said...

Lolly, Lolly, Lolly...

I don't remember all of "Interplanet Janet", but to be fair- that's not a commercial.

We have these on DVD- I may have to watch them later...

John said...

My bologna has a first name, it's

kirby said...

Yesterday, a frat boy in a Honda Pilot with a DMB sticker on the rear window passed us on the road. My twelve year-old yelled out the window, "Dude, you are sooooo hardcore!" When children make fun of you because of your choice of music, you know you're a loser.

l'ananas said...

if this were facebook i'd be clicking 'like'

BallerinaToes said...

Right? On the penis thing? Sometimes it is just goofy ;). Also, i don't understand whistling. I pretty sure I've never even typed the word. And I can't do it. I can't whistle. Which bugs me for some odd reason.

Stacey said...

Ok now I'm truly scared that you got it right. Or maybe I'm scared that I remember that jingle.

Either way...we're both kind of awesome in a totally goofy we remember old McDs jingles kinda way.

Fancy Schmancy said...

While I still really like DMB, I don't understand the campy following. It's like a cult where you have to like them between the ages of 15-21 to fit in with a certain crowd. My son, thankfully, chose to go to a Cheech and Chong show over DMB, both of which are in town. He didn't know he never had the option of the DMB concert. Too many drunken dickheads starting riots and setting cars on fire.

Jacquie said...

I willingly listen to the DMB. I EMBRACE the DMB. Girl, you may be right on with the bacon and the cheese, but your music sense sucks!

The song "Say Goodbye". No? Really?

You're wrong about American Idol, too.

I'm going back to cheating on you with Tobacco Brunette...

Suze said...

What I can't figure out is why you were in MY bathtub in a chicken suit that one time. Damn girl.

Stefanie said...

Head cheese? Really? WHY?

domboy said...

It IS funny watching people trip. I’ve tried to be grown-up about it, but it always makes me chuckle.

180|360 said...

I think what you do understand is more important than what you don't. I didn't get Dave Matthew's band until I went through my second stoner/heavy drinking phase and listened to Live at Luther College. I have to admit, it's a great album.

Hope you are having a lovely weekend without too many goofy penises or long fingernails getting in your way.

Luisa Perkins said...

I was just thinking that very thing about Dave Matthews on Thursday!

Mmmm, pudding....

TheHermanator said...

Wow Whiskey ! I'm going to keep your dislike for DMB from my nephews, who all are in awe of the latest album !
They are a few years past their college days, and probably aren't the fanatics they were a few years ago, but they would still be incredibly offended,...whereas I laughed my ass off at this list of Understand/don't.
Another first, some of today's responses are close to being as funny as the original post!
That said I'll take my Goofy penis over to facebook, and tweet a link to your post !LoL, Looking forward to the debut of Bacon Ice Cream ! LLMMMmmm Yummy !

firedanser22 said...

Bacon Ice Cream has already been invented, and DMB is the best rock band since the Beatles, deal with it. Open your minds.

Aunt Snow said...

Chicken suit?

Grant Miller said...

My dad invented white leggings. Thanks. Thanks a lot.

gorillabuns said...

I'm a you know what I mean person - only because no one knows what i mean.

Iheartfashion said...

I need to know why anyone would ever make head cheese.
And American Idol has no appeal for me either.