- 9:00-ish: wake up, wonder why I can't open my eyes, realize it's because they are crusted over with some sort of sticky yet crunchy goo. Pick enough goo from eyes so that I may open them and not accidentally use one of the cats for a towel (again) in my blind confusion.
- 9:10- Take the first benadryl of the day, use a crowbar to pry eyelids up to put allergy eyedrops in, go back to bed to wait for it all to "kick in".
- 9:30- Benadryl not working yet, start scratching at face and eyeballs like a crackhead with ADHD.
- 9:45- second round of eyedrops (hey- it says on the bottle "up to four times daily", it doesn't say that you can't do all four at once), toss in a Zyrtec for good measure. Look around bathroom to see if the prescription narcotics fairy came last night, find nothing under my toothbrush- again.
- 9:50- back in bed, still rubbing at my eyes, hoping I don't end up looking like I suffer from alopecia due to extreme eyelash loss.
- 9:55- Take another 1/2 Benadryl- chew it up before swallowing to speed things up. Examine my pink teeth in the mirror.
- 9:56- Pee while the cats weave around my legs and occasionally try and peek in the back of the bowl to see what is going on.
- 9:58- Feed cats, sit on kitchen floor and wonder why I'm so.....sleeeeepppyyyyy...
- 10:00- Lay in bed with a cold washcloth on my eyes and kleenex stuffed up my nose.
- 10:01- Realize it's Earth Day, shake fist in the air angrily while cursing Mother Nature for inventing pollen and dust. I think she's still pissed off at us for the whole "Exxon Valdez oil spill" thing. Christ lady- get over it already!
- 10:08- Look in mirror, wonder why I didn't wake up last night when someone was apparently beating my face with a hammer.
- 10:30- Put on mittens and a hockey mask to prevent scratching.
- 10:55- Drugs kicking in, become unable to remove myself from the couch & unable to move to change the channel so I am forced to watch the Today Show with Kathie & Hoda. As I sit there I mentally sew Kathie Lee's mouth shut and pray for a Shamwow! commercial as it would be infinitely less annoying.
- 11:10- Slowly I extricate myself from the couch- it makes a popping noise when I finally pull free. Go to kitchen and start mainlining caffeine.
- 11:20 and beyond- Go about the rest of my day in a haze- randomly popping pills, dropping eyedrops and snorting crushed up Claritin off of a mirror with a hundred dollar bill.
Happy Wednesday, my crusty, sniffly blobs of eye goo. Happy Wednesday.