Thursday, July 10, 2008

Well-hung jury.

I'm in! I'm on the jury!


As you can tell, I'm trying to get excited about being a juror on a criminal (!) trial, but honestly I was praying to Maurice Gibb that they wouldn't pick me.
"Dear Mr. Gibb- I've gotta get a message to you. I can't stand the jive talkin' anymore. Please get me out of jury duty so I can start mending my broken heart. Thank you, my benevolent and almighty Maurice."

I'm tired of sitting, doing nothing.

And I can't tell you anything about the case, which is killing me. Really, it's not that exciting, but my life is so boring right now that ANYTHING out of the monotony seems awesome. Christmas with the Osmonds awesome.
Sort of.

That's it for today.
Seriously. That's it.

I'll let you know how day 1 of the trial went tomorrow.

Well, as much as I CAN tell you, which isn't much. Maybe I'll take notes on what people wore.
Or what I ate for lunch.
Or who farted.

Whatever, I'm bored.


And, for the record, I've actually had time to be catching up on my blog-reading yesterday & today, but my fucked com-pu-tor won't let me comment. Let it be known that I was there in spirit and left you a lovely bundt cake.
I'm shaking my fist at YOU, Mr. Technology!

And, one of my fellow lady-jurors was in the bathroom stall today doing her bizness while the rest of us waited in line. She farted VERY loudly. Twice. All we heard after that was a surprised-sounding "Oh! MY!"
I decided to come back later. I'm already tired of other people's farts.

And, I purposely told the lawyers on the case today when they were still interviewing us that I was "a total control freak" and "I don't like working with other people" and "I like to do things my way. MY. WAY." and "I tend to overlook details in favor of the big picture" and I also referred to "bums" and "hobos" and they still chose me. Moral of the story is: honesty just gets you goddamn jury duty. Lie when you can, people. LIE. The truth is never a good idea.

Be afraid, people.
Be afraid.


Bubs said...

Find out how many of your fellow jurors are retired or unemployed, and take a poll whether they like this better than daytime TV.

Gwen said...

Think up a bunch of questions and poll your fellow jursists all day tomorrow. Ask them things like:

What kind of underwear do they prefer? What's their favorite hot dish? Do they like dill or sweet pickles best? Do they like it that Indian call center operators assume English names?

Keep track of their answers, crunch the data, and publish it here later in the name of science.

180|360 said...

Congratulations! Just think of all the things you'll be able to do with that money.

John said...

Bored though you may be, you ae never boring Ms. VonPartypants.

Congrats. : )

gorillabuns said...

But have you met any hot criminals?

Siana said...

I like Gwen's suggestion! I expect to log onto my computer tomorrow and see those results.

After I continue my quest to find midget clown porn. It's like the Holy Grail of porn. I'm not kidding.

Moe Wanchuk said...

I don't know if this interests you, but on noon on saturday....I'm walking down Hennepin Ave in Mpls with only a cutoff t-shirt on.

Minnesota Girl said...

hmmm...i have a friend who is on a jury up there right now for some big case. he was just "chosen" as well. i don't know what his top secret case is but it would be hilarious if you two are on the same one.

been there, done that. it's such a blast. enjoy!

Whiskeymarie said...

Bubs- from what I've figured out already, most of my fellow jurors love Oprah and Tom clancy.
Boo. Ya.

Gwen- I'm totally trying to take notes tomorrow. Just for you, my sweet.

180/360- Hell yeah! I'm up to $80 right now, which I've calculated to roughly $2.75/hour this week.

John- Yeah. Congrats. Winning a place on a jury is kind of like winning a retarded & incontinent puppy. Cute at first, but man...

Gbuns- No, but strangely enough, there is another juror that looks EXACTLY like a guy I dated in high school (actually now a well-known theater actor here in Mpls/St. Paul) who is SMOKING HOT. Tall, dark, naturally curly hair, piercing baby blue eyes and (from what I can tell) a six-pack. Me-ow.
"Your honor, I vote that we are sequestered for no less than one hot weekend."

CCB- god I love you. We need to get drunk and stupid together sometime. Let me know if you find the midget clown porn.

Moe- Sweet jesus I would love to see that. But alas, I will be about an hour north in lovely Taylors Falls for the day Saturday. Take a picture, blank out your face. I need proof to believe this one. Is it a Cinderella t-shirt? No? How about G n' R?

Ang- I don't know if this is a "big" case. But, then again I never watch the local news so it could be. Ask him if he has a sultry, sexy, supermodel-esque broad on the same jury. If he says yes- then...
nope. Not me.

Renaissance Woman said...

I agree with Gwen...could make for wonderful blogging material. And by the end of this trial I feel like there will be a battle over the farting!

Letty Cruz said...

Am not kidding: Besides envying your status as a criminal trial juror, I am also nasty-jealous of all that precious time to read! Last time I was stuck in the jury pool waiting room, I forgot to pack a book! And I have so many I've bought and either haven't even cracked open yet or finished reading. But even when I have free time, there's so many distractions, including these eeeevil internets! So it's when I'm stuck riding shotgun on a along trip or stuck waiting forever that I can get into some sweet reading -- or bring along one of my twentyhundred gorgeous notebooks and journals I horde and actually WRITE, as with a real pen and real ink, the old timey way! UGH! You fortunate whiskey!

*doing hair flip and stomping outta here*

Letty Cruz said...

JAYSUS, woman! soon as I posted a HUGE clap of thunder boomed outside! Ran outside and it's a fast-approaching thunder storms, major lightning show! OH Whiskey Goddess, meant no offencse, do not smite me :O


punchlinewalking said...

The magic words for not getting on a jury "I have already formed an opinion about this case and I cannot be impartial. No matter what the evidence is, I know in my heart that man/woman/child is guilty." I guess I should have told you this yesterday, huh?

And seriously..."Oh. MY." Is awesome.

John said...

Can't comment?! Snob! Blogsnob! Addendumdadumdum Snob! Gah!

RE: "...............and they still chose me.

That sounds about right. Hang 'em high Whiskey. Hang 'em high.

CDP said...

I was disappointed when I didn't get picked when I had jury duty, but I wasn't disappointed to be released at 12:15 and to spend the rest of the afternoon at the pool. But I'm up again next summer, and I doubt I'll be that lucky.

Bridget Jones said...

Ah hahahahaha re the farting juror! Love the way that being honest got you on the jury--they're blessed!

Being honest got me a colonoscopy. I'd rather have been on the jury! Bet neither of us is honest again (under the circumstances)!!

surviving myself said...

I could feel you on my blog - I just knew you were there!

Incidentally, were you in my kitchen too last night, because I felt something then too. And if you were, just know that I don't always sing along to Aretha Franklin when I cook Mac n Cheese. Just sometimes.

LittlePea said...

I'm sort of jealous though. I got totally rejected for jury duty once. damn them, I still haven't gotten over the feeling of being unwanted.

Amaya said...

OMG! How embarrassing! If I'm feeling "gassy" I make an effort to find a vacant bathroom but I guess it can't always be helped. Better her than me. ;)

Worker Mommy said...

Oh...if only those lawyers knew what they were in for.

Lollie said...

Holy crap I'm so excited I just peed my pants a little. Seriously, this is only the beginning of your fame. I can feel it.

Can you email me and give me all the detes, or is that still illegal?

tobacco brunette said...

Criminal trial? Lucky! I am so jealous if it's a homicide case.

Ed said...

Hey, I've been to Taylors Falls! When I was there, I stumbled upon a kind of cool sculpture park in nearby Franconia. I think it was called, oddly, Franconia Sculpture Park. Have fun!