Sunday, July 6, 2008

Voted "most likely to forget to wear pants."

Where: Mid-American public school classroom
Who: Ms. Tastybottom's Freshman summer special ed Civics class

Ms. Tastybottom:
"Students, let's all welcome our new classmate, Whiskeymarie VonPartypants. Whiskey recently transferred here from Our Lady of Eternal Damnation Catholic Girl's School due to "antisocial behavior involving gasoline and fireworks" which I am required to tell you, but have been legally forbidden to discuss further. She will be finishing out summer session here at Richard Nixon High. I have been advised to notify you all that she is heavily medicated, so if you notice her rolling on the floor mumbling about monkeys and prom, it would probably be best to find a teacher or the school nurse and find her something covered in cheese immediately. Let's all give a warm hello to Whiskey!"
(mumbled hellos)
"Yesterday we all started sharing stories from our summer vacations, and it is my understanding that Whiskey just recently returned from what she calls a 'blogcation'. Oh my, I have no idea what that is, so maybe Whiskey could come to the front of the class and tell us all about it!"

(Whiskey stands up, teeters a bit, and shuffles to the front of the class. Ms. Tastybottom notices that Whiskey is wearing pink fuzzy slippers, a cheerleading skirt, half of a clown costume and a Dolly Parton wig. The smell of gin and salami lingers around her.)

"Um, so yeah. I took a vacation from my blog. Yeah. I didn't actually go anywhere, unless you count Menards or the back yard, I just didn't blog so I called it a vacation. Yeah. I made a list of everything I did so I wouldn't forget, on account of me being drunk the whole time. Here it is:
  • Slept a LOT.
  • rode Ethel everywhere (until today when I cheated on her).
  • Bought $300 bike today off of Craig's List for $175. I tooled around on my new friend and fell in love. I'm naming him Dirk. Don't tell Ethel.
  • Started a "clean living on weekdays" program marginally successfully.
  • Ate my weight in brown rice, edamame and garbanzo beans. Every day. Plus, I'm drinking non-caffeinated water again. Who knew this stuff was clear?
  • Sweat, prayed for rain.
  • Painted my entryway. It took five coats of paint, a change of mind resulting in the purchase of yet another gallon of $42 Ralph Lauren paint, and most of my patience & sanity to finish the job.
  • Ordered a pretty new light for the entryway which was almost immediately backordered. Bastards.
  • Ordered a new rug for the same room.
  • Realized that I love spending money.
  • Sweat some more, started learning the correct steps for a rain dance.
  • Hung out on a patio with Stacy drinking beers, rode my bike home a wee bit wobbly.
  • Discovered the secret for eternal life, then proceeded to use it in a trade with a hobo for a half-eaten snickers bar. Shut up, I was hungry.
  • Made spicy chicken tamales, tuna ceviche, spicy braised chicken, several awesome salads, many frozen fruity blender drinks, 14 gallons of iced tea, sourdough pancakes, grilled flank steak with mango salsa, balsamic white bean salad, sweet corn and loads of egg white scrambles.
  • Wondered if I was normally sweaty, vs. grossly sweaty. Still undecided. Offered up my virginity to the rain gods after handing them my "tweaked" credentials. Still waiting for their reply.
  • Sat in the back yard with the Mr. and a friend until waaaaaaay too late drinking grapefruit gin & tonics and enjoying a non-sweltering moment.
  • Got a juicer, now use "juice" as a verb.
  • Ordered a new couch (dark red).
  • Watched helplessly while my debit card burst into flames.
  • Found religion, prayed for rain, lost religion again.
  • Stuffed a kleenex in by bra between my boobs as sort of a "sweat maxi pad". It worked.
  • Took regular dance breaks.
  • Yeah.
The End."


boredmando said...

"Sweat maxi pad."

Oh my.

I tried telling my aunt about Craigs list, to which she replied "Who's Craig?"

Welcome back!

Aunt Debbi/kurts mom said...

I now know why my grandmother kept that hanky in her giant bra. Wish I had known a few summers ago.

Renaissance Woman said...

Welcome back! So much excitment in such a short vacation. That is amazing! Love the new light. If it doesn't work send my way.

Lisa said...

Sounds like the perfect "blogcation"! Except for the sweating part, that is.

Fran said...

That freaking entryway... Maybe TedJesus could have helped you with that!

Stefanie said...

What does Ralph put in his paint that warrants $42 a gallon?? At that price, it should paint your walls FOR you. Love the light and the rug, though!

feisty said...

love the light- and the rug! i'm totally bookmarking those. jealous:)

solid gold- yes! where the double-knee slide was invented. the interperative dance to glen fry's "you belong to the city" was super inspiring....

Moe Wanchuk said...

Seeing that I just learned to read (credit Hennepin County Intermediate School) you have a job?

Is there some kinda "girl agreement" that makes all u chicks spend twice the family income?

1 more.....seeing that I don't wear a can I use this kleenex thing for my Moob sweat?

abbersnail said...

I'm glad you're back! You've been sorely missed!

It sounds like a super productive break, though. I need to borrow some of your motivation, STAT.

Flenker said...

If you figure out the rain dance, do one for me too. Today was ridiculous, tomorrow's supposed to be worse. But what's that on the horizon for Tuesday? A 40% chance of showers and thunderstorms? Not good enough.

i am playing outside said...

red couch? i'll be there!

Stacey said...

Glad you got the much needed rest! Sounds like you may need to join me though in my ispendtomuchnowi'mgoingtothepohousesupport group though.
It's fun... for the most part. We all talk about how much we spent and then do shots and sob

the blogger formerly known as maliavale said...

I feel cheated! I thought the tamales link would be a recipe, not a Wikipedia page on tamales. At least you didn't link to Wikipedia pages on "new rug" and "lamp." OK, I'm mollified again.

3carnations said...

Sweat maxi pad? Ha. I wonder if it works under them as well?

I find it hilarious that you linked to Menards. Are you getting commission?

Perfectly Shelly said...

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Menards. LOVE IT. I especially enjoy the Day after Thanksgiving crush of people buying cheap stuff at MENARDS.

We are supposed to be getting a MENARDS in OUR town. I can't WAIT.

Sornie said...

Just for shopping at Menards, all your previous wrongdoings are forgiven.

Mommy Lisa said...

The sweat maxi-pad works until you get breast that are too large for a bra sold at victoria's secret...then you need the sweat depends.

I got a christmas tree at Menard's the day after christmas this year - no lines, no crush, and WAY better selection than Tar-gey Boutique. I love that store too. Where else can you get lumber, yard mulch and a six pound jar of beef jerky?

MommasWorld said...

"wearing pink fuzzy slippers, a cheerleading skirt, half of a clown costume and a Dolly Parton wig. The smell of gin and salami lingers around her."

What gives? How did you know what I wore to work this morning? he.he.he.

Did you get your pretty surprise? I hope you like it.

Whitey McCracker said...

Thanks for the nice comment on my Lazy Girl blog. I was wondering if there was a crazy chicks who drink too many cocktails and blog about cats web ring that we could all be part of?

PS. I have everybody's rain right here so your dancing is working just not in the right place.

punchlinewalking said...

Welcome home! Driving home from Wisconsin this weekend, my husband and I had a 30 minute discussion about Menards- he swore it was a grocery store and I thought they sold appliances. The only thing we could remember about it was the song "Save more money at Menards"- not so helpful.

CDP said...

I feel cheated because we didn't get a picture of the cheerleading skirt, clown costume and Dolly wig. Welcome back

McGone said...

Damn, you juiced the hell out of that blogcation!

John said...

Yay! Ms. VonPartypants has returned!

RE: "I'm naming him Dirk.

As in, "Diggler?"

surviving myself said...

You missed us though, right?


Grant Miller said...

I love cheap things on Craiglist.


Dr Zibbs said...

Wait. You rode a bike AND boutht a juicer? This sounds like some action movie.

kirby said...

Tell the truth, you've already tried to juice a salami, haven't you?

Lollie said...

Now you KNOW you're going to turn all the crazies who have googled "sweat maxi pads" on to your blog, don't you?

John said...

May I have a gin and JUICE, Ms. VonPartypants? (damn, that's a noun)

Being on a jury and all, you must have some JUICE. *power *prestige *leverage *weight (dammit! that's a noun too!)

You really JUICE me, Whiskey!
Now THAT'S a verb. : )

Iheartfashion said...

Love the rug!
Welcome back.

Miss Awesome said...

I dream that I forgot my shirt and bra all the time. No one ever seems to notice or be too concerned in the dreams though.

Tanya Kristine said...

yay! another problem drinker! there aren't enough of us in this world.

i'm doing the clean during the week thing too. i hate it.