Friday, April 17, 2009

I only let him touch my boobs because I was loopy on wine coolers.

My half-man/half-simian friend Monkey sent this to me today with the note: "This made me think of you and your posts about your dating years."

From The Onion:


Your High School Boyfriend Still Smoking Cigarettes In The Field Behind School

March 31, 2009

THE BALL FIELDS—According to witnesses at your old high school, the guy you let touch your boobs after the Queensr├┐che concert still takes off shortly before lunch every day to sneak a smoke behind the dugouts. Although he can no longer fit into the filthy army jacket that used to impress you, sources confirmed that the paunchy, middle-aged man clumsily rolling his own Bali Shag cigarettes and hassling passing freshman is in fact the same boyfriend you defended to your mother almost two decades ago. It was not immediately apparent whether the 40-year-old claims adjuster is still trying to cheat on you with Jessica Ruffino.


This? Does not surprise me at all.

Though, truth be told, I don't think any of my exes are claims adjusters. The few I know of are currently working as (careers in no particular order):

  • Corporate lackey
  • Pastry chef
  • Recluse
  • Music producer/sound man
  • Delivery driver
  • Career criminal (s)
  • Unemployed
  • Barfly
  • Business owner
  • Actor
  • Retail worker
  • Lawyer

I guess no one can say I wasn't an equal-opportunity dater. I suspect that if I hadn't gotten married that I would have eventually added: Divorcee' (of the Kirk VanHouten variety), Recovering meth addict (he would eventually steal my credit cards and charge a used Camaro on them), Lottery winner, Ex-President of the Dungeons & Dragons fanclub, Clive Owen, Siamese twin brothers and an aging rock star (too much tequila) to the list.

Happy Friday, my boots-knockin', hand-holdin', smoochin' piles of boyfriendy goodness. Happy Friday.

XO

19 comments:

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

I would have bought you a case of wine coolers had I known you back before you were married if I thought it might have gotten me a hand full of boob. I'm just that suave.

SkylersDad said...

You make me wish I had a Siamese twin so I had a chance.

H said...

My list since my divorce reads:

aging dj/lumberjack
unemployed musician
unemployed musician
unemployed musician
musician/drum instructor

I think I need an intervention.

XOXO,
H

Happy Friday Miss Whiskey!

Greta said...

Yes, Whiskeymarie. But have you ever turned one gay?

Happy Friday to you too!

Red said...

The guy who dated me the whole summer after my junior year and was totally into me but never quite mustered the cojones to ask me out (we were "just good friends") is a claims adjuster. Ah, Facebook.

nancypearlwannabe said...

I don't think I even know what my exes are up to. Probably the same stupid crap they were up to when I was dating them; mainly, being stupid.

Savitra said...

Call the cops! He needs some help before he tries a deja vu thing with some young thing.

Gwen said...

Um, this might be a bad time to mention that while you were here I stole your credit card and have since bought a used Camaro.

You can't be mad. I have a problem .

Paul said...

I just added you to my blogroll. But now I'm wondering: will you still respect me in the morning?

Kim said...

I love that one of yours is a recluse!
Here's my list:
- Lawyer
- In and out of the Florida state detention system (currently in, according to the Internet) for crack and crack-related robberies
- Firefighter
- Unknown, but probably the creepy uncle who the whole family keeps their kids away from

Laura said...

I haven't really kept up with most of my exes, but they all seem to be lawyers now. Except for the ones who turned out to be gay, who are now working in computer-related fields.

Keith said...

One little girlfriend in the 4th grade and one in the 9th grade are now lesbians. Two others are a rocket scientist and a nurse.

What the hell do you make out of that?

Paul said...

Your post has made me realize I don't remember what any of the three and a half girls who let me touch their boobs in high school are doing today (latex love dolls only count as half, right?).

TheHermanator said...

I have my attorneys working on it,... I'm trying to see if I can sue your buddy for talking about my habit of hanging out behind the dugout at lunchtime ! I just want to stay "Hip" by talking to those girls, who are in fact Juniors Now, not Freshman as he so snarlingly accused !!

FYI,I am the Head Claims adjuster for the Central District of MN. now, and I have washed my Olive Drab (OD)Fatigue Jacket as recently as 2001.
More from my Law Dogs Soon !

Siana said...

There is nothing wrong with being a professional barfly.

Just saying...

Lollie said...

Hmm, just to name a few...

- beer rep.
- axer (assesses and gets rid of the deadwood in corporate offices)
- pepsi executive
- pathetically, still a dancer
- choreographer
- rehab expert (being IN rehab, not helping addicts WITH rehab)
- orange grove manager
- computer geek and personal chauvinist pig (thinks he's better than everyone else)

domboy said...

I saw Queensryche twice, no kidding, but I never got any action afterwards. Is that a signed copy of “Eat ‘Em And Smile”?

Mommy Lisa said...

Ick. I saw that article.

One of my exes from high school is a nuclear navy captain - Yes that crazy guy who set off smoke bombs during a pep rally has a KEY to start bombing whomever he chooses.

sigh.

Landis said...

all of my exes went mysteriously missing shortly after we broke up. they all said something like "i can't face life without you but don't worry i won't do anything drastic" before the line went dead, officer.

what?

i don't like leaving messes behind.