Friday, May 4, 2012

Well, I feel eleventy plus a bajillion yet still as young as a pre-tween. You figure it out, I'm no good at math.



On this, the eve of my quatro y uno day of my birth celebration ( known in lesser countries as "Day Numero Uno Kickass, or "Fraulein Oldlein Sexylein""), I find myself pausing to reflect on what I have accomplished in this past year, the one where I found myself smack dab in CougarCuntry (patent pending).

  • I got not one, not two, but THREE zits in the past month.  Given the amount that I spend on anti-wrinkle salves, ointments and tinctures, it seems supremely unfair that a delicate flower like myself must be subjected to late-night, wine-induced extreme pimple probing, in a sad recreation of a typical Saturday night in my 1985. On a related note, do old-timey tinctures still contain things like cocaine and heroin?  If so, I'm in.
  • On a related note- I got Botox.  Twice.  Number three is coming up soon.  I see this becoming a twice a year splurge, much like designer tampons (did you SEE the Marc Jacobs extra-absorbent?  The magenta ones are to DIE for!).  Now, before you get your only-slightly-stained-panties-and-that-was-from-when-you-nearly-hit-that-family-of-midgets-with-your-car in a bunch, I would bet my next born cat that you would never, ever have been able to tell that I had done a darn thing.  The problem with all these crazy-assed monied reality-TeeVee snatches is that they tend to go, well...overboard.  A little is good, doing your whole face makes you look like a dog hanging its head out of a 747 cruising over Boise. 
  • After last May's feetie owie surgery, I can wear heels again!  High ones!  Successfully!  My personal financial consultant (aka my dog) has expressed concern about the ridonkulous amount of money spent on hooker heels in the past few months.  He says I may be able to write them off on my taxes, but only if I install a stripper pole in my front yard and spend no less than 3.5 hours a day accepting dollar bills into my underpants. I can live with that. 
  • Also, in no particular order:  I became a life-coach to a 7 year-old Mexican girl for an evening, I tried to stop putting "running" in quotation marks when referring to it as something I "do", but failed, I pulled my crotchal region stumbling off the treadmill after "running" one day, I got youtube-worthy drunk at Gwen's house while wearing Pajama Jeans, I took in a stray cat that pissed on my entire house and reduced me to a cookoo quivering pee-scrubbing rageball, I took a cat to a (no-kill) shelter for hopefully the first and last time ever, I ate so much kale & beets in one week (for no particular reason) that I pooped in technicolor, and I was extremely unsuccessful in censoring myself, even when it comes to poo. 
Also?  I missed you monkeys.  Though there's probably about 4 of you out there anymore (and two of you are drunk- you know who you are), I survived a particularly brutal school year and I'm ready to overshare with y'all once again.  Whether or not anyone is paying attention, I'm ready to be that totally inappropriate cousin that shows up at the family reunions with my "ethnic" boyfriend, reeking of doobies and making out with him and maybe Uncle Larry during the ham dinner.

 I'm here to take the blame- bring it on, motherfuckers.


15 comments:

Chris said...

I took in a kitten once that turned out to be feral. I still have the scar. And not to depress you, but I still get zits and I'm old enough to be your extremely hunky uncle. Oh, Happy Birthday!

Gwen said...

Between you getting Botox and my high school BFF getting extensions in her already-long hair, I feel so very granola. Happy berfday!

John D. said...

"...wine-induced extreme pimple probing, in a sad recreation of a typical Saturday night in my 1985."

Proof positive of your very-much-alive youthful vitality. : ) Happy Birthday, Sweets! I love you. ..now let's get a look at those hooker heels...

Vina said...

One of the drunks (me) is VERY happy to see your return!!! I've missed your posts.
Have a spectacular birthday!

SkylersDad said...

Happy Birthday again in a non-facebook, but more of a give-me-a-hug-so-I-can-slip-my-hand-down-and-grab-your-ass fashion. You have been missed. I only get to be life coach to my dogs. They still don't trust me around humans.

Scope said...

Maybe the "anti-aging creme" is doing TOO good of a job if you are getting zits?

Now get on out there and make those fancy shoes earn their keep.

Mnmom said...

So much to love here. Middle aged zits, technicolor poop, drunkenness, stripper poles, I mean what's not to love??
Honey I'm mid-century modern and I STILL get pimples. Everyone who told me I'd outgrow them should pay me $1000 for pain and suffering.

Do you like your pajama jeans?

diatribes and dish said...

I'm still here! And I'm really curious about the Botox. Although, if I were to spend my hard earned cash on a procedure, it would have to be a complete overhaul of my avdominal region.

Anyway, I hope the coming year is your best yet, technicolor poos & all.

Herman Morgan said...

With only seeing you on the "PG" rated pages at FaceBook, I had nearly forgotten how much I enjoyed your idiocy !
Your style is inimitable,(Praise Allah), and your day-to-day thoughts and actions exhausts me, like my 0ld Ass'd Self trying to over-please a first-time Lover !
Anyway, good to see you back to Blogging, and I'll be by to see you a Lot, as I'm determined to get my Blogging back to it's Election Year Glory in the immediate future.
Love Ya ! herm

Glori B. said...

Can't wait for the summer, you crazy lady. Thank Odd school's gonna be out and you'll be on the loose again.

Anonymous said...

So the King of Punk
Says to
Queen of Punk
Yep. Happy $4dith Birthday...Queen of Punk.
( Note birthday shit aside, I never said that.)

patsy said...

botox and hooker heels ~ you are my idol
happy wining!

WendyB said...

Happy birthday! And take comfort in the fact that I'm older than you and also get pimples.

worldaccordingtoher said...

Happy Birthday!!! Go forth, get drunk and dance in those shoes!!!!

Blogger said...

I've just downloaded iStripper, and now I enjoy having the sexiest virtual strippers on my taskbar.