Who: Ms. Tastybottom's Freshman summer special ed Civics class
"Students, let's all welcome our new classmate, Whiskeymarie VonPartypants. Whiskey recently transferred here from Our Lady of Eternal Damnation Catholic Girl's School due to "antisocial behavior involving gasoline and fireworks" which I am required to tell you, but have been legally forbidden to discuss further. She will be finishing out summer session here at Richard Nixon High. I have been advised to notify you all that she is heavily medicated, so if you notice her rolling on the floor mumbling about monkeys and prom, it would probably be best to find a teacher or the school nurse and find her something covered in cheese immediately. Let's all give a warm hello to Whiskey!"
"Yesterday we all started sharing stories from our summer vacations, and it is my understanding that Whiskey just recently returned from what she calls a 'blogcation'. Oh my, I have no idea what that is, so maybe Whiskey could come to the front of the class and tell us all about it!"
(Whiskey stands up, teeters a bit, and shuffles to the front of the class. Ms. Tastybottom notices that Whiskey is wearing pink fuzzy slippers, a cheerleading skirt, half of a clown costume and a Dolly Parton wig. The smell of gin and salami lingers around her.)
"Um, so yeah. I took a vacation from my blog. Yeah. I didn't actually go anywhere, unless you count Menards or the back yard, I just didn't blog so I called it a vacation. Yeah. I made a list of everything I did so I wouldn't forget, on account of me being drunk the whole time. Here it is:
- Slept a LOT.
- rode Ethel everywhere (until today when I cheated on her).
- Bought $300 bike today off of Craig's List for $175. I tooled around on my new friend and fell in love. I'm naming him Dirk. Don't tell Ethel.
- Started a "clean living on weekdays" program marginally successfully.
- Ate my weight in brown rice, edamame and garbanzo beans. Every day. Plus, I'm drinking non-caffeinated water again. Who knew this stuff was clear?
- Sweat, prayed for rain.
- Painted my entryway. It took five coats of paint, a change of mind resulting in the purchase of yet another gallon of $42 Ralph Lauren paint, and most of my patience & sanity to finish the job.
- Ordered a pretty new light for the entryway which was almost immediately backordered. Bastards.
- Ordered a new rug for the same room.
- Realized that I love spending money.
- Sweat some more, started learning the correct steps for a rain dance.
- Hung out on a patio with Stacy drinking beers, rode my bike home a wee bit wobbly.
- Discovered the secret for eternal life, then proceeded to use it in a trade with a hobo for a half-eaten snickers bar. Shut up, I was hungry.
- Made spicy chicken tamales, tuna ceviche, spicy braised chicken, several awesome salads, many frozen fruity blender drinks, 14 gallons of iced tea, sourdough pancakes, grilled flank steak with mango salsa, balsamic white bean salad, sweet corn and loads of egg white scrambles.
- Wondered if I was normally sweaty, vs. grossly sweaty. Still undecided. Offered up my virginity to the rain gods after handing them my "tweaked" credentials. Still waiting for their reply.
- Sat in the back yard with the Mr. and a friend until waaaaaaay too late drinking grapefruit gin & tonics and enjoying a non-sweltering moment.
- Got a juicer, now use "juice" as a verb.
- Ordered a new couch (dark red).
- Watched helplessly while my debit card burst into flames.
- Found religion, prayed for rain, lost religion again.
- Stuffed a kleenex in by bra between my boobs as sort of a "sweat maxi pad". It worked.
- Took regular dance breaks.