Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Rejection Notice From Kringle & Claus

Dear Ms. VonPartypants,

I just checked my list and then checked it again, and WOW, have you been bad this year. I regret to inform you that I am unable to leave you presents this year due to the reasons cited by Kris Kringle Standards Board, Partition 3, MN State Codes 16d – 82a.
  • Ratio of naughty to nice exceeds 9:1 (maximum ratio of 4:1 for gift eligibility)
  • Neither cookies nor milk detected in household with freshness date later than 1998, and/or were spoiled, stale, or otherwise substandard.
  • Stocking contained foreign material including but not limited to: toe nail clippings, lint, stale cheese remnants, decade-old candy cane, pet hair.
  • Advanced SantaScan™ technology detected "Nice List" forgery.
  • Substandard chimney due to ongoing “Fix This Fucking House” project.
  • Upon rooftop arrival time inspections, subject was found to be awake, pantless, and a blood alcohol level of 2.3 was detected. Per long-time St. Nick protocol (Article 21, Section 6b), all parties must be in full slumber before delivery of packages as scheduled.
  • Ongoing costumed humiliation of household pets.
  • Miserable failure of blog upkeep
  • Proclamation to younger believers that Santa is "not keeping it real."
Address all appeals to the North Pole office, where they will be reviewed before the next holiday cycle. Fees may apply.

Kindest regards,

Santa Claus

p.s. – you are kinda hot.

11 comments:

John said...

You really should read your Claus clauses. You wouldn't be in this mess.

SkylersDad said...

Nice to see a new post from you, and even better to see that awesome picture!

Whiskeymarie said...

Damn, the man is always tryin' to keep a drunky broad down...

I plan on appealing this abomination just as soon as I recover from food poisoning and that pesky monkey fungus.

Does Santa accept bribes? Also, do hugs and/or quick handies count as bribes?

John said...

Re: "do hugs and/or quick handies count as bribes?"

I'll allow it.

S.K. Claus, Esq.

Johnson said...

Unfortunately, I can speak from an awkward mall experience and tell you that Santa prefers slow handies.

Scope said...

Rudolph's nose isn't the only thing glowing red.

180|360 said...

I love you, Whiskeymarie. I am wishing for more bloggers like you from Santa in 2012!

Professor Chaos said...

Hey, Claus. What do you mean "kinda"?

Gwen said...

It's funny to me that you make a blogging comeback the very day that the Drysdale nominations are announced. Funny. Or suspicious.

You know, I'm sure Grant Miller Media would respond to a quick wristie as favorably as Santa does. Just sayin'.

Mnmom said...

Occupy your stocking! Demand equity!

Chris said...

Merry Christmas, WMVPP. I know, I'm late:
1) That's what she said. (unretired just for you)
b) pot = kettle = black
iii) I've got my own problems with the man up north.
Have a great 2012.