Dear Ms. VonPartypants,
I just checked my list and then checked it again, and WOW, have you been bad this year. I regret to inform you that I am unable to leave you presents this year due to the reasons cited by Kris Kringle Standards Board, Partition 3, MN State Codes 16d – 82a.
- Ratio of naughty to nice exceeds 9:1 (maximum ratio of 4:1 for gift eligibility)
- Neither cookies nor milk detected in household with freshness date later than 1998, and/or were spoiled, stale, or otherwise substandard.
- Stocking contained foreign material including but not limited to: toe nail clippings, lint, stale cheese remnants, decade-old candy cane, pet hair.
- Advanced SantaScan™ technology detected "Nice List" forgery.
- Substandard chimney due to ongoing “Fix This Fucking House” project.
- Upon rooftop arrival time inspections, subject was found to be awake, pantless, and a blood alcohol level of 2.3 was detected. Per long-time St. Nick protocol (Article 21, Section 6b), all parties must be in full slumber before delivery of packages as scheduled.
- Ongoing costumed humiliation of household pets.
- Miserable failure of blog upkeep
- Proclamation to younger believers that Santa is "not keeping it real."
Address all appeals to the North Pole office, where they will be reviewed before the next holiday cycle. Fees may apply.
p.s. – you are kinda hot.