From The Onion:
Your High School Boyfriend Still Smoking Cigarettes In The Field Behind School
THE BALL FIELDS—According to witnesses at your old high school, the guy you let touch your boobs after the Queensrÿche concert still takes off shortly before lunch every day to sneak a smoke behind the dugouts. Although he can no longer fit into the filthy army jacket that used to impress you, sources confirmed that the paunchy, middle-aged man clumsily rolling his own Bali Shag cigarettes and hassling passing freshman is in fact the same boyfriend you defended to your mother almost two decades ago. It was not immediately apparent whether the 40-year-old claims adjuster is still trying to cheat on you with Jessica Ruffino.
This? Does not surprise me at all.
Though, truth be told, I don't think any of my exes are claims adjusters. The few I know of are currently working as (careers in no particular order):
- Corporate lackey
- Pastry chef
- Music producer/sound man
- Delivery driver
- Career criminal (s)
- Business owner
- Retail worker
I guess no one can say I wasn't an equal-opportunity dater. I suspect that if I hadn't gotten married that I would have eventually added: Divorcee' (of the Kirk VanHouten variety), Recovering meth addict (he would eventually steal my credit cards and charge a used Camaro on them), Lottery winner, Ex-President of the Dungeons & Dragons fanclub, Clive Owen, Siamese twin brothers and an aging rock star (too much tequila) to the list.
Happy Friday, my boots-knockin', hand-holdin', smoochin' piles of boyfriendy goodness. Happy Friday.