Wednesday, July 9, 2008

I'm the decider!

Sorry to go all m.i.a. on y'all after leaving you hanging with so many questions.

"Who would pick someone like Whiskey for jury duty? Are they nuts? Can't they see that she's drunk?"

"Does Whiskey even know what a jury is? I'm pretty sure she thinks habeas corpus is a cocktail..."

"Can I scream 'objection!' just once? Please?"

"Is that your gavel or are you just happy to see me?"

"Don't you hate pants too?"

Jury duty has been fun! You know, fun in the way that someone punching you repeatedly in the ovaries/balls is fun. Fun in the way stomach flu is fun. Fun in the way that advanced algebra is fun. Fun in the way that getting your period while camping is fun.


Well, turns out I kind of got picked (finally! And just in time- that 2004 issue of Motorsports weekly in the jury room was starting to look like some pretty good reading) for a criminal trial today. I'll find out for sure tomorrow. I'm already practicing my speech: "Yes, your honor. We the jury find the defendant guilty of stealing our hearts. He is guilty on all charges including: first degree bringing the funk and grand being too sexy for his shirt larceny."

But, that's pretty much it for my excitement meter today. That's it. That was my day.
Well, I guess I also learned that when you stick 24 people in a tiny room that the men and women will predictably still find a way to segregate themselves and most of the women will resort to conversations involving the words placenta and cesarean, that someone sitting near me in the jury box farted and it smelled like death twice over, that some of my potential co-jurors need to just shut the hell up before I manually do it for them, that even when you are told no less than 453 times to not even bring your cell phone into the courthouse, some cracker-looking jackass will not only bring his in, but forget to turn off his country song customized ringer, and that people are annoying and overall I don't like them much at all.

And, my computer is fucked, so I may be a bit m.i.a. for a day or two more.


I miss you guys. Make out with yourself drunk for me, then don't call yourself the next day. You know- the way I wouldn't.

Good times.



Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

You are so lucky. My jury pool has not been picked to go in for a trial yet. A monkey can hope though.

Letty Cruz said...

well CONGRATS -- ah who am I kidding: HATEYOUHATEYOUHATEYOU for getting a shot at a criminal trial and I never have gotten past the effing waiting room from OprahRachelRayfanbitch HELL :/~

But seriously:
""Yes, your honor. We the jury find the defendant guilty of stealing our hearts. He is guilty on all charges including: first degree bringing the funk and grand being too sexy for his shirt larceny."

He's just a gangsta of luv, don't hate a playa, hate the GAME.

;D love ya!

Christa said...

don't forget to be the foreperson. if it's not too late.

Gwen said...

Aren't you forgetting the judge who runs his courtroom at least a half an hour late at all times and picks his nose up to the second knuckle?

John said...

RE: "We the jury find the defendant guilty of stealing our hearts."

Oh great. O.J. II. I've been waiting for the sequel.

We miss YOU, Miss Whiskey Marie. Put da smackdown on dat beyotch and send him up the river. Don't be goin' all Amber Frye on us.

cassee01 said...

you'll prolly think I'm crazy but I loved jury duty - we had this great group of people and after court was over we would all go get drunk! LOL

CDP said...

Bringing da funk and being too sexy for one's shirt are both notoriously hard to prove beyond a reasonable doubt. You might be looking at a mistrial.

dguzman said...

Sounds like fun.

diatribes and dish said...

just don't do sudoku during the trial; you'd be in BIG trubs.

McGone said...

...that someone sitting near me in the jury box farted...

Can't blame it on the cat this time, so you peg one of your fellow jurors. You are impossible. Confess, Whiskey!

L Sass said...

Wow! You must have seemed very level headed and unbiased! Congrats!

Freida Bee, MD said...

Did you get to meet Judge Judi? Didya? Didya?

Making out with my hand just won't be the same as when you make out with my hand.

Stacy said...

Oh sweet jeezus. Call me when you're done with all the jury bullshit.

The Longfellow patio awaits us.



Lollie said...

Oh my god - you have NO idea how hard I am hoping that you get picked for the final jury. This could be your springboard into international book fame (we all know you already have international, blog/cooking fame). I can see it now. It will be a groundbreakingly important and controversial case. There will be tampering, outbursts and a murder on the courtroom steps. It will all end with you writing a book, making millions and retirement to Fiji. Can I come to your book opening party?

kirby said...

Maybe you'll get another judge who uses one of those penis pump things during trials.

Renaissance Woman said... paint a wonderful picture of jury duty! Can't wait for my name to be called. Why is there always a stinky farter in a group? And if you tell the judge your thoughts on the cell-phone policy, maybe you will get some type of treat.

Off to get drunk! I'm so going to make out with myself.

punchlinewalking said...

Totally weirdly jealous. I've always wanted to be on a jury, but I've never even been called for jury duty.

Iheartfashion said...

I would totally pick you for my jury, WhiskeyMarie!
Not that I've done anything wrong...

Stacey said...

Once you get on the jury be sure to sneak in some airline bottles of al-key-hall bcuz you know could get sequestered.

Oh and your laptop too so you can stay in touch with your peeps.

Dr Zibbs said...

When I'm on jury duty, I like to yell out, "I object - to this sandwich" . Note the line above is where I pause and the where the bailiff's start walking toward me to cuff me. Then when I throw the "to this sandwich" line at them, there's not a damn thing they can do.

gorillabuns said...

i was picked for a criminal case once. too bad i couldn't drink after the crappy case.