Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Know your ass like you know your face, people.

For much of the mid-to-late 90's and most of the 2000's, they were the joke item of clothing that you would threaten to wear out in public for the sole purpose of embarrassing your friends.  Again.  Having personally spent much of the 80's in them with varying degrees of success, they were the one item I swore would make me move to a nudist colony if they came back in style- kind of so that I wouldn't be tempted to go down that road again, mostly so that I wouldn't ever have to see other women fail miserably in an attempt to pull off this very tricky article of clothing.

Leggings.

Now that these stretchy, minimal, pant-LIKE things are back in fashion, and since they don't seem to be going away any time soon, I'd like to remind the world of a few guidelines that one may wish to follow when donning these pantyhose-disguised-as-pants:
  1. Stop, for the love of all that is holy, STOP thinking of these as full-fledged pants. They aren't, so just knock it off already.  
  2. Check for sheerness when they are stretched beyond their original made-for-toddlers shape.  If they only get more sheer (and shiny) as they stretch, DON'T BUY THEM.  At best, these will look like cheap tights, at worst you'll look like a human kielbasa.  This isn't a time to cheap out and impulse-buy something at the gas station checkout- go to a real, adult clothing store and spend a few bucks, damnit. 
  3. (And this one is the most important one of all) Unless you are an under-21 year-old with impeccably perfect, toned legs and butt area...COVER YER DAMN ASS WITH A SHIRT/SKIRT PLEASE.  I beg you. Whether you're skinny, curvy, smooth or lumpy, after a certain age or after a certain weight this is absolutely necessary.  No one, and I mean no one wants to see your hinder in clingy spandex as an "outfit".  This is not an "outfit".  You think you look good?  Well, you don't.  
 Do I own a pair?  Yup.  But I'll tell you this- If you ever, EVER spot me walking down the street, grocery shopping, bending over to pick change up off the ground or basically doing anything outside of the privacy of my own shameful home wearing these without an appropriately long shirt/sweater/poncho made of cat hair that covers my lovely ass, then I will happily run down my street naked & waving an "I love Newt Gingrich" flag.  For an hour.  In the snow.  I'm just that confident that you'll never see such a thing. 

It's all about knowing your ass, people. 
Know.  Your.  Ass.

19 comments:

Guacaholic said...

INDEED.

I don't care how perfect your ass is. I still don't want to see it. Put on a tunic.

Dr Zibbs said...

Sorry. Can't get passed that huge ass in the picture.

mando said...

YES. YES YES YES.

That is all.

kirby said...

Every time I see someone wearing tight pants or leggings of any sort, I always think of that great Polly Bergen line from Crybaby, "Hysterectomy pants, I call them!"

Smart Ass Sara said...

Word. That is the Bible thumping WORD because I am effing fed up with leggings. I know that if I were to wear them my white girl bubble ass would be out of control and nobody needs that. Nobody.

bereccah said...

And. That. Is. Church.

John said...

I say fly your freak ass high. That is all. : )

Oh, and my captcha is "rashkewb," not to be confused with "ice kewb" or "ass kewb."

LegalMist said...

Thank you thank you thank you for this very important public service announcement!

Scope said...

There's a gal I see on the bus on occasion. She's probably 43, pretending to be 33 (or 33 who tanned WAY TO MUCH in her youth). Pretty good looking, except that she wears tights as pants all the time with shirts that hit right at her hips, drawing a line right across the widest part of her.

And then there are the Uggs that she pairs with them... :-(

SkylersDad said...

And you know that these women like the one in your picture put them on, turn back and forth in front of their mirror, and tell them selves "Oh yeah, I am bringing it"!

Renaissance Woman said...

Okay...that made me laugh so hard! Been away to long but thanks for welcoming me back with that bit of information and very informative! I promise to cover my ASS!

Sarah said...

I find myself constantly tweeting that leggings are not pants. Obviously no one is listening especially this woman in the picture.

Jenn June said...

This is so hilarious! I read it the other night and had to come back to get the link and send it to a friend. She's gonna laugh her ASS off!

Johnson said...

Frankly, I'm a big fan of the tights as pants phenomenon. It's essentially transparency in advertising.
There's no hiding anything in those bad boys. Perhaps it's that Toronto has a high percentage of women who can pull them off, but I must say the sight of a woman who is essentially naked from the waist down (albeit painted black) is always, at the very least, an interesting spectacle on the subway in the morning. Even if it's a "Damn, she should not be wearing those!" it's always entertaining.

Tina said...

Sweet Jeebus, I am in awe of the tensile strength of those leggings and seams. There has got to be some uses for this incredible fabric not yet discovered...like hurricane/tornado proofing or something.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

@Sky's dad: Bwahahahahaa!!

I see this all the time. People think that even though they no longer look like the young girl of their youth, they still have "good legs". Hence the delusional thinking that they can wear leggings as pants, with clothing tucked innn,,no doubt.

Spandex accentuates cottage cheese ladies...

Mnmom said...

My darling 18-year-old twins look like movie stars in their leggings and even THEY know to cover their ass!
I have leggings . . . . I call them my pajamas.

Anonymous said...

what about jeggings?

Geoff Granfield said...

Uh-oh, that is one big whammy for sure. She should try black lace leggings for a change. That does the trick of making that fat ass slimmer.