Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Goo in my eye, and you're to blame- honey you give crackheads a bad name...

My day, every day for the last week:
  • 9:00-ish: wake up, wonder why I can't open my eyes, realize it's because they are crusted over with some sort of sticky yet crunchy goo. Pick enough goo from eyes so that I may open them and not accidentally use one of the cats for a towel (again) in my blind confusion.
  • 9:10- Take the first benadryl of the day, use a crowbar to pry eyelids up to put allergy eyedrops in, go back to bed to wait for it all to "kick in".
  • 9:30- Benadryl not working yet, start scratching at face and eyeballs like a crackhead with ADHD.
  • 9:45- second round of eyedrops (hey- it says on the bottle "up to four times daily", it doesn't say that you can't do all four at once), toss in a Zyrtec for good measure. Look around bathroom to see if the prescription narcotics fairy came last night, find nothing under my toothbrush- again.
  • 9:50- back in bed, still rubbing at my eyes, hoping I don't end up looking like I suffer from alopecia due to extreme eyelash loss.
  • 9:55- Take another 1/2 Benadryl- chew it up before swallowing to speed things up. Examine my pink teeth in the mirror.
  • 9:56- Pee while the cats weave around my legs and occasionally try and peek in the back of the bowl to see what is going on.
  • 9:58- Feed cats, sit on kitchen floor and wonder why I'm so.....sleeeeepppyyyyy...
  • 10:00- Lay in bed with a cold washcloth on my eyes and kleenex stuffed up my nose.
  • 10:01- Realize it's Earth Day, shake fist in the air angrily while cursing Mother Nature for inventing pollen and dust. I think she's still pissed off at us for the whole "Exxon Valdez oil spill" thing. Christ lady- get over it already!
  • 10:08- Look in mirror, wonder why I didn't wake up last night when someone was apparently beating my face with a hammer.
  • 10:30- Put on mittens and a hockey mask to prevent scratching.
  • 10:55- Drugs kicking in, become unable to remove myself from the couch & unable to move to change the channel so I am forced to watch the Today Show with Kathie & Hoda. As I sit there I mentally sew Kathie Lee's mouth shut and pray for a Shamwow! commercial as it would be infinitely less annoying.
  • 11:10- Slowly I extricate myself from the couch- it makes a popping noise when I finally pull free. Go to kitchen and start mainlining caffeine.
  • 11:20 and beyond- Go about the rest of my day in a haze- randomly popping pills, dropping eyedrops and snorting crushed up Claritin off of a mirror with a hundred dollar bill.
Tomorrow, repeat.

Happy Wednesday, my crusty, sniffly blobs of eye goo. Happy Wednesday.

XO
.

30 comments:

Jocelyn said...

AAK! Kathie and Hoda are THE WORST!

Get well and uncrusty soon!

Del-V said...

Pinkeye is the Leprosy of the 21st Century.

SkylersDad said...

That is such a drag, I hope you feel better real soon, or if you don't, I can at least look forward to seeing on TV how you traveled to NYC to gun down Kathie Lee.

Dr Zibbs said...

That new header is so cool it might blow up!

LegalMist said...

Awesome new photo / header!

I feel your pain re: the allergies. In the spring when I start sniffling and sneezing, I always *hope* it's a cold because that will last only 7 - 10 days, and not allergies, which last for months.... it's always the allergies. **sigh**

Sounds like you've got it worse than me, though. So far this year, I've not had the eye goo. Hang in there!

Targa said...

Bummer.

The up side is that your headline took "Walk Like an Egyptian" by the Bangles right outta my head.

Gwen said...

Woman, your eyes look like you've been surviving on bong hits and acid for three weeks. Awesome. Why didn't you invite me? Don't you love me anymore?

Love the new header. You're so fucking cool.

Kim said...

My God, woman, you have my sympathies. While I haven't ever suffered an allergy season quite that bad, I can say when we first moved back here from FL (not THAT far) during early summer, I thought I'd caught the worst and longest cold of my life until someone told me, Hey moron, you have allergies. I remember going on a Benedryl binge as well, and not much more besides a bunch of snotty tissues everywhere.
I'm hoping you'll have some relief very soon.

kirby said...

You have my sympathy.

WendyB said...

Ow! those are some painful looking eyes.

Keith said...

You don't happen to use eyedrops in the $4-$8 per bottle price range do you? I was having trouble with my eyes and my eye doctor told me that the there is an ingredient in most of the cheaper eye drops that your eyes can become addicted to and that causes redness and swelling because it needs another fix. Give Zaditor or Alaway a try. They use to be available only as a prescription at around $80-$100 for a couple of ounces but now they are available over the counter for $20-$30 range. No suggestions for your other allergies.

Lollie said...

I don't know...I kinda think the red brings out the lovely colour of your eyes.

i am playing outside said...

dear whiskey,

kindly don't visit canada until that face death is all cleared up.

thanks.

love, michael

180|360 said...

i feel your pain, mama! i just had my allergy virginity taken away and now i understand what all the whinging is about!

Laura said...

Zaditor!! Get it at Walgreens for $11. Best.Stuff.Ever. I too am suffering, but I'm glad to hear it's allergies, and not the new pooch. My eyes and yours are twins. The bad news is, I took a Alavert D...D for god's sakes and I am falling asleep. I normally feel like I injected meth. the allergies are winning...

Stacey said...

You and my mom...and now my son. Damn you allergies.

Just damn you to hell!

Stacey said...

Oh and where the hell is John? I miss his suggestive comments.
Although I'm quite sure there is nothing sexual he could say about this post.
If he could well then he's just my hero

Landis said...

now see, i LOVE the kathie lee.

i think the years in the wilderness made her thankful for her fortune, and she is much funnier and more self deprecating.

i think you need to go to a doctor and get hard core drugs.

and i start the day with a claritin and a handful of aspirin to speed the effect.

feel hugged. at arm's length, you sound crusty and i'm wearing something nice today.

dguzman said...

Wow... um, are you okay? Hello? Whiskey? How many Benadryls did you take? Hello?

H said...

My boss came up to me on Tuesday and asked if I went out to the car at lunch to smoke doobies...I feel your pain...or wouldn't if I had actually smoked said doobies at lunch. What? I don't know...I am high on some sort of syrup.

XOXO,
H

Grant Miller said...

Claritin-D is where it's at.

Anonymous said...

Whiskey, To brighten up your day due to your allergies, go to http://menwholooklikeoldlesbians.blogspot.com/

I think I'm going to see my stylist and cut may hair of....SOON!

Flip

brass_boys@hotmail.com

Student/Teacher said...

Cabernet + Zyrtec + The Hills = sleep.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Perfectly Shelly said...

AAAARRRRGGHHHHH Matey!!

Go to the doctor and get a steroid/cortisone shot.

It helps. BELIEVE ME...it helps.

Perfectly Shelly said...

Wait....you got a doggie?

theideaofprogress said...

This is like the allergy version of Requiem For a Dream.

(My verification word is balsc, which is close enough tom 'ballsack' to make me giggle like a fifth-grader)

Jon said...

Seriously- Mother Nature can be such a dirty whore sometimes. And she's not even my real mom!

Hope you're feeling better WM. Here's to non-sexually transmitted diseases at least..

Mariposa said...

Love your new header! And you got me with the title post already...

groovecat said...

true story---i've actually lost my pants before----at santana row, san jose, ca.

how did i get here? and who are you people?

the sirens are coming up around the bend, i gotta go.

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